Not Hating Just Saying

Hater of the Week: China

2011-06-22T14:56:00.009-04:00

I’m not hating on China, I’m just saying that this is ridiculous.

Too lazy to click on that link? Well, this picture should help:

That’s right - China is going through a phase where it’s all the rage to dye your pets like other animals. So dogs become pandas or tigers, or whatever other endangered species the Chinese don’t want to be bothered with actually keeping alive.

That’s right, China. Don’t think you’re fooling anyone. We know that panda’s days are numbered - thanks in large part to the 1.25 billion of you that have destroyed their natural habitat - and now, you think you can pull a fast one on the rest of us?

Nice try. But we’re not going to let you just swap those pan-dogs in for the real thing, Indiana-Jones-Temple-of-Doom style. We’re going to notice. So don’t even think about it.

AND! What are you doing, China!? You’re clearly stealing from us - America. Yeah, you remember us? The country that came up with the whole idea of having so much money that you waste it in ways that make the entire rest of the world hate you? That’s our move! You’re stealing our move!!

Frankly, forget the debt ceiling. This is more of an indicator that we’ve been surpassed by China than anything that statistics could ever say. How did we fall asleep on this one? How are we not the asshole country that shits on the 3rd world by dyeing our pets to look like other animals??

That’s a horrible idea. It reaks of irresponsibility, and a complete lack of awareness of what that money could do for the poorest of the poor around the world. IT’S THE MOST AMERICAN IDEA EVER!!!

I’m not hating on you, China, I’m just saying. Well done. Add it to the list of things you’re better at than us - right below brutally repressive regimes and sneaking 12 year-old gymnasts into the Olympics and saying they’re 16.

Not hating, just saying.

Doug Hutchison

2011-06-21T16:02:00.008-04:00

I’m not hating on Doug Hutchison, I’m just saying that maybe a 51 year-old dude shouldn’t marry a child.

Who is Doug Hutchison, you ask? Well, I’m not hating on you, because I didn’t know either. I guess he’s an actor who was in The Green Mile. That was filmed in 1998, back when he was 38 and his wife was 4. Hot hating, just saying.

Really dude? When your wife was 4 years old, you were a 38 year-old shooting a movie!? Do you know what you were doing when you were 4 years old?

I do. You were watching Kennedy get shot. In 1963.

Is this type of thing usually legal? Of course not. But the 16 year-old’s mother signed a waiver giving consent of the marriage.

Hey dude, here’s a great rule of thumb in life: If you’re in your 50s, don’t marry someone if you literally need a permission slip from her parents to legally fuck her. Your dick isn’t a field trip.

Maybe I’m wrong here. I’m sure this child’s parents can be trusted to have her best interests in mind. Sure, she’s an aspiring country music singer, but I’m sure she’s been raised well. Let’s see a photo shoot from her last album:

Hmm. That’s pretty much exactly what I expected, if I’m going to be honest.

I’m so angry about this, I’m not even going to write anymore. I’d worry this girl’s feelings will be hurt if she reads this, but I’m not even sure she’s old enough to read yet.

Not hating, just saying.

al Qaeda

2011-06-17T05:21:00.000-04:00

I’m not hating on al Qaeda, I’m just saying if I were Ayman Al-Zawahiri, I wouldn’t exactly be “thrilled” that my peers just appointed me the new head of al Qaeda.

That had to be a pretty awkward passing-the-torch ceremony, right? “Thanks, guys. Thanks a lot. I’ll remember this moment for the rest of my life. Mostly because it’s going to last about 3 months now. Thanks a million, assholes."

Sure, maybe this dude would have wanted to take bin Laden’s spot at the top. But quietly, right? Not in a way that makes you the easiest person in the world to hate, other than these three guys. Not in a way that makes you searched for more than the love-child of Waldo and Carmen Sandiego.

In hockey, when someone is named the team leader, they get the letter “C” sewn onto the front of their uniform, like in this picture. Al Qaeda has a similar tradition, except instead of the letter C, they just use this.

I’m not hating on being named Al Qaeda’s new leader, I’m just saying I wouldn’t be surprised if they’re giving the “honor” to someone else again before long. Not hating, just saying.

Mother Nature (and Mitt Romney)

2011-06-02T12:13:00.010-04:00

I’m not hating on Mother Nature, but isn’t it about time she takes a week off? The wildfires, tsunamis, and floods weren’t enough? You had to pad your resume’ yesterday with a tornado in Massachusetts?

Now don’t get me wrong, the tornadoes in Joplin, Missouri, last week were much worse.

But tornadoes in Missouri - and across the midwest - are fairly common. It’s a fact of science that sometimes, clouds feel so bad for the dust particles that are stuck in places like Oklahoma and Nebraska that they form a visible condensation tunnel that literally comes out of the sky, picks them up, and takes them somewhere else.

Basically, if you were a dust particle, a tornado is like the second coming. Which may explain why Harold Camping was so adamant about the impending Rapture, given that he is mostly just dried-up dust particles at this point. Not hating, just saying.

So really, tornadoes across the midwest are pretty defensible. I’m not hating on Mother Nature for those. But deadly tornadoes in...Massachusetts? Really? You couldn’t just keep killing people in Massachusetts with 8-foot snow drifts, or from the deaths caused by gay people being allowed to marry each other?

(Just so you don’t think I’m lying, my source for that is an e-mail chain forwarded to me by my other-than-racist-emails-they’re-off-the-grid cousins. Totally legit. Also, why is Obama growing watermelons in front of the White House?)

Killer tornadoes in Massachusetts? Really, Mother Nature? I don’t agree with this move. Unless...hmmm...

UNLESS you had to injure hundreds of people in Massachusetts to show them getting treated in hospitals on the same day that Mitt Romney announced he’s running for President - thus acting as a reminder that while governor of Massachusetts, Romney signed a universal healthcare bill that provides free healthcare for all state citizens? And reminding people that inexplicably, he’s been passionately against the healthcare bill signed by President Obama, even though it’s essentially the same system that Romney signed and that is helping tornado victims receive the assistance they need in this time of crisis?

Okay, I doubt that’s it. Maybe she’s just a big fat jerk. But so is Romney. Not hating, just saying.

Laws

2011-05-31T11:33:00.013-04:00

I’m not hating on Laws, I’m just saying that sometimes, less is more.

Go ahead and watch this clip for a minute. It’s footage from a “flash mob” that took place last week when people protested at the Jefferson Memorial by dancing silently.

What were these people protesting, you ask?

Appropriately enough, they were protesting a law saying you can’t dance silently at national monuments.

I’m not hating on America, I’m just saying - aren’t we taking ourselves a little too seriously when we literally make it illegal to dance? I’m also not hating on Christians in the 1720s, I’m just saying I don’t want to adopt their lifestyle.

For everyone’s sake, let’s hope this gets appealed to a higher court, and the judge says this.

Come on, America. Doesn’t a law like that kind of devalue the entire concept of a system of rules that help bring order and justice to the citizens of a particular country?

I’m not hating on Laws, I’m just saying. And I’m not hating on this particular law...I’m just saying that there’s another protest at the Jefferson Memorial scheduled for this Saturday, June 4th, at noon. And if you’re in or around DC, you should go check it out.

NBA Finals

2011-05-27T18:05:00.005-04:00

I’m not hating on the NBA Finals, I’m just saying that this is going to be the closest thing we’ve had to a race war since...well, since the last time a white athlete actually had a chance at winning something other than the Stanley Cup.

The Miami Heat and their “Big 3” - aka “The Heatles,” aka “A Group of Big Black Men that your grandmother would have been terrified of” - advanced to the NBA Finals last night after defeating the Chicago Bulls.

There, they will face the Dallas Mavericks, who are not particularly white, but white enough for white people to quietly root for them against the Heat. They have the best white player since Larry Bird - Dirk Nowitzki. They have a point guard that - although half-black - once called the cops because his wife was abusing him. So I’m pretty sure white people will count that as a tie-breaker. And their spark off the bench, J.J. Barea, was a part of one of the most racists-see-society-as-this-play-on-a-larger-scale moments in NBA history, which you can watch here.

So get ready, everybody! It’s going to be an intense couple of weeks across middle-America. I’m not hating on the NBA Finals, I’m just saying.

Hater of the Week - Harold Camping

2011-05-24T14:11:00.010-04:00

I’m not hating Harold Camping, I’m just saying that he’s definitely our Hater of the Week.

This one really isn’t close. First, Mr. Camping (pictured to the right, listening to something his finger is saying) spent the past few months hating on all of society by telling us that May 21, 2011, was going to be The Day of Reckoning.

But really, that’s not enough to merit being Hater of the Week. If it was, there’d be a thousand bums on street corners right now waiting for their 7 days of fame.

No no no - what makes Harold a truly great Hater is that when he finally came out of hiding this week, what did he do? Did he admit that he was wrong? Did he acknowledge that his irresponsible and dangerous fear-mongering gave a black eye to all the people who aren’t assholes and try to live their best lives by following a particular religion respectfully? Did he admit that his ignorance caused serious harm, and that he’s partly responsible for innocent people being hurt or killed, including a woman in California slitting her daughters’ throats?

Did he admit that at 89 years old, maybe he’s a fucking idiot? Maybe he should be in a home somewhere, focusing less on why God isn’t showing up, and more on why his kids never do?

Not hating, of course. Just saying.

Did he admit any of that? Of course he didn’t! Instead, he explained that he’s still right about doomsday - he just did the math wrong.

Wow. Hating on math over random religious bullshit? Nice ‘Scopes Monkey Hate!’ Somebody’s been reading their Hater History Book!

He explained on his radio broadcast that God was a merciful God, and that’s why he chose not to subject the world to 5 months of hell on Earth. But October 21, 2011, is definitely when the world is coming to an end.

It’s been a while since anyone has pulled off this good of a 'Revelations Hate' - a Hate that is based on something that is going to happen, then keeps not happening, but the hater continues to hate in advance of something that is obviously never actually going to happen. Christians love using this hate, because they invented it (well, I doubt they invented it, but they probably systematically eliminated the group of people that did, and now claim it’s theirs).

Your prediction didn’t come true, Mr. Camping, but there is some good news: For the dangerous use of your 'Revelation Hate' and for bringing back the long-forgotten 'Scopes Monkey Hate' (aka Texas-Board-of-Education Hate), you are our Hater of the Week!

Congratulations! Now hurry up and die, you old piece of shit! Not hating, just saying!

Adorable Pandas

2011-05-23T02:45:00.019-04:00

I’m not hating Adorable Pandas, I’m just saying they get way too many views on YouTube. Hey, guess what, I have a heckler video with almost a million views. That makes me pretty famous, right?

Wrong. In fact, I’m not even 1/100 as famous as this sneezing Pan-douche. Wow, one of you gets scared when the other one sneezes? Yeah, you’re a regular Abbott and Costello. Seriously, being one-eighth of your species wasn’t enough attention, you selfish soccer-ball-looking freaks? I’m not saying you overreacted, but they didn’t freak out that much when someone sneezed in Anne Frank’s attic. Not hating, just saying.

For real though, over 100 MILLION views!? Really? For a species we shouldn’t even care about? Seriously? More than 1 out of every 3 Americans has seen that video?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “It’s gotta be less than 1 out of 3, because that’s just the number of views, and I’ve personally watched that at least 8 times myself. And I watched it 4 more times when I just clicked on it a second ago.”

Well then, I hope it makes you so happy that you go to a zoo to see live pandas, and then you see one sneeze live, and it makes you so happy that you have a heart attack. And then I hope the panda thinks your heart attack is actually you sneezing, and it gets so scared that it has a heart attack and it dies. And so I hope you end up spending all of eternity knowing that literally the last thing you did on Earth was kill the one thing you loved most.

Honestly, who thinks this is cute, anyway? I’m not hating on Adorable Pandas, I’m just saying.

The Past Two-and-a-Half Years

2011-05-22T13:42:00.000-04:00

I'm not hating on 2009-2011, but it hasn't been the most productive stretch for us. Not hating, just saying.

Trailers

2009-03-10T16:15:00.000-04:00

I'm not hating on trailers but...

Annoy Charlie Smith Inc- Trailer from Seaton Smith on Vimeo.

...not hating just saying.

NASA

2009-02-24T10:27:00.007-05:00

I'm not hating on NASA, I'm just saying they chose an odd way of fighting global warming. You see, they've been spending nine years developing a satellite designed to measure carbon dioxide emissions in our atmosphere, which would supposedly help us prevent global warming from getting any worse. Tragically, however, the satellite malfunctioned a few minutes after launch and the debris landed in the ocean near Antarctica.

The good news is, NASA, that our economy is doing great right now. So there's really nothing better that we could have spent with the more than a quarter-billion dollars it took to build your little shat-ellite. Certainly not on further developing the electric car, or alternative energies, or anything like that.

But even if your intentions are noble, NASA, let's check the results: Apparently, your best idea to fight global warming is to send a half-billion-dollar, half-ton ball of flaming metal and fuel to Antarctica and have it explode and burn up on contact. Really, NASA? Really? The only way you could have fucked that up more is if you insulated the satellite with 100-dollar bills and bottles of Axe Body Spray (because I'm pretty sure that stuff is way more toxic than hairspray, which would have been the easier reference).

But this isn't a time to hate on Axe Body Spray and all of its snake-related, lack-of-masculinity-compensating products (though I'm sure its day is coming soon here at NHJS). No, today is your day to shine, NASA. Fighting global warming by literally warming the globe with your satellites? Nice work. If irony could combat global warming, you would have just saved the world. But it doesn't, and you didn't. Not hating, just saying.

Will.I.AM is famous?

2009-02-23T11:12:00.007-05:00

I’m not hating on Will.i.am, but I’m sick of people saying there is no logical reason why he is famous. Are you people crazy? LOOK at the RESUME'. I can’t think of many words to describe it. Stellar is one. Magical is another. Funky Funky Fresh are three more.

He was in one of the most influential groups of the last 25 years of music, the Black Eyed Peas! Yeah that’s right. There’s a list. There was Sinatra, then Elvis, then the Beatles, Michael Jackson, and then, Black Eyed Peas. It feels right.

Do you know that feeling you have in your chest when the sun rises over the morning to start a new day, and for one moment in your sad life, you think that your past is erased and you’re free to conquer the world? There’s a word in a dictionary for that: it’s WILL.I.AM.

Bless him. His talent cannot be measured. And why try? This is Will fucking I fucking AM. Why would I waste my time trying to name a “song” he’s made? Why would I disrespect his image by trying to associate a “hit” to his name?

Fuck that, let’s be like that Coke commercial and skip the middle man (songs) and compare him to Bob Dylan. He has to be the next Bob Dylan. What would we do if we didn’t have another Bob Dylan that we can manufacture for commercial purposes so easily? Why, the world would be lost!

There are haters. They say absurd things like, “You don’t really like the Black Eyed Peas, you just like Fergie! The Black Eyed Peas without Fergie is the Pips without Gladys Knight, it doesn’t make sense. Why would you want to see a Pip CNN?" My answer to you haters: I didn't see a PIP make a hologram appearance with Anderson Cooper! So there!

Did you hear Will.i.am’s Obama song? Genius, right? Genius in its simplicity, just take his speech and take an old used beat, then have a bunch of stars lip-synch the speech. It felt right. And that’s how you become a genius, you go with what feels right. You let other people do the bulk of the work and you come in at the end and put your little signature on it. Then you wear the fliest hat ever. Have you seen his hats? He must be a genius with that stingy brimmed fedora!

Guess what he went to school for!? Just guess! Fashion. It makes sense, the way he’s walked that runway into America’s heart! You look fierce, Will! You’re an animal!

His biggest achievement is that he was interviewed as a hologram on CNN. Yeah, that’s right. And now he is being compared to Bob Dylan? How did we make that leap? Do you really care? Really? Not me buddy!

Some haters - like Lavar Burton - would say he was doing Hologram shit for years on Star Trek and nobody is wondering about him. Nobody is asking Lavar Burton his perspective on America, and he was in ROOTS! My answer? Where is his stingy brimmed fedora? Best go shopping Geordi La Forge.

I’m not hating on Will.I.AM being famous, I’m just saying.

A NHJS News Brief: The Economies of Hate

2009-02-19T07:54:00.001-05:00

The Economy you finally got me. I was fine, I didn’t care before. I was out of your hateful grasp. It didn’t really scare me that folks were losing their jobs left and right. Folks were getting laid off. I still didn’t think you hated me economy. I thought well, you would never do something to me like that, so we are cool right? But now I am a little freaked out. According to CNN the economy is even too shitty for illegal immigrants. SO THEY ARE GOING HOME! What?! You mean to tell me that the economy is so bad that people are going back to countries that were so shitty in the first place that they decided they would have a better life in America? Where they would have to enter illegally and take super low pay jobs to survive and be looked upon by the government of that country as criminals but it was still better then living in their home country. Even with putting up with all of that bullshit it has finally gotten bad enough in America where even Illegal Immigrants would be better off somewhere else, anywhere else.

George W. I think you are actually smarter then I gave you credit for. You crafty yet twisted son of a bitch(sorry Barb, not hating), when you were in office, you always told us you would be able to handle the Illegal Immigrant issue we had here but I didn’t know you were going to do it like that! You actually got illegal immigrants to voluntarily leave the country. Many folks would consider you are hero for that, I consider you to be an evil genie. I may have wished at some point, that there was a compromise where illegal immigrants who were working could obtain citzenship if they wanted and we can all be happy, you said "what if I told you immigrants would actually want to return home voluntarily," I was like "I guess so if you can make that happen," you said "ok cool", but then you just dropped a monumental Evil Genie Hate.

That’s when you grant someone a wish but their lives end up being shittier then it was before the wish was granted as a direct result of fufilling the initial wish. If I were to wish for a million dollars, you would probably have the cops beat the shit out of me and as I lay unconscious clinging to life, Al Sharpton would sue the city, and I would get a million bucks out of it. Yea, thanks a lot asshole, thanks for everything.

MySpace and their Pedophile friends

2009-02-17T15:40:00.002-05:00

I’m not hating on MySpace for finally kicking off 90,000 registered sex offenders, but what the hell took you so long?

How many Chris Hanson episodes where MySpace was mentioned was it gonna take for you to realize you had a problem? How many shout-outs by perverts being struggled to the ground by the police was gonna give you a hint?

I mean true, MySpace is known for its off-the-record, interoffice slogan: “Pussy is like blackjack - 16 and under, hit it. 17 and over, don't bother.” But you had to know that people outside your inner circle weren’t gonna get the “joke.”

Come on Tom, is that really your picture, or is that a picture of your nephew? Or is that a picture of you 30 years ago, cause it’s getting to the point where I’m wondering if Tom likes his grass on the new growth side if you know what I mean. I’m not calling Tom a pedophile but…wait I think I am.

If I was just walking down the street and witnessed a murder and don’t report it, I can go to jail, right? Now what if I build a popular room and in this room everybody can talk to everybody and a few little girls get raped - let's say...90,000 of them - wouldn’t I be in jail too cause I built the room and didn’t stop convicted sex offenders in there? And then wouldn’t I look stupid if out of the blue I make a big to-do and say, “Hey sex offenders! You can’t hang out here anymore! All of you, out!!” Wouldn’t you think I like little girls too? That’s right. So Tom fucks little boys. It makes sense.

And who was this “hero” who finally brought it up in a board meeting? Who finally raised his hand and said, “I mean, I love underage girls whose parents are out of town and take inappropriate pictures of themselves as profile pictures as much as the next guy, but don’t you think we got to do something here?” Then I would have loved to see Tom’s face, fresh from his daydream of SEXXYGIRL69696969, whose profile he looks up from and says, “I don’t touch little boys. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The room is quiet for a moment before our Hero says, “Um, I didn’t say you were, sir.”

Then Tom quickly responds, “You think I like little boys? Well I’ll show you. We’re banning every sex offender on MySpace. Today.”

I’m not hating on MySpace, I’m just saying.

NHJS Special Report: Someone Farted on Mars!

2009-02-11T07:44:00.002-05:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have just received word from NASA that they have found trace amounts of methane on Mars. DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?! Methane on Mars, yo. Someone farted on Mars. That means that there could be aliens and shit. Holy Shit. Alien life - well, like alien plant life. Or like an alien amoeba...or nothing.

So there is like water on Mars, right? Oh, you guys just found “Water-Ice” - which I am pretty sure is just ice. That’s cool, and small concentrations of salt? Oh okay, I didn’t know about the salt. So wait, what you are telling me is that there is possibly the lamest, most insignificant particle of life on Mars!? That lives off of Mars-flavored slushies and salt licks?...Or maybe there is just water-ice, salt, and farts, but no life on Mars? That’s a distinct possibility as well, correct?

Well NASA, that’s great. Hey, guess what I found? Now I know this sounds so crazy and I hope you are sitting down for this one, but…Someone’s mom found 2 unopened condoms that are 4 years old in her 16 year-old's nightstand. There is a possibility that he is having sex - the mother is pretty sure that he is. Even though her son is adolescently awkward as hell. There is no other evidence of actual intercourse taking place, given that her son hasn’t brought a girl to the house since his cousin visited 6 years ago. The trace amounts of Vaseline that she found leaves her convinced that he may have been using it as some sort of lubricant to assist in the act. There was also trace amounts of methane found in the room.

You see how I did that, NASA? NASA, please stop with your Mom Hate, where you hate by completely overreacting and jumping to conclusions about shit because you feel like you have to. Why don’t you get all crazy when something crazy actually happens? Like record an Alien farting on audio or something, and then come talk to me. Otherwise, just get out of my room!

Clearly, I'm Not Hating, Just Saying.

Comcast Porn Adventure

2009-02-09T15:41:00.010-05:00

I’m not hating on Comcast, cause showing porn during the Super Bowl to ONLY Standard definition television users is bloody genius!

I mean how else are these people are going to get the hint that HDTV is the greatest achievement of the 21st century? HUH! How are you going to push these ignorant fucks who cling to their stone age analog television tubes when there is something so much more fulfilling out there? Comcast answered that question by telling each Arizona resident exactly what they think of their inability to change…If you don’t have HD, then you can go suck a dick!

RIGHT ON COMCAST! Finally somebody stood up for the struggle. Somebody finally looked at the blurry resolution fuming in the American people’s mind and said no more! Either you buy HD or you get anal raped by the pizza guy. That’s the message of 2009. And you know what? I got it loud and clear!

What are my thoughts? What do I think? Well I have to look deep in the mirror and find a resolution here, just like everyone else who lives in the SD world.

Ask yourself:
Do you like sports?
or
Do you like being strapped to a Diesel while a line of truckers have their way with you?

Do you like the clarity of a Blu-Ray disc?
or
Do you like doing it with a donkey to support your life as a fugitive in Mexico?

That’s what makes Comcast a genius! With one simple action they summed up our whole existence into such an easy visual aid. And yes Comcast, I AM aroused!

I’m not hating on Comcast, I’m just saying.

Hater Prodigy: The 8th Child

2009-02-09T15:03:00.003-05:00

There is plenty to hate about the story from two weeks ago about the douchebag lady from California who had octuplets after she already had 6 kids from 5 pregnancies, all of which were the result of in vitro fertilization. However, we never hate here at NHJS. We only say. And so, we decided that rather than do the hating ourselves, we would instead celebrate the best and most promising hater we've seen in a long time - the 8th and final baby.

Hating this well, this early, is rare. Yet this Messiah-like Hater was hating long before he'd ever seen the light of his mother's greed. You see, no one - not his mom, not the doctors, no one - knew he existed until literally the minute he was born. All the best doctors in the world looked at x-rays of her womb and counted to 7. This dude gave them all a tutorial on undercover hating.

First of all, he hated on science by existing in the first place. When he was born, he weighed one and a half pounds. That's not supposed to happen. There shouldn't be a baby you can keep in your front pocket. This is real life, not 'The Indian in the Cupboard.'

He's also hating on his mom by forcing her to feed and rear another baby, though I doubt she sees this as hating. What she will agree is hating, though, is the fact that he refused to be discovered, thus postponing her publicity tour for having octuplets. If he had shown himself from the beginning, she'd already have two books out about how excited she is to go for 9 next time.

But most hilariously, he hated on the doctors. If you were one of those doctors that looked at her sonograms, how could you not feel shitty about yourself? How can actual doctors - "good" doctors - miscount the number of babies in a womb? Really. How!? Was one of this lady's fetuses also pregnant with its own child, and was also giving birth while being born? Maybe that was it - maybe it was like one of those Russian dolls, where smaller and smaller people keep coming out from inside each other. Maybe the doctor was like, "Congratulations, Miss Suselman, you're a mother!...um...and, also a grandmother."

If I was that doctor, I would have at least made something up to save some face. I'd have been like, "Alright, there's the seventh and last kid. Congrats, Miss--oh, shit. Hmm? Oh no, everything's fine (grabs 8th kid from womb). Yep, 7 kids...oh, but what's this behind your ear--ANOTHER BABY!!! How did he get back there!? Amazing!

I'm not hating, I'm just giving mad props to a kid who is - baby H, i.e. the Hater to be named Later. Do your thing, little buddy. Hate on your mom as much as you can - trust us, the rest of America is counting on you.

Chris Brown: The Barbershop Q&A

2009-02-09T14:05:00.004-05:00

The following question-rant was posed by an imaginary barbershop employee, discussing the news that Chris Brown was arrested before the Grammys last night. The answer is from a celebrated Hate-ologist - John (me) - as I am getting my hair cut.

Question:

Wait. Chris Brown?! The little R&B singer dude? He beats women? Holy Shit! The day of the Grammys? Wait….okay, did he do it right before the Grammys or just get arrested before the Grammys? Wow, that morning? Okay shit, so Chris Brown laid his hands on a woman? Chris Brown?! Was it Rihanna?! Aren’t they dating? I swear to god, if he touched Rihanna I'll beat his ass myself! Oh, “she is well?” What does that mean? Isn't that kind of vague? She wasn’t at the Grammys either? What’s going on here? CHRIS BROWN?! And you say he was nominated for a Grammy with a song called “Take You Down?” That’s ironic, is it not? I don’t know? What’s irony? Who was he trying to take down? That girl he beat? So is he a hater then?

Answer:

To answer your questions, Chris Brown is clearly hating in a traditional sense, with a Caveman Hate by acting like a complete idiot and beating women. But we cannot overlook the blatant and damaging Self-Hate. He just pretty much pulled a Phelps. Do you think Doublemint Gum is going to keep him on as a spokesperson after this? Unless of course when they say “double your pleasure,” they mean 2 quick jabs to some girl's face. If they mean that, then yeah, they’ll keep him. The craziest thing is that the only folks who really liked Chris Brown were girls. I bet they don’t like him now that they know he might smack them.

What is particularly interesting about this case is that he is embarking upon a new form of hate. This can only really be described as an A-Bomb Hate, which is 3-fold, much like a pamphlet that unfolds to further explain his idiocy. An A-Bomb Hate is when you are a superpower in your particular field, but you bomb someone (hate on them), then you get caught dropping the A-Bomb on someone when you are not supposed to do that (hating on yourself). But then the radi-hation from the bomb effects people who weren’t even the target of the bomb (hating on your fans). You hated because you are so popular with so many people counting on you and looking up to you, that your action hates on everyone else that was ever a fan of you. Good thing I already (not) hated you, so I am completely immune to your radi-hation.

Also, I'm not hating, but why did you give me a flat-top? I don't want ironically shitty hair. I'm not Kanye West here.

M.I.A.'s Grammys Dress

2009-02-09T09:35:00.002-05:00

I'm not hating on M.I.A.'s dress at the Grammys last night, I'm just saying that if you were ever curious what it would look like if Beeteljuice's suit fucked a clown suit and they had a suit-baby, now we know. (Worth watching all the way through, if only to see both of The Rock's attempts at jokes)

Hey M.I.A. - in the re-mix, don't worry about telling us you get high like planes - we know. I'm not saying that dress was inappropriate, but I now think that octuplets lady is a more responsible mom than you. I'm not saying that dress was too revealing, but at one point I actually saw part of your unborn child. I'm not saying your dress was embarrassing, but I would rather have gone with Chris Brown.

Look, pregnant women are beautiful, and when I get all the women pregnant that I choose to, I'll want them to feel like they are beautiful objects that I can point to as trophies. Why? Because I'm a gentleman, that's why. Still...that doesn't mean I want them wearing a dress that looks like the face of a frowning, blob-shaped cow. I never thought I'd say this, but you would have looked better in a bubble dress. Not hating, just saying.

(Runner-ups for things I'm not hating on from the Grammys: The Rock's writers...Whitney Houston's ability to speak...3-and-a-half-hour shows in general)

Not Hating program note: Octuplets lady Hate Update will be posted at 3 p.m. EST today.

HATER OF THE WEEK: A 25-WAY TIE

2009-02-06T11:15:00.001-05:00

This week's Hater of the Week is our first ever 25-way tie. The award actually goes to all 25 of the stupid things you think that we wanted to know and therefore posted publicly on facebook.

I'm not sure what I'm more amazed at, actually - that you thought any of those things were interesting, or that I was somehow one of the 25 people you thought would be least disinterested by how lame you are.

And congrats to the all but 6 of you who filled it out "ironically," therefore allowing yourself the self-indulgence of doing exactly what every other loser on facebook is doing and still claiming that you're cooler than them.

Why don't we go ahead and get this out of the way:

__________

Dear Anybody Between 14 and 35,

I know you think that irony is a word that means "The thing that allows me to do whatever hypocritical shit I want and still be totally justified in making fun of everyone who does the same shit, because my Irony Shield deflects the reality that I'm the exact same as them," but actually that's not what the word means. The definition of irony I think you think you mean is "An outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected." So you think when you write 25 things, that you are being ironic, because who could have possibly thought that of all people, you would fall prey to this phenomenon. You're always the exception!! However, this "outcome of events" is actually exactly what I would have "expected," because you choose to be "ironic" roughly 98% of the time, which means that by definition, you are actually ironic about 2% of the time.

Do you understand the paradox here? If you're ironic all the time, it ceases - by the very definition of the word - to be ironic. It just becomes who you are. This is just food for thought the next time you have a minute while you're driving to your New Kids on the Block reunion tour or sitting down to watch a Saved by the Bell marathon, or if you're a dude jerking off to a picture of Ed Norton. You know, not because you're gay, but because it's "ironic."

You know what's ironic? The fact that I've just wasted this much time trying to explain a concept to the very people with the lowest chance of realizing that I mean you. You know what? Let me put it in terms you might be able to understand:

The Top 1 Things I Find Annoying About You:

1. Your existence.

Sincerely,
A concerned non-friend

__________

Look. I know it's hard to believe that none of us give a shit that you said "Pasketti" instead of "spaghetti" until you were 9. I know it's a blow to the old self-esteem that the math section of your SATs doesn't interest me. That's great that to this day, you've kept track of everything you've ever kissed - just add one more to the list, because you can kiss this "friendship" goodbye.

Listen. I know you think that 25 people really care about you. But in fact, your list of boredom actually makes everyone you thought was your friend want to be your friend less. Now that, my friends, is ironic.

Not hating, just saying...that this week's Hater of the Week is a 25-way tie.

Snuggies

2009-02-04T22:05:00.029-05:00

I'm not hating, but Snuggies clearly are. First of all, what the hell is this?! And second of all, I don't need to tell you that Snuggies are hating on blankets. The Snuggie isn't fufilling any need. The blanket was never hard to use; if your blanket didn't cover you all the way, then all you had to do was find a bigger blanket. Sweaters and sweatshirts work as well, but it was always nice to curl up with a blanket. Now, everyone wants to curl up in a backwards coat that makes you look like you are in a cult.

That commercial is ridiculous. They show someone with a regular old nasty blanket trying to use their landline phone, but alas! The blanket makes it so you have to take your lazy-ass arms out from underneath the blanket to talk on it. Easy solution: get a cell phone like everyone else the past 20 years, and put it on speaker. How can you be so technologically advanced with your blanket game, but you're still sporting that Zach Morris-looking landline phone? It doesn't make any sense. And dammit, I don't trust it.

Hey prospective buyers of the Snuggie...let me ask you a question. When was the last time that blankets were handed out to strangers in mass quantities? Oh, maybe you don't remember? That's because anyone who received a blanket died weeks after getting it. Yeah...I'm pretty sure it was when settlers handed out small pox-infested blankets to Native Americans and basically wiped their race off the face of the Earth. Let's see if your little arm-holes protect you from genocide, because small pox ain't some shit you can wipe off with a ShamWow. So beware the Snuggie cult, is all I'm saying. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Not hating, just saving millions of lives.

Obama's Cabinet Picks

2009-02-04T13:00:00.000-05:00

TAX [taks] - noun

1. a sum of money demanded by a government for its support or for specific facilities or services, levied upon incomes, property, sales, etc.

2. a burdensome charge, obligation, duty, or demand.

______________________________________________

Oh hey, sorry if you already knew that. I'm not hating, I'm just saying there's a chance that one of Obama's cabinet picks might be reading this, so I'd better put it on here.

Look, I'm not hating on Obama's cabinet picks, but could it turn out that at least one of you actually pays your taxes? Just ONE?? Is that too much to ask? Hopefully Obama's next pick for Commerce Secretary has his shit together. Who did he go with? Willie Nelson? Damn it.

Look, Barack, I totally understand what you're doing here. This is just your way of reaching across the aisle. Republicans said some nasty things about you in the weeks leading up to the election, calling you a socialist and saying you were going to raise taxes on the rich. Well, you heard those cries, and so now you're not only not raising taxes on the rich, you've actually stopped caring whether or not they pay them at all. And you're strategically choosing all the rich people that don't pay their taxes and putting them in your cabinet, so that everyone can see how bi-partisan you are.

Your intentions are noble, President Obama. But, as unifying a gesture as that is...it probably isn't what the country needs right now. We could probably use that extra money your cabinet isn't paying so that said cabinet doesn't have to help push a bill charging American taxpayers (all us non-cabinet folk) 900 billion dollars.

I'm not hating, just saying.

Michael Phelps

2009-02-03T12:14:00.004-05:00

I'm not hating on Michael Phelps, I'm just saying that there's no way I'm ever going to smoke weed with him.

In case you haven't heard, there was a bit of controversy this weekend over a photo that turned up of Phelps taking a hit from a bong.

So, who was Phelps hating on, you ask? Was it his sponsors, for having to support him after his second drug-related hiccup (he got caught drunk-driving four years ago)? Was he hating on all the kids who look up to him and thought he'd never do drugs? Or maybe he was hating on those involved with "My Victory," which is the program that he voluntarily agreed to support that encourages keeping competitive sports free of any and all drugs?

No. Michael Phelps is a hater all right, but he's not hating on any of them. He's hating on the people he was smoking with.

This man is not only a world-class athlete, but a lot of people believe he has the largest lungs in the world. This dude can swim 50 meters in one breath - imagine how much of your weed he can take on a single hit. Do you understand how frustrating that would be? It'd be like getting high in a circle and sitting next to a hot air balloon. It's mind-boggling. Are you kidding me? Can you imagine him passing you the bong after him? "Hey...Mike...I hate to point fingers...but there's no bong anymore. Did you literally suck the entire glass bong into your lungs, dude?" This dude was on a diet of 12,000 calories a day. What do you think that translates to in ounces?

I'm not hating on Michael Phelps, I'm just saying that I bet that dude is the most selfish weed-smoker, ever.

Are the Steelers Haters? Argument and Rebuttal

2009-02-02T07:38:00.010-05:00

There are often times here at NHJS where we do have small disagreements. Like, we still argue over such topics as "When does a Hate Delay become a Rip Van Winkle Hate?" Or "Is there any time when hating is not actually hating?" These philosophical discussions are something that we hope will never end. It is these discussions that foster the growth in hateology that we have been seeking for almost a year now. It is at these times when the greatest questions are challenged - and sometimes answered. With that eternal search for knowledge in mind, we present to you:

Are the Steelers Haters? Argument and Rebbutal."

Bryson's Argument:

I'm not hating on The Steelers, I'm just saying that...well, here's the thing: I don't know what I'm saying. That's why the Steelers are haters.

This is a rare case in which someone is hating by not hating. You see, I am a huge - HUGE - Pittsburgh Steelers fan. In fact, I am obsessed with pretty much all sports. I used to follow Pete Sampras' career intensely, for God's sake. I would watch or read anything and everything that had to do with sports. Do you know who Norm Duke is? No, of course you don't. He's a PBA Hall of Famer. Professional Bowling Association. He's no Parker Bohn III, and certainly no Walter Ray Williams, Jr., but he's had a solid career.

I've watched WNBA games.

Sports was my life. Unhealthily so. I was letting sports control my life more than anything that actually had anything to do with my own life. Which is why I hit rock bottom last May, and decided that I needed to do something drastic: I needed to quit sports, cold turkey. For one year, I agreed that I wouldn't watch a single episode of Sportscenter or any other sports show, I wouldn't make one trip to ESPN.com or any other sports site, and I wouldn't watch one sporting event. Not one. No matter what.

That night, I decided what the worst downsides were. I was going to miss the NBA Finals, during a year when it might be Kobe vs. LeBron, or Lakers-Celtics. I was going to miss all of the Olympics. I would miss the World Series and the NHL Finals. I would miss the NFL Season, which would be tough, but I felt like I could do it.

There was really only one fear I had, one event that - if it were to end up happening - it would pretty much destroy my soul to miss it. It would be the one thing that I couldn't imagine missing. But really, I told myself...what were the odds of the Steelers playing in the Super Bowl?

Looking back, I think I knew, deep down, when I overheard someone at work saying that Brady was out for the year. I think that happened like Week 4 or something - it was pretty early, I remember. I think, somehow, I just kind of knew. It was too perfect. All of a sudden it just made too much sense. It would be too ironic. As I'd hear through the grapevine that we were doing well, I think, somehow, I knew all along.

I went to check my e-mail three Sundays ago, and a Yahoo update told me that we had beaten San Diego, thanks in large part to us being rested. Two Sundays ago, on my way to a show that evening, a friend from Pittsburgh texted me, saying that I had picked a shitty year to not watch sports. I knew what she meant: it meant that as I wrote this post this morning, I still wouldn't know who won the Super Bowl last night.

Yep. That's right. It's Monday morning, 7:26 a.m. in Austin, Texas, and I have no idea what happened last night. Did the Steelers win? The Cardinals? Was it a good game? Did Hines Ward do something amazing? Did Larry Fitzgerald? Did Kurt Warner and his senior citizen wife get to celebrate again? Are people talking about Ben Roethlisberger as one of the potentially all-time greats? (was he even good this year? I honestly don't know.)

Did he get hurt? Did Byron Leftwich step in and become the hero (very possible)? Did Matt Leinart (absolutely impossible)? Was it a blowout? Was it a good game? Were the commercials funny? Did Whisenhunt beat us with a trick play? Did we sneak one in on him?

Who won? For the love of God, who won?

I don't know. It's the day after the big game, and I am writing this blog, and I don't know. I'll find out soon enough. But this was the sacrifice I was looking for when I made the decision. I wanted my happiness or my sadness to be based on my life and my achievements. If I celebrate, I want it to be for the cool shit that I'm doing. I want to have earned it.

So today, I'm celebrating. And I've earned it. As far as giving up sports goes, last night was my Super Bowl. It just happened to be everyone else's, too.

So congrats, to both the Steelers and the Cardinals, no matter who won last night. But especially to the Steelers - and especially if you sons of bitches won - because you guys playing in the Super Bowl this year was pretty much the best hate that I've ever had happen to me.

Go Steelers.

p.s. I've never watched a whole WNBA game. But I have seen the games as I flipped through channels. That's all I meant by that.

John's Rebuttal:

Bryson, although we never hate, you may have come very close to hating on yourself. You see, I’m an Atlanta sports fan. This is a sad existence and I’ve known people to give up sports, but not because “They feel like it was dominating their life” but more because they were tired of seeing their teams suck. What you did was pretty much slap the face of every other sports fan of any other team in America. You think Detroit Lions fans think it’s cute that the one year you decided not to watch sports your team wins the Super Bowl? The thing is, you don’t even really care, because the Steelers have won like 7 of them and the Lions don’t even have Barry Sanders anymore. Oh and Bryson - I don’t know if you heard because of your self-imposed ban on sports, but the Lions didn’t win a single game this year. This is somehow probably your fault.

Do you know what you did? You should be ashamed of yourself. It’s basically like you left a hot girlfriend that's faithful and blows you constantly, even though everything was going well. You just “needed some time for yourself” and she was like “Fine then, asshole” and then the next thing you know you wake up and she is banging Lebron and just launched a successful new business that makes millions and you…are still you. How does that feel? The Steelers didn’t hate - they just moved on after you broke their heart.

Lastly, I would like to point out that you admitted to watching the WNBA. HA! I can't believe you watch that mess! But I bet you would like to know who won the championship while you were off in no sports La La Land...well, that’s too bad. I bet you are dying to know if Candice Parker’s college game carried over to the WNBA? Wouldn’t you like to know? Or if the Phoenix Mercury were able to repeat in 08'? Sorry, my lips are sealed! Or if the Indiana Fever are ever going to make it past the Conference Finals. Or if Lauren Jackson of the Seattle Storm got another MVP nod in 08'? Sorry man, I don't pay enough attention to the WNBA, but even if I did know I wouldn’t even tell you. So take that.

That Octuplets Lady

2009-01-30T09:06:00.005-05:00

I'm not hating on That Octuplets Lady - the one who just had eight babies at once in California this week - I'm just saying that she might be the most selfish person in America.

Listen. A lot of people are going to be throwing around the world "heroic" to describe her in the next few weeks. Don't be fooled. This lady is an idiot. Did you know she already had six kids before the octuplets? Do you realize how fucked up that is? That means that she and her husband had birthed six kids in the past seven years, and decided that fertility treatment was necessary. It's understandable that they wouldn't bother having sex, because her vagina is probably the equivalent of the bottom loop in Skeet Ball at Chuck E. Cheese's. Although ironically, the couple would probably have been better off if they'd played a different version of skeet ball.

6 kids in 7 years, and you were like "Nature is so unfair to us! We deserve better!" No. No you fucking don't. You're fucking idiots. Do you see anyone else with that many kids? No. You know why? Because they're too busy doing shit with their lives. I fucking...say...you.

Look. I have nothing against this thoughtless idiot white-trash couple that represents everything that is wrong and evil about America and our arrogant nature of thinking that we are the center of the Universe and there are never any consequences to our selfish, short-minded actions (not hating). I think that all 14 of her kids should be able to grow up healthy, and happy, and they should have a chance at happiness. However, their mother, father, and 12 of their friends need to be murdered immediately. And violently. I'm just saying.

I can't even make this funny because I (don't) hate these people so much. Maybe tomorrow I'll be able to. Did you know they didn't know there were going to be 8 babies? They literally didn't even notice the 8th baby growing inside of her. IT'S 2009!! And there was an extra human being inside of her that doctors had no idea about. They had a fucking litter. This lady only has two nipples, which means that at best, six of these kids are going to be sucking on the teet of Uncle Sam in one way or another.

Did you know that the kids are surviving thanks to donated breast milk? Does anyone else see how fucked up this is, or am I just the asshole? If so, I'll take the hit. Look, lady, if you can't feed your kids, they need to die. That's basic Darwinian shit. That's nature telling you that you're not going to be able to raise them all. So fucking gather up your fourteen kids in a room, pick two or three of your favorites, and then drop the rest off at a Nebraska hospital, like the rest of the midwest has been doing lately.

I have to stop. Because if I keep going, I'm going to hate her. She's my Hate Kryptonite. I apologize, readers. I can't do it today. I need a breather.

To be continued?

Barack Obama

2009-01-29T10:01:00.006-05:00

I'm not hating on Barack Obama, but he kind of gave us a reason to not give a shit about this blog, as we spent the last week celebrating, and embracing history, and then recovering, and now we're coming back to the harsh reality that this blog has been neglected as if it's the credit history of someone applying for a loan from Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac circa 2005.

Nice.

Not hating, just saying...good luck, Barack. You'll need it. So will we.

Not Hating NFC Championship Game Preview

2009-01-16T14:30:00.003-05:00

It is almost universally agreed upon that the most important position in football is the quarterback. Well, the same certainly goes for hating. And so, as the remaining four teams in this year's NFL Playoffs fight to become the champions (of hating), we find that they are represented by four distinct leaders. We have profiled all four QB's and have determined their odds of becoming Super Bowl XXXXIII's MVH (Most Vilified Hater). Here is the preview for the NFC Championship Game, with a post for both Kurt Warner and Donovan McNabb.

Check below and The AFC match-up will be posted on Saturday.

Kurt Warner, Arizona Cardinals

2009-01-16T10:07:00.002-05:00

It’s Kurt Warner’s love that makes him such a hater. Kurt is a holy man, and I can’t knock him for that. He loves Jesus almost as much as his rug cutting brothers and sisters. Also he has had a kind of resurgence as a Quarterback, which is great, for both Kurt Warner fans and fans of his wife, Drago from Rocky 4. Wait...or is that Kurt from the Arizona Cardinals? How did Kurt marry his own doppleganger? I know you are probably not a fan of Gay Marriage, but is it not gay to marry yourself? I don’t know either, Kurt - these are questions for God. But in the meantime...why toe the line?

Anyway, Kurt - why must you hate on everyone else by not giving props where props are due. Sure God made the Earth, fine, okay, God created all that we know…Jeez I get it, I’m with you…but did God snag that overthrown pass you made right in face of two defenders who couldn’t do shit because the dude who caught it is such a fucking beast? No - that was Larry Fitzgerald. Was it God that turned your little Wide Receiver screen into a 45-yard Touchdown pass? I’m pretty sure it wasn’t...unless of course God is named Anquan Boldin and went to Florida State.

Did god go to Florida State Kurt? I doubt it. This is just hating all around for you, isn’t it. Are you hating on Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin by not giving then their props as making plays for you, or are you hating on God by saying he is a Wide Receiver for the Arizona Cardinals? Which is it, Kurt?! What are you trying to illustrate with your point? Ok I’ll give you a shot, show me what you are talking about...

Is that a crude drawing of Larry Fitzgerald? It’s really hard to tell - those did kind of look like dreadlocks. And Wow, did God make you wear that shirt? It looks like your shirt was so embarrassed you were wearing it, it slit its own wrists. You are so confusing. With all of your "God Made Me Do It Hates", also known as "Serial Killer Hates" or "Insanity Plea Hates," it’s really hard to sort out what is going on.

Odds of being MVH: 10 to 1.

Donavan McNabb

2009-01-16T10:06:00.004-05:00

McNabb is a special case. The Eagles Quarterback is hated by all Eagles fans, yet he just won’t go away. He is a hater by defying all his haters by one, not hate back on them, and two somehow turning their hate into love. He’s done it time and time again, but this time it is just too ridiculous to see past. This is a rare case where he is actually hating by not hating! It’s confusing, I know, so let me explain.

McNabb has pretty much given everything he has to the city of Philadelphia - blood, sweat, tears, NFC Championship game appearances, a Super Bowl run, and a ton of wins and great plays, but somehow everyone in Philly still hates him. The Eagles fans and onlookers call for him to be traded or benched every year. Those haters expect some hate back. I mean, if you did everything you could for someone and they hated you for it, wouldn’t you hate them (I wouldn’t because I don’t hate but you know what I mean, because you definitely would)? But he doesn’t! All he does is make them kind of love him again. What kind of bullshit is that?

Seriously, he is like the girlfriend that you take for granted and you know that, but she is just kind of annoying, so it gets to a point where you are like, “that’s pretty much the last straw,” but then she goes and does some cool shit - like goes on a playoff run - and you are like “you know what? She ain't that bad.” Then you keep her around only to completely neglect and underappreciate her again. You hate that girlfriend, because she keeps hanging in there and coming back, and you hate McNabb. He hates by fostering more hate. Basically the more you hate McNabb, the more hating he is doing by not hating you back(but hating because he isn’t hating…you see what I’m saying, it’s pretty clear), this is known as a Poverty Hate, because it is a vicious never-ending cycle.

McNabb, give them what they want! Go ahead and stop hating and fail! This is a rare case where failing wouldn’t be hating on anyone - that’s what they want and honestly that’s what a lot of your “fans” deserve. McNabb, you are a fighter - and in this case being a fighter, courageous, level-headed, and just plain good is hating. So stop it. Oh and one last thing: the NFL hates to see a successful black Quarterback that is a pocket passer, so stop Jackie Robinson Hating on everyone and run for like 100 yards next game.

Odds of being MVH: 2 to 1

HATER OF THE WEEK: Peanut Butter

2009-01-16T09:15:00.009-05:00

Not just anyone can be Hater of the Week. With so much hating going on around the world, it really takes something special to stand out nowadays. If you want this award, you'd better bring your A-game. Well, peanut butter got the message. Bigtime.

You see, peanut butter has always hated on the people who eat it. But until this week, it has been a "Nickel and Dime Hater" - somebody who does in fact hate, but does so in such small and insignificant ways that nobody is really bothered by it. It hates by being fatty, or sticking to the roof of your mouth, or being Creamy when you really want Chunky. These are known as "Misdemeanor Hates" - it's technically hating, but they're not going to win you much respect in the Hate Community (of which we study closely but are never, EVER a part of).

That all changed this week, as peanut butter - with an assist from Salmonella - stopped killing people slowly, and just got straight to the point. As of Friday morning, five salmonella-related deaths have been reported, some of whom may be linked to the consumption of King Nut Peanut Butter.

In this case, peanut butter is hating on several levels - it's hating on the people it killed, of course. But it's also hating on Death. You see, death shouldn't be hilarious. But when someone dies from putting too much King Nut in their mouth...well, let's just say that we here at NotHating haven't stopped laughing yet.

Are there things out there killing more than five old people that were only killed because their immune systems were weak already and they would have died soon anyway? Yes, of course. Israel isn't wreaking havoc on the Gaza Strip with Jiff. But peanut butter wins because of originality, creativity, and heart. And because there is something priceless about children eating a product called "Peter Pan" that really does help them to never grow old.

<--- victim number 6?

HATER OF THE WEEK: Peanut Butter

2009-01-15T04:38:00.005-05:00

Note to readers: This post won't be up until late on Thursday...our apologies for the delay. However, you can look forward to a double-dose of not hating on Friday, as our Hater of the Week post will be up, and we will also be doing a special report on the AFC and NFC Championship Games this weekend.

Thanks for your continued support, and have a hate-free Thursday (the feasibility of this may depend greatly on your current job and the annoyance level of your co-workers...don't worry, we here at NHJS fully understand).

Hater of the Day: This Guy

2009-01-14T03:02:00.006-05:00

Did anybody happen to catch this story?

Yep - supposedly this dude actually sold his 14 year-old daughter, as part of an arranged marriage, for the following bounty: sixteen grand in cash, 160 cases of beer, 100 cases of soda, 50 cases of Gatorade, 2 cases of wine, and 6 cases of meat.

Now, to be totally honest, this appears to be a fairly common occurrence in their culture, so it's tough to hate too much on the act itself. ...but Gatorade? Really, dude? No, I get it. He was supposed to provide refreshments for the wedding. Who has 50 cases of Gatorade at a wedding? Were you gonna have the wedding on the sidelines of the NFC Championship Game? I'm not hating, just saying.

Also, please PLEASE note the incredibly hilarious Boomerang Hate that occurred to this guy when he called the cops. You see, he tried to hate on the "groom" in this situation, because he hadn't paid up on his promise to keep Mr. Martinez hydrated. However, his hate came right back in his own face, as the police slowly realized that Martinez - being the child's legal guardian - had committed the much more serious crime. So he ended up actually calling the cops on himself. It should be noted, though, that in the end they were both arrested, so this ended up being a type of Break Even Hate (this is also known as a Murder-Suicide Hate, or for fans of the Original Bond on N64, a "Proximity Mine Hate").

Up until now, I never understood why I turn on Telemundo and women are always being treated like pieces of meat. Now that I know that they are literally traded in exchange for pieces of meat, I think I understand a bit better. Not hating, just saying.

Rappers that Give Shout-Outs to Obama

2009-01-12T10:16:00.000-05:00

I'm not hating on rappers that give shout-outs to Obama, I'm just saying that you and him might not quite be on the same page as much as you think. I mean, I'm sure it's inspiring to see a black man be president, but maybe this is our chance to change our tune a little, right guys?

Look, all I'm saying is that when Obama was saying "Yes We Can," I doubt he was finishing it "Yes We Can...smack some more of these bitches." There's at least a slight chance that just because he's part black, he doesn't necessarily sign off on your "Sometimes ho's just need to be smacked" policy, and there's really no need to reference him in your song about it.

Even when you guys are trying to be political, it doesn't quite come off right sometimes. Ludacris. Oh, Ludacris...

Here's a tip: When somebody is in the middle of our country's most important political campaign in a century, maybe you should go ahead and let him handle it. There's really no need to try to help him out with a song that refers to Hillary Clinton and says "that bitch is irrelevant!" Admittedly, it was a good job of rhyming with "President." But just because Obama had said he was a fan of yours didn't mean you had to 'stick up for your boy.' His enjoying your music doesn't give you carte blanche, my friend. And, as it turned out, Obama ended up making Hillary his Secretary of State. So, in fact, that bitch is not irrelevant.

Look. I'm not trying to discourage you from referencing somebody who inspires you, and I'm not trying to censor your art. I know you guys think you're doing Obama a favor by defending him against all those haters. Just be careful, because your rhymes can quickly turn into Friendly Fire Hates. And I think we can all agree, having seen John McCain's rallies, that Obama has plenty of haters already. He doesn't need your help.

I'm not hating on rappers that give Obama shout-outs, I'm just saying.

HATER OF THE WEEK: The BCS...wait, Cartoon Network

2009-01-09T08:56:00.005-05:00

(Note for female readers: The BCS, or "Bowl Championship Series," involves college football. So if you want to take a day off, we totally understand. Not hating, just being incredibly sexist.)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm not hating on the BCS, but can we have a fucking playoff in college football already? Jesus Christ. This is not that fucking hard, people. 8 teams, 3 rounds. Quarters, semis, finals. Champions of the 6 major conferences, and two at-large bids. If any team from a non-major conference is undefeated, they're automatically in. If anybody wants to bitch, then shut up and win your conference, or shut up more and be happy you get to play in the Auntie Anne's Pretzels Motor City Bowl.

Last night, the University of Florida won the national championship in college football. Sort of. You see, they beat a team called Oklahoma. There are some old people with a lot of money - who want the colleges they went to to get lots of money, too - that say that makes them the "national champ."

And really, it's pretty much perfectly clear. I mean, except for the fact that Florida lost to a team this year called Ole Miss (if you need directions to campus, I think it's down the street from China-Manville Road). So clearly, Ole Miss was more deserving of being in the national title game than Florida.

Except, Ole Miss actually lost four games this year. One of them was to a team from Vanderbilt University. So really, Vanderbilt should have gotten the chance to play for the national title.

Except, the Commodores - that's the team from Vanderbilt, of course - actually managed to lose six games of their own this past season. One of them was to a team named Duke. This is especially unfair, because Duke has won a total of 8 games over the past 5 seasons combined, with 49 losses. So clearly, if you're flipping a coin - which I'm fairly convinced is how the people who run the BCS make their decisions - then they are the team that was most due to win, and therefore the most worthy of playing in the BCS Championshit Game this year.

There were also other more traditional reasons to let other teams play. For instance, there was another team - within the very same "nation" that Florida is now "champion" of - that didn't lose to any other teams this year, not even one. They (Utah) actually beat a team called Alabama, who beat Tennessee, who beat Kentucky, who beat Mississippi State, who beat Tulsa, who beat Ball State, who beat Northwestern, who beat Duke, who beat Vanderbilt, who beat Mississippi, who beat Florida (remember?)

So, when someone would ask, "Okay, so tell me again...why shouldn't Utah be in the title game this year?" your answer would have to be,

"..."

And then the other person would nod, satisfied with that response, because while you were saying nothing - since there's no possible defense for that - instead, you were rubbing your thumb against your index and middle finger. Then you'd both laugh and call your brokers to invest your millions in a Ponzi scheme, because the numbers undoubtedly make sense to you.

I'm not hating, but the BCS is an embarrassment to college football and to the entire concept of the competitive nature of human beings, and the sham known as this past week's "series" of bowl games gives us no choice but to name it Hater of the Week.

You know what? On second thought, Fuck that. Even though it clearly should be Hater of the Week, we're not gonna let it be in the finals. The finals are between The Cartoon Network and 'I Can't Believe It's Not Butter', for reasons unknown. The Cartoon Network wins. It is the champion. Not hating, just saying.

Not Hating Special Report: The Top 7 Most Hateful Countries and Territories in the World

2009-01-08T01:31:00.000-05:00

Be on the lookout, travelers. I know there supposed to be 7 continents and 7 wonders of the world, but there are 7 seriously fucked up places on this Earth. The places you are in could hate on you and others, and you won’t even know it. Watch out - there are haters everywhere.

7. U.S. – Hating based on the simple fact that you think we are the best and that other people want to be like you. That’s just hating by default. The U.S. acts like it knows what’s best for everyone else when we got our own problems, that’s called a Shit Don’t Stink Hate.

6. Western Sahara – WHAT ARE YOU?! Seriously. Are you even a country? A territory? WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU? Does anyone live in you? Nobody knows…that’s bullshit. You are like a mixed kid who won’t tell anyone what they are mixed with. It gets annoying after a while because people want to know if they can generalize about groups of people in front of you but you hate on them and don’t give them that opportunity. If I made fun of Morocco, would that offend you? See, I can’t even do it when you are in the room because I don’t know. Whatever, hater.

5. Africa – You make really stupid and ignorant people think you are a country. That is some hateful shit to do to somebody - they are clearly already stupid and you just provide them an opportunity to showcase how stupid they are. That’s a kick them while they are down hate.

4. Haiti – I mean come on! You guys aren't even trying to hide that shit. "Haiti?!" Fuck you.

3. India – The “Sub-Continent.” What does that even mean? I think you are getting too big for your britches, son. Why would you hate on Asia and try to distinguish yourself as some sort of other continent? Are you too good for Mongolia, Japan, and the rest of the gang? “Well we have so many people, we figure that we are almost like a continent” – India. How many people do you think live in China?! Stop being a jerk, you are a country, stop trying to be something that you are not.

2. The Democratic Republic of the Congo – Woah, wait, didn’t you used to be Zaire? I mean I know the whole Europeans setting up arbitrary borders and stuff kind of fucked everything up and I am sure it’s complicated, but have some common courtesy. When you changed your name to The Democratic Republic of the Congo there was already a country called The Republic of the Congo! Like right next to you! Did you think they wouldn’t find out? You think by adding “Democratic” in there it would fake everybody out? I understand your arguments, you were part of the Kingdom of the Kongo before everyone got invaded, but so was the original Republic of Congo, and they beat you to it. Suck it up, you lost, why don’t you try Congotown, or Remember The Kongo, even The Congoville, whatever, just not what you chose. It was a perfect opportunity to be creative and you blew it by hating all of the Original Republic of Congo.

1. The Eurpoean Union – You snobs. You made a club for all of your countries, but you only let in the ones that are from Europe. Are you serious? You actually made a literal "Country Club" in which you don't allow anyone from Africa? Fuck you for that shit. All you E.U. countries used to get off on getting into everyone else’s country and saying it was yours, and now that people want to hang out with you they have to join your stupid Frat? You know what, E.U.? F-you.

The Names of Roads in Mississippi

2009-01-07T02:03:00.008-05:00

I'm not hating on the names of roads in Mississippi, and how they were clearly given their names back when it was totally cool to be completely racist, I'm just saying...

Not hating, just saying.

Pirates

2009-01-06T07:42:00.002-05:00

I'm not hating on Pirates, I'm just saying if they expect us to actually be afraid of them, they should probably show up more than once every 400 years. Again, I'm not hating on you, Pirates, but this is how much I feared your wrath before you started robbing ships again a few months ago - and this is true:

I didn't know you were real.

Yep. I thought you guys were like The Muppets, or midgets - occasionally you show up in a movie, or a Hardy Boys book, we all have a good chuckle, and then we move on...but not real. When someone on the news asked what we could do to stop pirates, my first thought was "stormtroopers?" I'm not hating, I'm just saying.

But apparently, you guys actually exist, like for real? Okay, fine...where the hell have you been? What'd you do, hire the same P.R. guy as that dude who played Carlton on Fresh Prince? And okay, fine, let's say you exist. Why reappear now? Is there some sort of pirating 700-year itch? Did you feel like you were being portrayed unfairly by Johnny Depp? Because I thought there was a fair amount of depth there.

Come to think of it...you guys started stealing shit again this past fall, right around the election and the stock market collapse. Is there a connection, Pirates? Did you have all your buried treasure invested in GM? Do you think Obama has a soft stance on pirating? Are you searching for a drop of blood from your evil ex-captain, Bernie Madoff?

I think what makes you guys really scary is that you're not getting caught. Isn't this the 21st century? Did satellites get un-invented? Would SONAR make make police feel like they were cheating? I'm not hating on authorities, I'm just saying - maybe we should teach our coast guard not to fall for it when a guy with an eye patch promises them he'll be right back. Seriously, THEY'RE FUCKING PIRATES. What are we scared of, their muskets? Getting drowned by barrels full of wine? Or just them being really snarky when they see what we're wearing? The next time I hear that Pirates have captured a ship off the coast of Somalia...honestly, how long is the coast of Somalia? I'm not hating on boat captains, I'm just saying that the next time you're transporting millions of dollars worth of cargo past Somalia....GO AROUND.

It's all too much, Pirates. You have no idea how much trouble this is causing me. Now I don't know what to believe. I'm half afraid I'm gonna get home from work today and my roommate's gonna be like,

"Dude - we got robbed."

"What!? Where's all our stuff?? But who could...do they know who did it?

"Yeah......Vikings. They got us, man. They're back. Horn hats and everything. Apparently they took about 800 years off, but I guess they missed it. Anyway...what's up with the black eye?"

"Oh, this? I got jumped on my way home. Got my wallet stolen."

"What!? Are you okay? But who could...do you know who did it?"

"Yeah......Ninjas. Apparently they never left; they've just been really, really quiet."

I'm not hating on Pirates, I'm just saying.

The Part of My Beard that Doesn't Grow In

2009-01-05T02:06:00.001-05:00

I'm not hating on the part of my beard that doesn't grow in, I'm just saying it'd be nice if my adult body looked more masculine than the 13 year-old version did. I was kind of banking on that whole "face of a man" thing for when I'd try to convince women to mistakenly date me as an adult.

If I were the only one suffering from this vicious hate by nature, I would let it go. But I'm tired of seeing me and countless other fully-grown men looking like teens trying to sneak into an R-rated movie. I'm just saying that it takes three days for my 5 o'clock shadow to show up, and by the time it does, my chemo-stache is already clearly (in)visible. I'm just saying that it's kind of hard to make a beard look cool when there is an island of smooth on each cheek. I'm just saying that when I was 12, I figured I would have a better beard than my mom by now.

Why, nature? That's my question. Look, I don't even need a really manly beard. I'd just love to be more manly than Amanda Beard. Remember that dude you'd always see in books when you were a kid - the dude with the "beard of bees?" I bet he was just over-compensating because he had a really shitty beard under there. Bees are like the Porsche of beards.

Look. I'm in my mid-20's and I still wear a retainer to bed sometimes. I know I'm not an adult. But there's no need for everyone else to know that, at least not until they've dated me for a few months. So why must you make it the most obvious thing on the planet, Part-of-My-Beard? Why do I feel like Helen Keller's first word was "Wa-wa," and then words 2-10 were "patchy beard on guy face over there - no sex."

I wouldn't even have wanted to have sex with Helen Keller. I have enough trouble stimulating women with five senses. But still...it's the principle.

I'm not hating on the part of my beard that doesn't grow in, I'm just saying.

2009's first HATER OF THE WEEK: Governor Rod Blagojevich

2009-01-03T09:54:00.003-05:00

Alright, seriously, where do we even start with this guy? We're talking about one of the most hilarious political haters of our generation, and we get to see his hating as it happens? I'm telling you, this is going to be in Hater Handbooks for years; enjoy the front-row seat.

First of all, there is the obvious hating of the constitution, which he did by trying to sell off Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat. Tapes suggest that he was actually thinking of appointing himself to the Senate seat if no one gave him a good enough offer. While this would have been a hilarious plot-twist if he were player/general manager of a double-A baseball team in a really shitty Disney movie, unfortunately, he's not. He's just a douchebag governor dropping an Eisenhower Hate on Democrats everywhere by coming off so ridiculously corrupted.

Then, there is the hating on Barack Obama, who has had to deal with this Blagojevich scandal instead of actually paying attention to other stuff like, for instance, the country's economy - which, if you haven't noticed, has been doing some hating of its own. Mostly on 401k's and hope.

And let's not forget his hating on the English language just by having his surname. Blagojevich? Online searches for him actually went down once the scandal broke, not because people didn't care, but because you're actually less likely to find a link to him when you're trying to. If you spell his name - correctly - into google, it says, "Did you mean....to write that in English?" I think when his parents got to Ellis Island, they had been playing scrabble on the way over, and his dad just wanted to get rid of all his letters. "Umm...Blagojevich. That's us." "But honey, our last name is Smith." "Noooo, it's Blagojevich: B-L-A-G-O-J-E-V-I-C-H. Blagojevich. Oh and uhh, triple word score."

Also, perhaps most shamefully, he's hating on Locks of Love. There was a documentary a few years ago called "King Corn" that talked about how the whole world could be fed with just the corn we make in Iowa alone! Instead, we just give it to our cattle and livestock or very inefficiently convert it into high-fructose corn syrup so that poor kids can get diabetes. It's a pretty awesome Apple Pie Hate, which is any hate that America has done to the rest of the world or its own citizens at one time or another because it just doesn't give a shit about anyone.

Where were we? Oh yes! Locks of love. You see, Locks of Love is an organization that allows people to donate their hair when they get it cut so that people with cancer can use it for wigs. Well, Governor B. is the Iowa corn of the hair industry - his bangs alone could provide hair to every cancer patient in the world ten times over. He's actually also hating on mullets by having a party in the back, but then also having a much, much larger party in the front. And the one in the front clearly has all the good coke.

So congratulations, Governor Gabawhatevervich - our hats are off to you! I mean, not because of the the honor, but because your hair literally attracts hats. It's like their mecca.

Oh...also the big "fuck you" to the rest of the political world by appointing Roland Burris as Obama's replacement despite no one wanting him to. But much moreso the hair.

The MySpace Feature that Tells the Sender When You've Read Their E-mail

2009-01-02T11:18:00.010-05:00

I'm not hating on the MySpace feature that tells the sender when you've read their e-mail, because there's really no reason to hate that at all.

First of all, when I've sent a random hot girl a message, I love knowing that she has definitely, unquestionably read the message that I poured my heart into, and that she has decided it was not worth the time to reply. Very cool, MySpace. Frankly, I wish there was also a way for you to show me when messages are forwarded, so I can know that she and her friends are yukking it up because I thought we'd make good friends since we both liked "Amelie."

On the flip side, whenever that annoying dude shoots me an e-mail about how cool high school used to be, I love that I have to respond or risk getting another e-mail two days later, asking what's wrong. I love having to decide between him thinking I like him and him knowing I hate him. That's a real win-win. Thanks, MySpace.

And really, why is it the people that want to reminisce the most about high school are the people whose lives have stayed the most similar?

Nevermind, Tom. That's a post for another day. Besides, how could you possibly have any expertise when it comes to people that are way too obsessed with how many friends they have, surround themselves with teenage girls, and have shitty haircuts? That was silly of me. I apologize.

I'm not hating on the MySpace feature that tells the sender when you've read their e-mail, I'm just saying.

New Years Resolutions

2009-01-01T13:15:00.001-05:00

I'm not hating on New Years Resolutions, because they ALWAYS work out. We always realize that there's some shit we started to do the previous year, and it made us feel good, and then we got away from it, and then it's just easier and easier every day to put it off until tomorrow, and then we wake up and it's been three months since we've been to the gym, and we don't want to go back, because we feel like the dude at the front desk is going to make fun of us, and that everyone at the gym will make us feel shitty, because we're terribly out of shape.

No, they're not stupid, because we never feel like the place we want to get to seems so far in the distance that there's no point in even starting; no point in even taking that first step back, for fear that people will assume we're just crying wolf yet again. For fear that we think so, too.

They're not stupid at all, those New Years Resolutions. When we promise ourselves that "this time" we mean it. That "this year" is gonna be different.

Who really cares, you know? I mean, who really cares that the whole structure of "time" as we know it is merely a construct that we invented so that we don't go insane at the realization that every moment is its own universe; that each moment is both a picture, frozen permanently in time, and yet also a humble member on an unseen relay team, a group of runners that is literally infinite beyond our human minds' comprehension, passing the baton known as "now" to one another, happy to have held it for its brief moment?

Yeah, all that means absolutely nothing! Because the calendar tells me that after "midnight," there's a "tomorrow." And after "December 31," there's a "next year." It's way cooler to let a human construct decide how you live your life, rather than treating every "now" like it's the only chance you'll ever get to live in that particular moment.

Who cares that the track isn't circular? That we'll never be back? Let's lie to ourselves, and not admit that we only get one trip. Let's live life like we're going to get to live it again. Let's not all try to connect with each other; to share in this bizarre, unexplained thing known as existence. Let's not violently, passionately, and desperately fight to conquer the fears that prevent us from doing the things we love; the things that we think might be great; the things that our hearts tell us are why we're here. The things that help us to encourage each other to evolve, together. Let's not let Love triumph over Fear. Let's not realize that 2009 isn't the year - this now is the now.

Yeah, fuck that. There's always 2010.

Top 100 Haters of All Time: 95-91

2008-09-30T09:00:00.000-04:00

95. The Fratellis

A family of straight haters! They were lead by their mother. Mama Fratelli. Her and her two sons chased down these poor young kids who were simply trying to save their town the goon docks from being signed over to greedy developers. They almost pureed some fat kids hand (chunk) and they also had a special needs brother that they literally enslaved and treated like some sort of animal. This is a heinous crime and I was glad that they were arrested at the end of the movie but I think the Slavery charge would actually get them more time then the "trying to beat these crazy kids to some alleged pirate treasure charge."

94. I can't believe it’s not butter

You hated on the world, by introducing this stupid ass phrase into the American vernacular. People couldn't believe that you could come up with something so clever to sell your fake ass butter. Now people are still saying I can't believe it's not this and I can't believe it's not that. I can't believe this shit caught on. You see!? I just did it. I blame you I can't believe it's not butter. You are also blamed with bringing Fabio back into people’s lives with your dumb ass commercials, even if it was only for a moment. That right there is enough to get you on this list. But what puts you over the top is you’re completely uncalled for hate on butter. Why would you want to be so much like butter, yet not be butter? You can’t have it both ways, and I think you owe butter an apology. I can definitely believe you when you say it's not butter(because you taste like shit) but you can’t tell me that shit is not hating…hater.

93. George Foreman

One of the most blatant haters of our time. George Foreman took the hating world by storm when he introduced us to his grills, his George Foreman Lean Mean Fat Reducing Grilling Machine. The philosophy behind the fat reduction was that the grill was slight tilted forward so shit rolled off into a tray that you would have lost about 10 minutes after your aunt bought you the grill. First of all that notion is just bullshit…also he often was quoted as saying this about his endorsement of the grill, “I don’t put my name on just anything.” Actually hater, you do. You have 5 sons that you named George and a poor daughter that you named Georgetta or some shit. You have another daughter that you named Freda George. It’s clear that you have no aspirations for your children if you are going to do that to them. So yea you will put your name on any piece of shit out there, if it wasn’t a piece of shit before you put your name on it, it will definitely be a piece of shit by the time you are done with it. What do you call your penis? Georgino? Actually I don’t want to know.

92. Tiger Woods

Hates on anyone ever who ever tried to play golf ever by dominating them. He is such a hater that even his absence from golf makes him the biggest story in golf. In fact, when he got hurt other golfers who won golf tournaments got less credit because they knew that if Tiger Woods was there he would have destroyed him. There Tiger hates with his "Absentee Ballot hate." Also, because he is black and plays golf so well he single handedly delivered a historical hate on racism. Totally hating on traditional values of the South and of the whole country club culture(And I think he got a white caddy son!).

91. Sam Walton

The founder of Wal-Mart. He’s like a natural disaster hater, he knocks out whole towns and devastates them with his Wal-Mart stores. Wal-Mart also treats its employees like crap. But that isn’t why he made the list. His biggest hate is his Sam’s Choice Cola, which is named after him. You see it’s his choice of cola because Sam likes the taste of shit. It tastes like shit, and the shit is all natural, it is actual shit of employees that have to work for Wal-Mart and hate it. I think Sam chooses it also because it is so cheap, and he likes cheap shit. This sucks for kids, because if they want a soda and there is a coke machine next to a Sam’s Choice Machine(The Sam’s Choice machines are rare, the cans are usually just handed out by someone without health insurance), what is your mom going to get you? The more expensive Coke or Sam’s Choice that cost us 30 cents? Sam is hatin, his true Choice would be to see us all dead…never forget that.

Crip Walking For Jesus!

2008-09-25T10:56:00.003-04:00

I'm not hating on people who Crip Walk for Jesus but...

This video may have been pulled from youtube!!! Try THIS!

...I'm just saying.

People who hate on football players who celebrate after scoring a touchdown

2008-09-16T11:00:00.001-04:00

I'm not hating people who hate on football players who celebrate after scoring a touchdown, but first of all, you are haters. Second of all, what do you think football players are doing? They are playing football, PLAYING. They play a game for a living. Have you ever scored an NFL touchdown? What about college? Oh so some of you haters have, that's fine, but pretty much everyone has scored a touchdown in a pick-up game and I'll be damned if they didn't feel like dancing.

Why should it be hated on? It's not like they are like you, in your shitty office job, finally locking down the big Henderson account. If you danced after that I could see how someone could hate on you (I wouldn't though, I don't hate). Basically, no one cares about you, go ahead get your Henderson account, I don't care, nobody does. But when Randy Moss goes up and grabs an amazing Touchdown while millions of people watch cheering, I think a little pop and lock is in order.

Shit, some of these dudes get paid based on their performance and with their salaries they can make like 20G's per touchdown. If you just got 20 thousand dollars for playing a game, don't you think you would stomp the yard a little bit? In fact, tell me a time when you played Monopoly and owned Park Place with a Hotel and when someone landed on it, that you didn't celebrate …And that's fake money! If you try to tell me you didn't celebrate then you are lying. If you try to tell me that you never owned Park Place with a hotel on it then I feel sorry for you. That shit is amazing, it feels like scoring a Touchdown in the NFL.

But no, no you wouldn't. Because all you do is hate and hating isn't worth celebrating, hater. I'm not hating People who hate on football players who celebrate after scoring a touchdown, I'm just saying.

People Who Ask You to Donate to Third World Charities on the Street

2008-09-10T15:58:00.014-04:00

I’m not hating on people who ask you to donate to third world charities on the street, but I don’t need a hippy version of Sally Struthers telling me I’m ignoring the world when I’m at Potbelly trying to get a cheap lunch.

I mean is this it? Is this your contribution to the world? Begging? Acting like a homeless person as you use your parents trust fund like a safety net? Oh what's that? You're helping the world. No, you're an asshole who's acting like an official homeless guy. Would you like a comparison? Sure.

Homeless People ask for help. That's you.

Homeless people prey on your guilt. SOOOO you.

Homeless People stink. And so do you. Take a bath hippie!

Let’s be honest on what you really are, someone who's made some really bad life choices and you’re trying to make up for it by trying to answer a “WANT TO MAKE QUICK MONEY?” ad, aren't you? You are. You skimmed over all the real jobs that take real work. Not qualified to be a waiter, let alone a barista. That drug test won’t allow you in the post office. And temp work? HA! They haven’t called you back since you handed in your patchouli scented resume'!

So begging it is.

Why don’t you get your hippy minds together and think of a better idea? Why don’t you…start a commercial. Yeah, a commercial where instead of pictures you can show actual videos of people in their desperate state. Maybe you can get someone famous like….um….Sally Struthers? Is she still doing that commercial for that trade school? Fuck it, she has time. Then you can send actual letters from the children telling them that their .75 cents a month is really doing some good.

Okay wait is that idea already taken? I think it is. So it's almost like you're doing a harder, less effective, and more annoying version of something that already exists? I'm not hating, but that's pretty fucking stupid.

Seriously. I'm not hating, just saying.

The Top 100 Haters of All Time: The Definitive List

2008-09-08T11:00:00.007-04:00

People may ask us why would we, on a completely hate-free site, highlight the greatest haters that ever graced the Earth. Those people would probably be haters and are scared that they might show up on this list. This list is for the people, for the hated on, and for those yet to be hated. One day our government will make a law that if a hater moves into your neighborhood, they should have to register as a hater and let all of their neighbors know that they are a convicted hater. Until then, this list will serve as a guide and a service to everyone worried about haters infiltrating their generally hate-free life.

The list that you are about to see is definitive. If you feel as though someone on this list is on here unjustly then you are a hater and in the list of all-time haters, you fall just outside of the top 100; anywhere between 500 to 101. If you feel as though we left someone off of the list that definitely needs to be on here, then you are an idiot. This is the TOP 100 HATERS! There are millions and millions of haters out there, and we can’t fit them all into 100. That’s actually impossible to have 1 million haters on a list of the top 100 haters, and that's why you would be an idiot to feel as though someone was left off.

We will not release all of these haters at once. We don’t want to frighten people into thinking that we live in a hateful world. We do, but I don’t think an average person can see so much hate and live to spread the word. So we will probably release the haters out 5 or so at a time. Until we reach the top 10 at which point it will be one at a time as not to overwhelm people.

Any questions? There shouldn’t be. We are professors of hate and hate-storians and are the leaders in haterology. I think we know what the fuck we are talking about. Now, without further ado, please see below as we present to you the first installment of the Top 100 Haters of all time...

Top 100 Haters 100-96

2008-09-08T10:59:00.008-04:00

100. Toad

The little mushroom guy from Super Mario Brothers, seems harmless enough, but he is one of the most vicious haters ever. Every time Mario would tirelessly go to other worlds and defeat one of the few last living Dinosaurs to save the princess, all he found was you. You are just standing there, stating the obvious: "Oh, sorry the Princess is in another castle." WHAT mother fukcer?! You knew Princess was in the other castle the whole time?! Did you not see what Mario just did?! There were flying turtles, lava, Dragons and shit! What the fuck is wrong with you, Toad? Wait minute...so you were just hanging out with Koopa the whole time? And he didn't kill you? What were you doing back there? Are you working with him? Where's the Princess? All I'm saying is I am onto you Toad, and I will not sit idley by while you hate all over Mario time and time again.

99. Ted DiBiase, aka 'The Million Dollar Man'

Ted DiBiase was a beast in the wrestling ring, and that does not make you a hater, and his finishing move the "Million Dollar Dream" was great. But there were just a few minor problems with The Million Dollar Man that people fail to remember. One time he let a kid come into the ring and gave him a basketball and told him that if he could bounce it 15 times, he'd give him $500! The kid was bouncing the ball and after the 14th bounce, DiBiase kicked the ball away, sending the boy home without pay. Hating!

Oh yea I almost forgot, Dibiase had a black servant named Virgil, whom he treated like a slave. Learn more about this type of hate in number 96.

98. Julius Caesar

He made the list because his hates have lasted through the ages and they still effect us to this day. Julius, the most famous of the Caesars, introduced the world to the Caesar haircut. The Caesar still plagues our cities and towns today. Even pop stars have fallen prey to his hateful hair design and punished us by their mere existence.

97. Las Vegas

You are the adult playground, huh? More like an adult death trap. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas!? I have heard of more terrible, hateful shit coming out of Vegas than out of the Devil's ass. Their slogan is a lie, the only thing that stays in Vegas are the dead bodies that are buried in the desert. Things that leave Vegas include, but are not limited to: debt, VD’s, horrible marriages, and hopelessness in mankind. The most hateful shit that Vegas let leave was Celine Deion. She worked your casinos for over a year, the rest of the world had thought that we had finally gotten rid of her, but no, you let her Vegas showcase end and re-released her. It hurts more the second time…hater.

96. The color white

Who knew that something that is merely a concept, made up by humans to communicate what the absence of color would look like, could make this list. Think about it though, and its presence is justified. In addition to the obvious skin-related reasons for its inclusion, White hates on every other color by being the only (not)color that is associated with pure innocence. But you are not innocent; we find you guilty of some of the most symbolic yet fucked up hate on earth. I found this definition on dictionary.com - look it up yourself, type in white, hit enter, and get hated on.

Slang. decent, honorable, or dependable: That's very white of you.

That’s very white of you!? White, you hated on everything not white and acted like your shit don’t stink…no, HATE is very white of you.

CHECK BACK LATER FOR THE NEXT 5...

Bubble Dresses

2008-09-03T12:55:00.001-04:00

I'm not hating on bubble dresses, but why do women insist on wearing an article of clothing that makes it look like they just crapped their pants? I'm sorry, I just don't understand.

Now look. I'm sure that those dresses are comfortable, and that's great. I'm not hating on women being comfortable, I'm just saying that maybe there's a less disgusting way to do it. Like, maybe you can get that "light, breezy feel" from a pair of shorts that doesn't give you that two-year-old-that-just-shat-on-herself look. Maybe there's a pair of jeans out there that doesn't make you look like you should be waddling around in shame at what you just forgot to tell your parents to help you with. I knew bell-bottoms went out of style years ago. I just didn't know smell-bottoms had taken their place.

Honestly. Women. Seriously. I don't get it. Please help me understand. Okay fine - maybe it doesn't look exactly like you crapped yourself. I mean, it looks like the poop goes all the way around the front and back. What it really looks like is that you and a bunch of your friends - some of whom have trunks and tusks - spent about a week-and-a-half saving up all your collective poop, and then shoveled it all into your dress at once, until the mass of it all actually started weighing down the fabric and there was feces bursting at the seams.

That's honestly what they look like. If you want to wear one, that's cool, but don't expect to attract anyone that isn't turned on by two girls and a cup. I'm not hating on bubble dresses, I'm just saying.

The Rest of the Best: NHJS Press Conference

2008-09-02T11:20:00.001-04:00

Well, our big comeback is nearly complete. I am sure you have been watching all of the news networks play our press conference on a loop, but we have some secret footage that they were unable to obtain. We basically want to lay out our plans for the future and once and for all address those haters who actually try to accuse us of hating.

Now we are going to tell you straight, and we are going to tell you once...To those who accused us of hating: We hope you fall into a pit of used syringes while 40 dogs rescued from Michael Vick urinate on your open and disease-infested wounds until you you can no longer remember a time when you weren't covered in urine. NOT hating. But first, here are some of our plans for the future!

Here we address the haters who hate. How dare you attack something we believe in so much. We may have gotten a little emotional here, but it's real.

Lastly, We have a few more things you can expect coming up, and the final ending of the press conference. It ended at roughly 4:15 AM, after about 7 hours and 42 minutes.

Obama at the DNC

2008-08-28T11:04:00.006-04:00

One of the most pressing issues at this year's Democratic National Convention - and the upcoming 2008 election - will be how Obama will handle the growing numbers of haters from around the country. One source high in the campaign, speaking on condition of don't-hate-on-me-by-releasing-my-name, was quoted as saying, “He will probably be slapping haters left and right. His hand will be covered with a messy hate-infected goo.”

America has seen a steep rise in hate during the last fiscal year, causing many Fortune 500 companies to lay off their employees. “Hating is an epidemic in the workplace right now. Work just isn’t getting done. I remember the day when you just hated within your own cubicle. Hating has gotten so bad it's bleeding into other departments. Accounting hates on Communications. HR hates on Graphic design. It’s chaos.”

Some Republicans have suggested that we should look into offshore drilling as a source of Hate relief. “Hating is like a pressure in your head. And to relieve that pressure, you have to drill a hole and let the spirits out,” said Hobo Joe, resident of an Exxon Mobile station in the Gulf of Mexico.

What will Obama do exactly? Will he push for a Not Hating Policy in the democratic congress? Seek out foreign aid in not hating, perhaps call on Canada, the most popular country historically when it comes to not hating? Some even speculated that he’d create a cabinet seat dedicated to not hating. Secretary of Not Hating.

Already, Obama has been fighting the haters with his special brand of "handshakes." If you watch carefully, he'll change the style of his handshake depending on the style of the person with whom he is shaking. "Brotha man" shake for the brother. "Gentleman" shake for the lady. "Alma mater" shake for the any older white man he passes. What Obama is doing is what's being labeled in inner circles as "Shaking off the haters."

Whatever Obama decides to do as a final solution, we can’t help but remember his famous words, “We all know there will always be haters out there, so all we can do is continue to not hate and just say. And we’ll keep an eye out for the haters.”

We can only hope his acceptance speech tonight is as inspiring. This has been a Not Hating Just Saying Special Report.

Update: When Hating Hurts

2008-08-27T11:37:00.007-04:00

As we first reported back in April, Li Jiawei is a Singapore superstar and was on her way to the Beijing Olympics to lead the Singapore National Table Tennis Team. She was trying to persevere despite the uncalled-for hate she received from Ronald Susilo, her ex-fiancée. To catch up on that story we first reported on in April, click here.

The Singapore Women's Table Tennis Team was one of the favorites to win gold heading into these Olympics. Unfortunately, the team buckled without Jiawei able to lead, as she had to think about all of the apartment payments she needed to make to Susilo. Singapore sadly finished 2nd in the team competition portion. They were clearly rattled, as Li was probably going on and on in their locker room before the match, filling teammates' heads with tales of unrequited love and more cries for prenups than a Kanye West song, thus preventing them from focusing on the task at hand.

So Singapore only got the silver in the team competition. That sucks!! But surely Li Jiawei would be able to bring home some hardware in the individual competition, right?!

Wrong. The gold-medal favorite was reduced to a 4th place finish in Beijing and knocked out of medal contention. Damn, Susilo. Damn.

Susilo didn’t even make the trip to Beijing, but his hate flew first class. He laid what experts(us) refer to as a Dutch Oven Hate. This is when you commit a hate(fart), but the implications of that hate are not felt until later(unleash the covers). In this instance he farted in April, but contained the hate and then waited until during the Olympic Competition to unleash the covers. As if that shit isn’t bad enough - as if Susilo hadn’t done enough damage - there are reports coming out of Singapore that he is currently dating a chick that is hotter than Li and her name is……Kelly Poon. See for yourself, and try not to cry - I know this is a lot of hate to take in at once. Wow. Just imagine being Li: you have to come home empty-handed to your ex with his hands full - full of a woman whose actual name is "poon." We're not hating, we're just saying...that Ronald Susilo, you are truly are one of the most vindictive haters to ever walk the Earth. Not hating, just admiring.

Aspiring Rappers That Try To Sell Me Shit

2008-08-26T11:32:00.005-04:00

I'm not hating Aspiring Rappers That Try to Sell Me Shit, but why don't you aspire to leave me alone. I know you have some new "hot tracks" that you put together. I also know that you are "taking it to the streets." But get the fuck off of my streets. Look, make your music and continue to do "big things" with your "crew" but I seriously don't want to hear that shit. No one does.

What makes you think it is a good idea? What about me makes you think I want to buy your shitty CD? Let me rephrase that: what makes you think I want to buy your CD while I am walking down the street? Did I leave my house in order to be approached by some dude who is selling me some of the self-proclaimed "illest lyrics" in the city? Am I wearing a shirt that says, "Please, someone walk up to me and sell me some of the shittiest, lowest-quality, and worst-produced music ever?" If I was, I would understand why you might think it was smart to walk up and ask for $5 for the coaster you are selling. Those shirts don't exist, but if you were smart you would go get some made and sell those instead of your CD entitled "The Truth" or "The Realest." The Realest shit ever is that you are hating on all of us who don't give a shit about you.

You are hating to even think that a person would waste their time and $5 to hate on their own ears by listening to that garbage. I would rather spend my 5 dollars on nothing. In fact, I would rather you punch me in my stomach and take $5 from me than for me to buy your CD and have to walk around with that piece of shit. I could take that 5 dollars, buy a Milli Vanilli cassette tape, set it on fire, put some mustard on it, eat it, shit it back out, wrap it in a dirty diaper, put it in a bag made out of shit, then write in shit on the bag "A pile of Milli Vanilli Shit on sale for $5," and I would still be selling a less shitty product than you are. You would think that is hating, but "The Truth" is I'd be doing you a favor by helping you to realize that it's time to get a desk job. Maybe your next album can be called "The Illest Receptionist" or "The Realest Real-Estate Agent."

I'm not hating on aspiring rappers that try to sell me shit, I'm just saying.

NHJJ

Further Silencing the Haters

2008-08-25T10:20:00.001-04:00

There are a few more loose ends we must tie up before we can fully dive back into not hating, which will happen soon enough, we assure you. But before we do, there are still some topics that we feel need addressed in order to fully defend our honor. One of these highly volatile topics is the choice of shirts that the three of us are wearing in the banner picture at the top of this very page. We have been hated on countless times for our selection of attire, and it has not stopped - amazingly, even after our heroic return from exile - with a blogger named "ty" hating on us within the comments of even our most recent previous post.

Well, for ty and others, let us point out that you clearly didn't make it to our welcome back press conference. Because if you had, you would have seen that this exact topic came up. And when the question was first posed, we were admittedly - and justifiably - emotional about it, as evidenced by the following clip:

After such ignorant hating by such ignorant haters, we were understandably offended. After cooling down, however, we decided that the world should know the truth. That's why we gave a more in-depth response to the question, hopefully once and for all putting to rest the theory that we are tools because of the vintage-style, nostalgia-referencing shirts that we wear. And we're glad we did. Because we'll be honest - if it was anyone but us wearing those shirts, we'd be hating on them pretty hard. For the real reason that we wear the shirts we do, simply watch the following clip:

Hopefully, now that we are finally putting these lingering haters in their rightful place, we can get back to what we do best, which is some vicious not hating. Look for more of those traditional life-lessons and insights - and perhaps some more clips from our press-conference - throughout the rest of this week.

Answering the Critics: Why We Took Our Break

2008-08-21T10:30:00.000-04:00

We're not hating on people who hated on us for taking our break. We're just saying...just saying that all truly great masters hope that one day, they will be outperformed by their pupils. When the three of us hatestorians decided that the world had a need for this site, we created it in the hopes that someday, its very own creation would eventually lead to its own obseletion. Someday, there would be no more hate to not hate on in this world, thanks to our not hating showing the haters how to not hate.

When we created this site, we had no aspirations of fame, or glory, or to be respected for our ability to not hate (which is pretty fucking astounding, and if you disagree, then you can rot in the fiery depths of hell - not hating, just saying). What we wanted to do was give the world a glimpse of how positive and supportive three people could be if they eliminated the hate from their lives. That's why we were so passionate about never displaying any forms of negativity on our site (though the Jews always seemed to want otherwise - not hating, just saying). We thought, after 41 unquestionably brilliant, hate-free posts, that we had shown our disciples the way, and that each would go out and preach to others, and then others, and that they would tell others, and others, until the world was rid, at long last, of hating - much like the plotline of the movie "Pay It Forward," in which the world was rid of believability and satisfied moviegoers.

Could we have stayed and just said more? Of course. But again, our dream is not of a great website. Our dream is of a revolution. One in which you, and I, and we, and us, and they, can say whatever they want, without being accused of hating. A world in which hipster douchebags can be called out; in which people who play kickball can be rightfully torn a new a-hole; a world in which anybody who has ever dressed up their pet can be slammed as the future cat-lady they are inevitably going to become. We're not hating, we're just saying.

Can we still lead the charge against hating? Yes. Of course. Did we miss hati-uhh, saying things about all the stuff we have thought was stupid during our hi-hatus? Unbelievably so. But this was about more than just us.

Our break was the ultimate experiment. We wanted to see what would happen if we let go of the reigns of the world's emotions, and let hate run free once again. We wanted to see if the lessons we had passed along would stay with our pupils, or if they would revert back to sinning and false idols, as they did when Charlton Hestin left his people in that shitty Moses movie, "Ten Things I Hate About You." (Little-known fact: that's actually what God calls The Ten Commandments)

Well friends, we have the results. And they're about as impressive as my grandmother and her Rascal scooter racing against Usain Bolt. In a word: shameful. The fact that the haters prevailed, however, was not the most saddening part for us. The true tragedy was seeing how quickly our students gave in to the temptation of hating. And not just on the haters, tragically enough, but some actually were so frustrated by the lack of direction that they turned their hate inward, toward us! This was something we had feared deeply. While some of you took the lessons taught and continued fighting the good fight, we believe a good many of our readers' feeling can be summed up by a comment left by pcl3385. It simply reads:

you guys suck.

Fair enough, pcl3385. We do suck. Or, rather, we did suck. But we are back, and happy to be just that. And hopefully, if we should ever be forced to leave our place on the front lines of the army of Not Haters, in this frail and fragile world of ours, then we will have set as good an example as we can for everyone else. And if you can't see that no matter what we do, we're doing it for your own good, then you might as well just cash in all your life savings, go to the local gas station, spend thousands of dollars on gas (or probably hundreds at most, since you're a worthless piece of trash that has no money, no friends, and no future), take that fuel to a local cute-but-injured-puppy shelter, then pour the gasoline all over yourself and the puppies, and after you knaw your own feet off so that you can't walk away if you try, go ahead and set the place ablaze, with you inside it. Then, while you slowly and painfully burn to death, watch as a crowd gathers outside, slowly pouring out of the broken-down buses that were carrying members of PETA to a cute-but-injured-puppy support rally, and each and every one of them sees all the cute-but-injured puppies helplessly and needlessly dying, and then looks at your pathetic, disgusting excuse for a face as you're also dying and says, "Good - it's worth it."

We're not hating, we're just saying.

Note: For those of you who don't like reading, we also held a press conference officially announcing our return to not hating. We'll be posting snippets from said conference over the next few weeks. Here is the first such clip, and thank you to the three journalists who showed up to hear our 7-hour prepared statement and participate in the two-minute question-and-answer session.

NHJS Special Report - The Summer Olympics

2008-08-18T11:55:00.002-04:00

I’m not hating on the Summer Olympics, but I think I like them about as much as China likes ugly 7 year-old singers representing them during the opening ceremony. I respect these athletes as much as Russia respects Georgian ceasefires. I haven't seen something this shitty show up every four years since the last Star Wars prequel.

I really don't appreciate your deception, NBC. Every four years I always get so excited. I’m like "Ohhhh shit, The U.S. is about to win the gold! I can’t wait. Michael Phelps!! That guy named Gay on the Track Team!! Basketball! Boxing!" Seriously, I get hyped out of my mind.

Then the Olympics actually starts, and that’s right about the time when they start to suck. Somehow NBC had convinced me that watching this crap would be fun and exciting. I mean, "Michael Phelps is going to break Spitz’s records for number of gold medals!" That will be something to see! Then I quickly realize… that I'm watching a bunch of people swim. I don’t like watching people swim. Then I try to think about how historic it is, and look back at Spitz’s amazing feats in 1928 or whatever...but then I remember I never really gave a fuck about him, either.

I've learned a lot about the Olympics so far. I realized that fencing is stupid; rowing is…people rowing a boat; and I learned that they have an event for shooting shit, with guns...and people win medals for that. Why is Tiger Woods trying to teach inner-city kids how to golf? Half of them could already be winning gold medals. But guns are so violoent. Isn't there a firearm-free sport our kids can strive for?

Oh, wait - I forgot about Rhythmic gymnastics. Rhythmic Gymnastics is like watching 12 year-old girls play with ribbons and balls in a bathing suit. Actually, that's not what it’s like, that’s exactly what it is. That shit is not cool, nor should it ever be socially acceptable for a grown ass person to watch. Grown people that watch this are committing one of the most disdainful hates, known as the Creepy Uncle Hate. A Creepy Uncle Hate is when you do something only a Creepy Uncle would do - for example, watching rythmic gymnastics. In fact, the only way you could ever justify either of the last two sports is if you combined them. Have people with guns watch rhythmic gymnastics until they either shoot the gymnast or shoot themselves to end their own suffering. Whoever lasts the longest gets the gold, and whichever gymnast got shot first gets the gold, posthumously. That, I would watch. Are you listening, NBC?

I didn't expect to feel this way. I really thought the Olympics would make me realize that we were all just people and we should all get along. But then I saw people win gold medals for sitting on horses while they trot around.

You read that right - there is an event where horses trot around. I’m not even talking about the thing where the horses jump over the bars. I’m not even talking about horses galloping or running. I’m talking about the thing where people wear tuxedos and sit on a horse as it walks. Possibly around a Monopoly board? I'm not sure, I was too busy gouging my eyes out with the pointy end of the "Beijing 2008" flag I had regretfully purchased for 11 cents, or roughly one hour's pay of the child worker who made it.

You know what they call that horse trot shit!? Do you!? I just googled it - it’s called “Dressage.” Dressage!? They wear top hats, and I’m assuming some sort of monocle. Plus they wear some random pants that look like they were in style back in '88…1888. Look, I'm not saying this event is outdated, but I just checked the Wikipedia page on it - one of the qualifications for competing is you have to currently own slaves. Which probably explains why Germany won gold. I’m not hating on the Summer Olympics, I’m just saying.

HATE THINK TANK

2008-08-08T14:30:00.005-04:00

Hello again, world. Many of you have wondered why we've taken such a long break. Some people have actually been hating the fact that we took a break at all. Basically, we hit a wall of hate and didn't know how to just say. And when we first made this site, we wanted - above all else - to make sure we didn't encourage or condone hating of any kind. Do you know what we mean? If you don't quite get it, then here: look at one of the last "think tank" sessions we had prior to our hi-hate-us, which we would often have in order to think of new things not to hate. It will perhaps give our readers a small glimpse into the fine line between hating and saying.

Warning: the derogatory remarks used here don't necessarily reflect the views of the Not Hating Just Saying blog or anyone associated with them.

Seaton: I was searching through netflix instant play catalog and guess what I found? Muthafucking AirWolf. Air Wolf son! AIRWOLF! Can't you hear the theme song in your head right now? AIRWOLF! What if I had a hate on the networks for canceling Airwolf? How silly would that be? "Yeah I'm saying. Sure I'm like 20 years late, but that don't make it right! Internment camps was 60 years ago, that don't make that one right."

Bryson: haha i have no idea what airwolf is. but yeah, definitely. the more irrational and unnecessary the hate, the better.

John: I don't know what that shit is either

Seaton: i'm ashamed of both of you. it's a FUCKING SUPER HELICOPTER! IN THE EIGHTIES! Remember the super helicopter in Rambo 3? it's more SUPER! Fuck it. It's decided. I'm writing a hate on the world for not knowing this show!

John: that's lame, you're lame. i didn't know you could blow a helicopter, but apparently you can

Bryson: have fun blowing your helicopter. you're a helosexual. and that's weird.

Seaton: hating. that's all there is in this world. Is just hating! you fucking hating bitches. I hate back.

John: I'm sorry but when you jerk off to air wolf, do you imagine you are in the helicopter, or just standing like on a helipad? how does that work? Pervert

Seaton: when you imagine my balls in your mouth do you make a helicopter sound?

John: When you imagine having sex with AirWolf...uh..the helicopter...Does AirWolf squirt oil all over your face? Unleaded?

Seaton: it's diesel. And when you're thinking about having your perverted dreams with my balls, do you imagine cooking me eggs afterward or do you want to cuddle? sensitive bitch!

John: When you are blowing AirWolf, what do you cup with your non-jerking hand? Also, while tossing AirWolf's salad, how do you avoid burning your lips while you have them so tightly wrapped around his exhaust pipe?

Bryson: is it possible to deepthroat a helicopter? how do you negotiate the blades? is it hotter for you if you blow it while it's running? Please, share with us your knowledge of H-jobs.

Seaton: i would love to but i'm on a tight schedule, and I know how you turn into a little bitch when people rush you to stick to deadlines.

Bryson: haha wow, taking it a different direction. trying to break john and i up with a wedge hate? sorry, we are united in our monkey in the middle hate of you right now. which reminds me - what if they made a series of movies about your helicopter boyfriend, just like they did with Air Bud. Would you blow the helicopter in the locker room before all its high school basketball games? or would you wait until after the game, beneath the bleachers? or would you give the helicopter cock a "halftime speech" of sorts?

Seaton: I would blow the helicopter as many times as you are late to something. so i guess that's everyday. No, I would let the helicopter teabag me as much as the times you'll say you'll be somewhere then come an hour later. I will give the helicopter a rusty trombone for every time you call, then come late, then once you get there zone out and leave early. And John likes to touch little boys. at the zoo.

John: Seaton you should start your own blog called "not hating, just blowing a cartoon helicopter until it spews its sweet sweet oil all over my face."

Bryson: Sorry, I would be on time everywhere Seaton, but it's tough when you have to walk places. If only I had a way to get myself places quicker. A helicopter would do it, for instance. But then, even if I knew where a helicopter was, how could i convince it to take me around everywhere? I'd have to do it a lot of favors. And I'd probably have to like it. But then, I don't do that type of thing. So sometimes I'm late. That's right - I may seem irresponsible, but actually it's just because I respect myself enough not to be some helicopter's bitch.

John: haha i don't know why this shit is so much fun to me, but it is. I guess because it is just hating, in its purest form no rationale at all.
And, scene.

(We'd like to point out that this was an actual conversation, had via e-mail, between the non-haters on this site, that has since been transcribed. Given that, it is clear that it is our destiny to not hate. And therefore, thanks in part to the tens of fans who have hounded us to once again post our hate for the world (except most of the media-oppressed East) to see, we will be back soon. That's right, fellow sayers -

NEW AND IMPROVED 'NOT HATING JUST SAYING' COMING SOON!

HATER OF THE WEEK: SOUTH AFRICA

2008-05-02T09:12:00.002-04:00

We're not hating, but South Africa has lifted a 13-year ban on killing elephants this week. That's why we are lifting up our fingers to type this so that we could tell you that South Africa is this week's Hater of the Week. The Associated Press reports that South Africa is now going to legally let people shoot and kill elephants. Why, do you ask? Oh - because they are no longer on the verge of extinction. I guess that it was unsatisfactory to the South African Government that these big guys weren't endangered anymore. What's the strategy? Keep them endangered to raise awareness of their endangerment? I just confused myself with that statement, but I don't think South Africa is confused at all.

First of all, South Africa how are you going to claim the whole Southern part of Africa with your name? Why are you hating on Zimbabwe, Namibia, and Botswana just to name a few. Are they not in "South Africa." Do you know how hard it is for them to explain to people where their country is? "No I'm from Zimbabwe, it's in South Africa....No not South Africa, but South...Africa, you know what mean, right?" Not to mention you have basically eaten and swallowed Lesotho and Swaziland. Other countries watch out, South Africa will probably try to eat you too. How are you ALL of South Africa? That's like Mexico saying it's gonna call itself Central America or South North America, and that is just stupid. Everyone knows it should call itself "Bottom of America." Ok, and I'm not sure we're talking about geography anymore.

Look, "South Africa," I know you guys have a decent number of Elephants, but it's not like elephants are pigeons. They are not hanging out, crapping on statues, and if they did...well then I guess you would have some pretty disgusting statues. My point is that Kenya doesn't have a bunch of Elephants running around and they are trying to get some, why don't you throw them an elephant or two, son? Why are you so selfish? I mean, shit - if you're just going to kill them, then just give me an elephant for Christ's sake. You are not letting anyone play just because you own the ball! And you are crushing everyones fun by crying and taking it home and apparently killing it.

You can't just start killing things because they are alive. Elephants didn't do anything to anyone, except almost die. Are you trying to make your own version of a sick sequel like "Elephant Extinction: Reloaded" or some shit? Seriously, South Africa, you guys have enough problems with humans- I think you should leave the Elephants alone. You are not even 20 years removed from apartheid and you want to start killing shit? Maybe you should put elephants in their own little part of the country not to intermingle with anyone else…you guys seem to have some experience with that. We're not hating, we're just saying...that South Africa is our Hater of the Week.

You

2008-05-01T09:52:00.000-04:00

I’m not hating but you suck. We all can’t stand you. We’ve been meaning to tell you this for a long time. This is actually kind of like an intervention, so sit down. I fucking hate you for real, and I’m trying really hard to “just say” but it’s getting tough with all of the bullshit you pull.

Don’t you dare try to act like you don’t know what I am talking about because I know you do. I remember that time when you did all of that stuff and then acted like it wasn’t you. You tried to pull a fast one, but we all know it was you. So I don’t know why you are sitting there all surprised when you are reading this, like you didn’t know it was coming.

Outside of your general suckiness, do you always have to talk just so we can get a taste of how much your breath stinks? It smells like you found a way to shit in your own mouth and didn’t open up your fat face for 3 days, until you were ready to unleash that foul and just plain uncalled for halitosis breath. It is your own version of “Shock and Awe” hate . For real our eyes were watering. Do you apologize? No you just keep on talking, with all of that spit spewing out of your mouth symbolizing the rivers and oceans of bullshit that you blab about on a daily basis.

Oh and don’t get me started on your teeth. Seriously, are you holding billions of molecules of plaque hostage behind your prison bar style teeth? Is there some 85 year old John McCain style plaque POW, just waiting to come out and lose the United States of Plaque election? Do you gargle with cranberry juice and urine before you go to bed? I’ve heard of yellow and green teeth, but blood red? Eating Cheerio’s shouldn’t make your mouth bleed like that.

I’m sorry but are you some kind of mutant? Or do you consider that leech like uni-brow to be normal? It looks like Bert Reynolds’ and Tom Selleck’s mustaches are 69ing on your forehead. Ewwww, I think Selek’s lip rag just climaxed all over your face, that’s probably where all of your acne comes from. Either that or you use a handful of French fries to wash your face.

Oh what’s that you say? I’m being mean to you? That’s not being mean; I didn’t even mention the several venereal diseases that you inexplicable contracted. Scientists from all over the world are trying to figure out how it happen, no one would ever have sex with you, ever. So how do you get Chlamydia AND Crabs? Well ok the crabs you probably got from that time when we all caught you pleasuring yourself with one of the hand drying machines, but Chlamydia? The Mythbusters are working on that one right now. Seriously how do you get diseases that don’t even exists anymore? The plague!? For real? We know your hygeine is Medevil but your afflictions are as well!?

Look I'm really not hating I just thought it needed to be said. Now get your life together and leave us alone. I'm not hating on you, I'm just saying.

Ligers

2008-04-30T09:48:00.011-04:00

I’m not hating, but Ligers are the lamest mutation animal I’ve ever seen. Think about it. If you were told that a fucking TIGER and LION joined forces and created a child, you would think this thing would be able to destroy the world with its force and power. Instead it’s just a funny-colored, sterile, multi-colored...thing.

It looks crazy - just look at it. It looks like a lion that fell in a makeup bucket, and then it came out looking like someone's auntie about ready to go to church. And you think a Lion would ever accept a Liger as a son? No, it’s bad enough it’s “mixed” - what do you think the neighborhood will think of the child that wears makeup? Not to mention, they're sterile! This should be some kind of a Bravo Original movie. "Liger: Mixed and Fixed."

How the hell do you hide in the jungle with all that color? You can’t sneak up on anything when you’re the rainbow. The rainbow doesn’t sneak, the rainbow sings.

Ligers must be depressed, and compensate by being kind of like the standup comedians of the Zoo. “Yeah, so I’m a half Tiger half Lion. That means I have good credit and a big dick. Liger please.”

And what’s messed up about it all are the shattered dreams of all those zookeepers who thought it would be a great idea to get these animals to bone in the first place. I know they were sitting around high-fiving each other when they saw that Lion mount that Tiger booty. What great things must have been in the marijuana-infused minds. Perhaps they imagined that this Liger would take flight and rid the world of evil. Or perhaps learn the languages of the world and become a prophet. I know they didn’t imagine that a Liger's only purpose in life was to just look stupid.

Let's revisit the fact that Ligers are sterile! What's the point of even breeding them? You are just creating enormous, frustrated, and angry animals that have no idea why they even exist! Judging by how they look, it seems as though all Ligers are basically the shitty parts of Lions and Tigers, mixed together to form a big, stupid-looking, and intellectually-challenged version of themselves. That's a recipe for disaster. Did anybody read Of Mice and Men? Remember how the big, strong, special guy killed the woman in the end? Don’t you think for one second that a Liger wouldn’t accidentally break your neck because he thinks your hair is pretty and he’s trying to rub it. Really hard.

I’m not hating on Ligers, I’m just saying.

Parents Who Brag About Their Kids' Grades on Bumper Stickers

2008-04-29T10:34:00.007-04:00

I'm not hating on parents who brag about their kids' grades on bumper stickers, because that is definitely something worth shitting your pants about! Along with showing off how many times you've been to Hilton Head - or if you're white trash, the fact that you've visited 'Wall Drug' - your kids' grades are certainly worth pasting onto the back of your SUV.

Oh, and let me just tell you, thank God you put that on there! We were dying to know how he was handling Social Studies!!! Especially right after you cut me off in rush-hour traffic, and I was about to wish death upon your firstborn. At the last second, I knew not to, because he has a B-minus average at Nevergoingtocollegeanyway Middle School in Bumfuck, Louisiana, or wherever it is he goes to "get his learn on."

Listen. If your 7th grader can't dunk a basketball or isn't sleeping with his English teacher, then I'm sorry, I don't care. He or she is lame, period. And they're probably going to fail so bad at life that by the time they're forty, their biggest source of pride will be that they're son or daughter has a B-minus average in Economics at Perpetualpoverty Middle School in East Bumfuck, Louisiana, or wherever it is they'll have made their big move to.

Oh, and by the way - your kid sucks at soccer.

Okay, look. I know your kid has been a prodigy ever since she shit her pants when she was only an hour old (that's like two hours before most kids!!), but why don't you just shut the fuck up about your "miracle" for a minute, stop telling the world how great they are, and realize that all you did was create another worthless douche bag that's going to make the rest of us late to work because they don't realize that they can turn right on red.

In fact, they may have to make a few new bumper stickers thanks to your little Johnny. One can read, "Amazingly, my son actually isn't on the honor roll at his Middle School." That one's for you. They can also make one that says, "My son isn't on the honor roll at his Middle School. But I am."

That one's for him - because he can probably make the 8th grade honor roll, but by the time he does, he'll be 26 and own two cars of his own. Because I don't care what your bumper says - your kid sucks at life. And so do you. I'm not hating on parents who brag about their kids' grades on bumper stickers, I'm just saying.

People Who Are in Front of Me in Line

2008-04-28T01:36:00.006-04:00

I’m not hating, but people that are in front of me in line are the most annoying people in the world. Why do you never have your shit ready when it is your turn in the front? A perfect example can be found when getting on a bus.

Now, ninety percent of you won't find this part funny, because you aren't poor enough to reduce yourself to the shameful experience of riding a public bus. So basically, fuck ninety percent of you. Have fun getting wherever you're going on time. I hear it's great.

Riding a bus sucks, but what really blows my mind are people getting on the bus without their bus pass ready! I mean, for real? You know the bus is coming! You are waiting at a BUS STOP! Did you think you had some sort of tab, like this was a general store in 1846? How can someone suck at getting onto a bus? Here's how lame you are: If you walked past Forrest Gump once you finally got on, he'd look at you and say "Seat's taken." If you tried to sit next to Rosa Parks in the back, she'd get up and go stand in the front.

Oh, and at the drug store! You're there waiting, just about ready to get to the front. I’m behind you thinking, “No bags? I wonder what he's getting?” You then proceed to grab some gum and shuffle around...for your debit card! For an 89-cent purchase? Honestly, I'd give you the money, but you'd probably then use it to pay your cell phone bill, so that the next time you're in line, you can take even longer and be even louder and even more annoying.

Look. Pretty much anyone who is in front of you in line is demonstrating a great example of a Paris Hilton Hate. This is when you actually don't do anything actively to hate, but the fact that you exist and act the way that you normally do...that alone is hating on anyone you have ever come in contact with. You're on a par with Paris Hilton. Congrats.

It’s honestly like you are all working together in this intricate conspiracy to make everyone but you and your crew of slow douches late for shit. I don’t even know how you all do it! I guess you guys have it all choreographed - one of you blocks an escalator down to the subway, listening to your Ipod, while everyone around you hopes someone mugs you and takes it. So I go ahead and rob you, but I get caught because one of your henchmen is blocking an exit with some kind of Fire Code Violation Hate. I have a friend rob a bank to cover my bail, but he can't because one of you takes so long filling out your cashier's check that he doesn't have time. I then convince a friend to send a mail bomb to the bank out of revenge, but sure enough, one of you A-holes is at the Post Office and has a package that needs special wrapping, so he gets tired of waiting and just goes home. I get so frustrated that you have ruined my attempts to destroy you that I hope that I get a death sentence so that I can just die. I do in fact get sentenced to death, but in an incredibly ironic twist of fate, I stay alive for decades because one of you douche bags is right in front of me on death row, and it gets brought to a standstill by your dozens of appeals.

I’m not hating on people who are in front of me in line, I’m just saying.

NHJJ

HATER OF THE WEEK: JAPANESE SCIENTISTS

2008-04-25T10:46:00.012-04:00

Now, normally we would never want to put Japanese Scientists in a low light. I mean, they've produced every mechanical/electronic wonder that has brought unparalleled joy to all our lives. Their cars don’t break, their anime' is top notch, their Nintendos got us through the 80’s, and their lasers helped us kill Godzilla.

But when they come out with a study that says menstrual cycle blood can cure heart disease, we can’t help but to declare them our Haters of the Week! (see: article)

What makes this hate so thorough is our unrelenting faith in the Japanese. Call me racist, but if a Japanese guy approaches me spitting knowledge of science, sushi, or breakdancing, you’re gonna bet that I will not question a damn thing he or she says.

So you want me to take period blood every day? I sure will, Dr. Lee.

What Japanese Scientists have done is called "Voodoo Hate." This is where they hate on a disease-ridden patient by putting the most vile things on or around him. Other objects for “cures” would be urine, baby spit-up, or the balls of any nearby animal or homeless man.

Now this is actually a double hate on society. Cause not only does a doctor have to look a person square in their face and say that they are going to make them take cycle blood, but then there is a woman out there who’s going to start buying a lot of jars for that winter storage, if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? Cause that’s nasty.

Can you imagine the process of storage? I bet you it’s like that scene in the beginning of Ghostbusters where Egon tells Bill Murray to collect slime off the bookshelves, and Bill is disgusted cause it’s getting all over his hands. I know periods aren’t slimy, but so what? You telling me you would be less disgusted if Slimer turned into a period blood ghost going around curing heart disease? Then you’re a freak. Get away from me.

I don’t know much, but I know now more than ever that I need to start eating my vegetables. I need to develop an exercise routine. I need aerobics. Whole grain. Oats. Fiber! I’m cutting cholesterol out of my diet completely. No fatty foods. Fuck you, fried chicken! Cause I don’t want there to ever be a day when my doctor sits down in front of me, clipboard in hand, looking down in shame, an odd fishy smell in the air, and tells me that because of my clogged arteries, he’s gonna put me on a menstrual smoothie diet.

I’m not hating, I’m just saying...that Japanese Scientists are the Haters of the Week.

People who find this site by google searching odd shit

2008-04-23T10:17:00.011-04:00

I'm not hating, but people who find this site by google searching odd shit are just weird. Some of you may not know this, but with our site tracker, we are able to see(sometimes) what people searched to find our site. Most of the time we can't see anything - like 90% of the time the listing comes up as "unknown" - but there are a precious few of you that we are able to see exactly what you googled that led you to our site. Admittedly, that's a mild hate by us, I'm not going to lie. I suppose it would be some kind of Patriot Act Hate, where your privacy is invaded a little bit, but hey, you clicked on us! So we don't feel too bad about it. Below are a few of our favorites, with analysis.

"guy with red and black Mohawk" – This introduced a new reader to Seaton's Black Guys with Mohawks Post. I'm not really sure what to think about this. Who is this mysterious man with a red and black Mohawk?

"why do black people run so good?" – This linked a reader to Seaton's White people who try to teach black people about black culture post. Now this one is particularly perplexing - first of all, this is a vicious hate on grammar known by Hate-ologists as a Teach For America Hate. But more importantly it is a traditional hate called racism. I don't know what this person was actually looking for, maybe he was going to find a Ku Klux Klan "academic" study on the subject.

"I want to fuck li jawei" – This one linked to our HATER OF THE WEEK: RONALD SUSILO post. Now, apparently this person thought that google was actually a wishing well. Or maybe he felt bad and thought that whatever you typed into google was actually read by priests and this was some sort of confessional. Either way, I would like to point out the insensitive nature of this question. She just got out of a really bad relationship and is still dealing with a lot of baggage. Not to mention she has the Olympics coming up, you jerk. You are no better than Ronald.

"How can we save the pandas?" – This one linked to Bryson's People who want to save Pandas post. This is one of my favorite posts because unknowingly, this person just hated on themselves. We call this a Mine Field Hate - you are walking along minding your own business and then bam! You hate all over yourself. This person was searching for answers. They wanted to know how to save the animal that can't save itself. But all they found was a dissertation on why they suck. Now of course, Bryson wasn't hating…he was just saying, but damn it must have hurt.

"Why do people run marathons?" – This one linked to John's People who run marathons post. This one could really be a variety of things, either this person was delighted to find someone who was wondering the same thing, and took it as an opportunity to hate(say) on it, or they just really wanted to know. They just were wondering "why do people do that? Should I be doing that?" If that's so, then that makes you even dumber than the people who run them.

"What are the best marathons to run?" – Also linked to John's People who run marathons post. Similar to the "How can we save the pandas" search, this person self-hated with a Mine Field hate. Would it be hating to say that that is hilarious…no because it is. Hate Validation!

"Why do white people still hate on black people?" – This one linked to Seaton's White people who try to teach black people about black culture post. Now this is kind of just a good question. Not really google search appropriate, but maybe he should ask a history professor. This question of hate is out of our realm of expertise.

"Why they be hatin on me im saying" – I can't remember which post this linked to, but it could have been any one of them. This is just a tough question. Not enough information. Who are they? What kind of hate? Imperialist Hate? McCarthy Hate? What is it? If I had to guess why anyone would hate on you in any way, it would probably have something to do with your complete lack of common sense, grammar, and question marks. I hope that helps, dude.

"If pandas go extinct will bamboo die to" – This one linked to Bryson's People who want to save Pandas post. This one is the best, it leaves me speechless.

"Won the lottery" – This one linked to John's People who win the lottery post. This one basically verifies that what I was saying in that post was true. This was a Self-Hate Fulfilling Prophecy, if you will. Because I am pretty sure the first thing you do when you win the lottery is just type in "won the lottery" in google. Did you think google was a text messaging device? "I'm just going to google all my friends to let them know I'm paid!"

"Seriously, Hasselhoff, you're on a show called 'America's Got Talent!' right now. That's like Helen Keller judging on a show called 'America's Got Senses" – This is just weird. I don't know if they found our site, saw this exact quote, and were doing some kind of analogy check with google. Or they actually thought of this on their own and thought google was some kind of punchline rating device and wanted to see where this little burn stands on a worldwide scale. No one really knows.

These were just a few of the good ones. Seriously, people of the world you are geniuses. I'm not hating people who find this site by google searching odd shit, we're just saying.

"Celebrities" on Reality Shows

2008-04-22T10:41:00.004-04:00

I'm not hating on "Celebrities" on reality shows, but they are the saddest examples of humans on earth. In a way, just by making us feel bad for you, you're hating on all of us. Your Pity Hate is not appreciated. Your existence is solely to entertain us with how sorry your life is compared to ours - know your role.

Do you know what Vanilla Ice's real name is? Robert Matthew Van Winkle. Van Winkle, son. Van Winkle!! Really, dude? Did you honestly expect to have that good a life with a last name like "Van Winkle?"

(Important Note: This blog takes no prisoners. You will not find many people who have the balls to go after people like Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer. But we are intimidated by no one. If we lose those contacts, so be it.)

Honestly, why do we care about what any of you are up to twenty years after we barely gave a shit about you in the first place? Oh, you're fat now? Can we watch you not lose weight and struggle with addiction that was brought on by your lack of success since you had a bit role on 'Family Matters'? We would all love that.

The only thing worse than having washed up celebrities compete in reality shows is having them judge them. Since when is David Hasselhoff an expert on talent? Did you really learn that much from studying Yasmine Bleeth? Honestly, David, I know that album you dropped in the early 90's was a huge hit in Germany (not a joke), but I don't know if that makes you an industry "expert." Your song making it to number 1 on the German charts (again, not a joke) is the single worst collective decision that Germans have made in the past hundred...well, let's just say sixty-three years.

Seriously, Hasselhoff, you're on a show called "America's Got Talent!" right now. That's like Helen Keller judging on a show called "America's Got Senses!" Why the fuck are you involved with that show? The only reality show you should be involved with is one in which they do a study to find out how someone can have such disgusting chest hair. Your chest hair is actually outgoing. No, I mean literally. It has its own personality traits, and it's an extrovert. It likes meeting people.

I'm actually pretty sure that 75% of all food that's been sent back at restaurants since 1978, Hasslhoff's chest hair has had something to do with it. In fact, I have the stats to back it up.

Despite all that, now somehow you're a judge on some show about American talent? Unless shaking someone's hand with your chest hair is a talent, I'm pretty you have none. How can the talentless judge the talentless? Calling the kettle talentless, aren't we?

We should have a new reality show where we see which former pseudo-celebrity that has appeared on a reality show can die first. I might actually tune in to that one, because I'd love to see them all die slow - no wait, quick - painful deaths. I'm not hating, I'm just saying.

Women Who Say They Play Video Games

2008-04-21T09:52:00.008-04:00

I'm not hating on girls who say they play video games, but no, you don't.

Wait! What am I saying!? How dare I not give you credit for the two hours of Mario Kart that you played while you were a freshman in college!!! That makes you an expert of the video game world, right!?

Wrong. Look, ladies. I'm gonna go ahead and issue a blanket statement: If a video game allows you to play as a princess, as opposed to saving her, that no longer oficially counts as a video game.

Wait! Now I'm really talking crazy!! I'm being totally unfair to you guys!!! I'm forgetting the half-hour that you played of Sonic the Hedgehog when you were nine! Remember that game? It was the one with the rings. You enjoyed it, because you got to collect rings! Yay!!! But then you quit because you couldn't figure out how work up enough spin to break through that wall. Remember? I know, it was really tough, I know.

What's that?? You play video games now!? Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!! I forgot about that intense video game where you raise puppies by feeding them imaginary hamburgers, and that other game, where you have to feed that fish by pressing one button once. I have so much more respect for your gaming abilities now!

What's that? Wow, you keep interrupting, but I'm glad you are, because you keep bringing up such great and valid points. Oh, I see - you really do play video games, because you spend a ton of time playing Sims. You have an entire family going, huh? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Happily married, huh? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. He's a firefighter? Uh-huh. Two dogs!? Uh-huh. Wow, that's really, really great.

Hey listen, I just thought of another rule: Any video game in which the characters lead a more boring life than the loser that's actually playing it - that no longer counts as a video game. If there aren't zombies of some kind, or a war of some kind, or time travel of some kind, or multiple types of guns and cars and gangs, or there isn't a fat football announcer that says "Boom!" on the front of the box, then that doesn't count as a video game. I'm sure making two people succeed in having a casual conversation is huge news in Bumfuck, Mississippi, or wherever you live, but everywhere else on the planet, that's boring as shit.

Really though, ladies, your video games are great. I hear they're coming out with a new one called "Staying Alive" where every time you play, you focus on having your character do nothing. It gets really intense around level 5, I read. Oh, and then the new one that Nintendo is keeping under wraps is the blockbuster title "Breathing." I hear it's even more fun with that new Wii controller.

Time for a heart to heart, ladies: You don't play video games. I know you think you do. And that's great. But no, you don't. Look. If you've never been playing a video game one night, gotten into it, and then been like, "Why did they turn on so many lights outside? Oh wait, it's morning," then I'm sorry, you don't play video games. If you've never gotten a blister on your finger from playing video games, and yet you continued to play through that pain as if you were being tortured at Guantanamo Bay, then I'm sorry, you don't play video games. If you've never legitimately cared about the strength, stamina, and general health of one of your characters more than your own, then I'm sorry, you don't play video games. Frankly, if you've ever felt productive or worthwhile, or if you've felt like you're contributing to society positively in any way, then I'm sorry, you don't play video games.

And I know this one may seem unfair to you, but if you have a vagina, then I'm sorry, you don't play video games. Hey, I don't make the rules. But I know the rules. And those are the rules.

I'm not hating on women who play video games. Because there aren't any. I'm not hating on women who say they play video games, I'm just saying.

Note: This is a video game --------->

HATER OF THE WEEK: CINDY MCCAIN

2008-04-18T09:00:00.008-04:00

We're not hating, but there is nothing like some good old-fashioned, home-cooked hate! Especially if it's a nice family recipe passed down from generation to generation - you can't fake the love in those home recipes! Just ask Cindy McCain, this week's Hater of the Week. Word just got out that they took down the feature on presidential candidate John McCain's website in which his wife - Cindy McCain - posted some of her favorite "original" family recipes. Not because they were just too delicious for people to handle, but because she stole them directly from the Food Network and everyone's favorite food celebrity, Rachael Ray. She is clearly hating!

Before I go on; a lot of people may say "Hey, if you are going to talk semi-politics, shouldn't Obama be the hater of the week for calling people bitter?" Well, the fact that people are bitter at him for saying that people are bitter, by definition, makes it not hating. If you receive Hate Validation - which he clearly did in this case - then technically it's not hating…it's just saying. That is the very thing we encourage on this site.

Anyway, Cindy claimed that these were her home recipes! Some of "Cindy's Recipes" were ahi tuna and passion fruit mousse….passion fruit mousse? Who the fuck has a HOME recipe for passion fruit mousse? Other than maybe some white trash dude in Montana who makes it with actual Moose meat and just sucks at spelling.

No, but seriously, I think we all remember Sunday afternoons when mom would throw a great meal together with that ahi tuna we had lying around the house and then whip up some passion fruit mousse for dessert. Cindy definitely hated on the American people for thinking we were dumb enough to believe that someone’s home recipe had the word "passion" in it. The only actual foods with the word "passion" in it are found in Shakespeare, and after you eat them, you die.

But this isn’t even the worst part. When confronted by the media about her “recipes,” she blamed it on her intern! Seriously, that is a recipe for some serious hating. With just a dash of deceit and a few heaping tablespoons arrogance, you too can hate just like Cindy. But then you would be plagiarizing, because that’s Cindy’s recipe. And if you plagiarized her recipe, you'd be plagiarizing her plagiarizing of recipes, which would be....double plagiarizing? We think? Just make sure not to blame your double plagiarizing on the intern, because that would be triple plagiarizing. And that's a level of hate that, quite frankly, frightens even us.

For real Cindy? You blame it on the intern? Her response was that this was a “low-level unpaid staff debacle.” Damn, Cindy! That's a direct quote!!! This type of hate actually hasn’t been exercised in years. Some might remember it as the Blame it on the Butler Hate, stemming from the Victorian Era, but many Hate-storians now refer to it as Blame it on the Dog Hate; When the hater blames their hate on a subservient party who has no way of hating back.

We're just shocked she didn’t get another intern to give her statement(hatement) for her in an attempt at Outsource Hate. Judging from her exemplary hating highlighted above, I am sure she knew about the option, but wanted the hate all to herself. You see, that's the kind of hating we need in the White House. She can have a plaque on her desk that says "The Buck Stops Here...when it comes to Hating." We're not hating, we're just saying - that Cindy McCain is the hater of the week.

News and Notes: A Glossary of Hate

2008-04-17T09:35:00.021-04:00

A letter to our beloved readers,

As professors of hate, we are always very cautious to never hate. We know how hateful hate can be, so we stay away from it and encourage others to do the same. Unfortunately, the great majority of people can't recognize hate when they see it. This is why we have developed a glossary of hate terms. Basically, these are "hate identifiers" that can assist you in calling out haters. This is a running list and will be updated frequently (let's be honest - hate is a fluid, ever-changing art form. Really, no two hates are the same. This is known as the Snowfhate Theory, but we won't go into that here). From now on, we'll link any new Hate Identifiers within a post to our Hate Glossary, to make it easier for you to understand what all those haters (not us) all around you are doing.

For real though, if you don't want to learn these hate terms, then you are part of the problem. So learn them! If you don't, we hope you get attacked and mauled by thousands of rats, and then the rats go bowling and use your eyes as the ball and they pick ten of themselves at random to act as the pins, but they change the rules so that the pins are allowed to eat the ball, but then you suck so bad at bowling - you're like, Obama bad - that no matter what they do, your sucky eye just rolls into the gutter every time. By the way, the gutter is filled with naked pictures of Bea Arthur, and they're from now, not back when she was hot and on Golden Girls. Not hating, just saying.

See? If we were haters, then that would have been a Hyperbolic Hate, and depending on how you feel about it, you may think that we just hit a Hate Home Run. Now, of course, we're not. But...y'know...if we were, that would have been hating.

Let's just get to the damn list.

Airball Hate (n. or v.): When someone attempts to hate, but so completely misses the point of what they were trying to hate on, that they completely embarrass themselves as opposed to shaming the attempted hatee. Often occurs when someone takes a tongue-in-cheek hate way too seriously, and tries to offer up a valid argument against said hate.

(Closely related to: Swing and Miss Hate)

Anal Hate (n. or v.): Any hate that occurs that is simply done because the person doing the hating is lame and can't take a joke, or is bothered by a technicality that makes the hate inaccurate in some inconsequential way.

Apple Pie Hate (n. or v.): A hate that America does either to the rest of the world - or possibly to itself, or a suppressed group of any kind - that makes us proud and yet would embarrass every other type of person from every other country in the world if it even occurred to them to do it.

Backhanded Hate (n. or v.): See Trojan Hate.

Biblical Hate (n. or v.): A hate so vicious that it - or a closely analogous situation - was prophesized in the Bible.

"I can't believe those guys threatened your friend, and you denied that you even knew him! And not once, but three times? Man...that's some Biblical Hate.

Blank-Check Hate: (n. or v.): On rare occasions, a hater is able to create a situation where, for whatever reason, no matter how much they hate, it will never seem like they are hating too much. This most often occurs as part of a reverse-hate, but can in fact be achieved in a number of ways.

"Every time Andy Pettite talks about Roger Clemens, it just reminds me of how much of a lying douche Clemens is. Whenever Pettite hates, all I can think about is how much Clemens deserves to be hated - it's a blank-check hate."

Blame it on the Butler Hate (aka Blame it on the Dog Hate) (n. or v.): When the hater blames their hate on a subservient party who cannot hate back. Originated in the Victorian Era and perfected by people who cheat at the board game Clue.

Me – "Did you just fart? That smells terrible."
You- "It wasn't me, it was the dog."
Me – "Don't try that Blame it on the Butler Hate with me!"

Boomerang Hate (n. or v.): A hate that takes the reason that someone is hating on you, and then turns the fact that they used that rationale to hate on you into a hate on themselves, thus sending their original hate right back in their face, as if a boomerang. This is a wonderful display of the "not hating just saying" mantra, when done right.

Complementary Hate (n. or v.): A hate that occurs after an original hate has already been presented, and merely affirms the previous hate. Closely related to the "Corollary Hate."

Also known as: Piggy-Back Hate.

Eisenhower Hate (n. or v.): Any hate that is used by a politician to discredit a fellow politician. Note: There are countless subdivisions of Eisenhower Hates, but they all fall underneath this Hate Umbrella.

Evil Genius Hate (n. or v.): A hate where someone thinks of a plan that is incredibly and unnecessarily complicated in order to hate on someone on a worldwide stage.

Fact-Checker Hate (n. or v.): This is a hate that is directed at a miniscule, often meaningless mistake that only could have been pointed out if the Hater did a particularly pathetic amount of research to verify that the original statement was in fact technically wrong.

Friendly-Fire Hate (n. or v.): This occurs when someone is trying to say something nice to someone - usually to make up for someone else's previous hate - but they end up hating even more on the victim, despite trying to cheer them up.

Note: These can be just ridiculously hilarious sometimes. The sadder the hatee, the more the accidental hater is trying to cheer them up, and the more hilarious the unintended hate becomes.

Example: Boyfriend - "Sorry, I wasn't really that great in bed tonight."
Girlfriend - "Aww, don't worry, honey - I never expect much from you anyway."

Halfway Hater (n. or v.): Someone who wants to hate on someone or something, but is for some reason conflicted, and therefore does a less-than-stellar job of hating. Often occurs in the context of politics or romantic relationships.

"Look, he didn't 'mislead' - he lied. Don't be a Halfway Hater on this."

Hate Delay (n.): A scientific term denoting when a hate takes place, but the person being hated doesn't even realize they're being hated until well after they're able to respond to the hate.

"I would have punched him in the face if I'd realized what he was saying, but there was a two-hour hate-delay."

Hate Home Run (n.): A spectacular hate that absolutely maximizes the potential for hating in a given situation. This can only be topped by the incredibly rare "Hate Grand Slam."

"I think it's fair to say that Gawker stepped up to the plate and hit a Hate Home Run."

(origin: Katya, 'People That Think We are White')

Hate Paranoia (n.): When someone becomes so consumed with the fear of being hated on that they actually alter their actions in order to try to avoid that fate.

"I've been studying tap for about seven years now, and I really wanted to perform in the school talent show - I even had a specially-made leotard made for my outrageously jelly-like body - but I had to cancel last minute because of Hate Paranoia."

Hate Validation (n.): This occurs when a statement is originally interpreted as hating, but the reaction to said hate in some way validates the legitimacy of the statement, therefore proving that it was in fact not hating, but just saying.

Me: "I bet you cry like a little girl when someone makes fun of you."

You: (bursting into hysterical crying fit) "You take that back! Why?! Oh God, Why?!? Why are you hating like that!?"

Me: "That's not hating, son. Not after that Hate Validation."

Hater Power Move (n.): An action - taken by a Hater - that asserts his hating dominance, even amongst other lesser haters. These are often closely related to McCarthy Hates or can lead to the acquisition of Master Hater Territory.

Hate-Stacking (v.): To combine the use of multiple forms of hate in order to intensify a particular hate.

"Damn, she hit you with the Trojan Hate AND her girl came in for the Monkey in the Middle Hate?! That's some serious Hate-Stacking!"

Hate-storian (n.): A person with expertise in the field of Hating. This includes, but is not limited to: an ability to respect quality hates, an intimate knowledge of the history of hating, an appreciation for both the healing and destructive power of hating, and - in extreme circumstances, and only when merited - an ability to hate with extreme ferocity in order to restore what is just and good in this world.

See also: Us.

Hating Props (n.): The credit that is given to someone after a hate is dropped. Can be given after any hate, though is usually reserved for particularly vicious and/or effective hates. Also can be given for a career body of work, i.e. "I hate Pat Robertson, but the man does deserve some Hating Props."

Hyperbolic Hate (n. or v.): A hate that is, in some way, absolutely extreme and ridiculous. Often times blames all of the world's problems on a small and pretty much irrrelevant aspect of society. Really any hate that is blown out of proportion.

"I'm serious, man - the world is coming to an end soon because of global warming, and global warming can be blamed on industrialization, and what really put industrialization on the map was the cotton gin. Eli Whitney pretty much ended the world."

Note: Example was intentionally written with extreme levels of ignorance.

Imperialist Hate (n. or v.): This occurs when you undercut the market and expand across Earth without even the slightest concern for how this may ruin the world economy. Often involves selling a very shitty product at a deceptively cheap price in order to make old people bitter and sad.

Insecure Male Hate (n.): A hate where a man will hate on a woman - or women - due to her being much more successful and respected than he is, or his general fear of being emasculated.

Also known as: Porsche Hate.

King Solomon Hate (n. or v.): A hate in which the hater makes the two haters he is hating on look bad for hating on each other, as he himself hates on both of them equally.

Marty McFly Hate (n. or v.): A different type of Delayed Hate, in which the Hate Delay is 100 hundred years or more. Hate is characterized by the fact that by the time the hate is fully realized, the world is an entirely different place than when the hate first occurred.

"I can't believe the Bourgeoisie tricked the Proletariats into working for hundreds of years without giving them a real chance to move up in the social hierarchy of medieval times! That is some serious Marty McFly hate!"

Masterhate (v.): the act of dropping a hate that no one enjoys except the person who said it; usually occurs late at night in front of a computer screen and involves copious amounts of lotion and tears.

"I hope you enjoyed that masterhation session, because no one else did."

Click here for perfect example.

(origin: jackson, 'A Glossary of Hate')

Master Hater Territory (n.): The area within which a particularly vicious hater subsides, or claims ownership of. Often - though not exclusively - this land has been acquired through an act that involves some form of hating.

McCarthy Hate (n. or v.): A hate so irrational and unfounded that it becomes a historical event.

Meta-Humor Hate (n. or v.): See also: this entire site.

(origin: this douchebag named Charlie, 'Guest Sayer (Hater) Charlie Willson')

Mine Field Hate: A self hate that is done completely by accident

Minutia-Hate (n. or v.): A hate on something that is so immaterial, it's hard to even make a case that the hate wasn't a complete waste of time. An evolutionary ancestor to the yet-to-have-its-existence-proven "Single Cell Hate."

(origin: Chris, 'H.o.W. Ronald Susilo')

Monkey in the Middle Hate (n. or v.): A hate where two haters collaborhate to hate on one party, thus ruining any chance of the hatee being able to pull off a Reverse Hate.

Murphy's Hate (n.): Occurs when someone or something is nearly perfect in every way, but there is one tiny thing wrong with it, and that lone flaw is exposed and focused on by the Hater.

Necessi-Hate (n. or v.): A hate reaction that occurs when faced with a hate that is so unfounded and ridiculous that a hate on the original hater becomes not only deserved, but downright required.

"At first I was trying to stay cool, but a hate that ignorant necessihated a Reverse Hate."

(origin: Shinyfluff, 'A Glossary of Hate')

Nike Hating (n.): Paying people from a third-world country an embarrassingly small amount in order to make your products available for a very affordable price, but then pricing your products as if every single worker in aforementioned countries is given a 401 k.

Outsource Hate (n. or v.): A form of hate where the person who wants to hate employs another person to hate for them. Positives include being able to avoid Reverse Hates. Negatives include the lack of credit received for a great hate.

Patriot Act Hate (n.): A hate all over your privacy. See also, every major decision made by the Bush Presidency in the supposed interest of national security.

Piggy-Back Hate (n. or v.): See Complementary Hate.

Porsche Hate (n. or v.): See Insecure-Male Hate.

Reverse Hate (n. or v.): Occurs when someone is able to hate on the hate of someone else, therefore negating the effectiveness of the original hate. Doubly effective if the hate of the hate is even harsher than the original hate, meaning that every time someone thinks of the original hate, they are reminded of the superior reverse hate, therefore losing respect for the original hater. (for closely related term, see also: Boomerang Hate)

You - "Your blog sucks"

Me - "Yea, well that hate sucked. In fact, if that hate sucked any harder it would suck almost as much as you...which is about 18 dicks at a time."

You - "Damn, why you got to Reverse Hate like that?!"

Rip Van Winkle Hate (n. or v.): A form of Hate Delay, but the hate lays dormant and goes unnoticed for 20 years or more.

Single Cell Hate (n.): A hate so unmerited, and directed at something so ineffectual, that it actually alters the course of humanity as we know it.

Important Note: Existence not yet proven.

Sling-Shot Hate (n.): A timely hate when you have some hate to drop on someone, but rather than hate on them then and there, you instead save it up until right when it will do the most damage.

"I can't believe they brought that shit up two days before the election! Damn...that was one hell of a Sling-Shot Hate."

Snitching (v.): Hating by calling someone out on a hate that they did on someone else in order to inflict hate upon the original hater. i.e. referees, umpires, corporate whistle-blowers. Often immediately preceded by the word "stop" when used by rappers.

Supreme Hateration (n.): An especially harsh example of hating. Often times - though not always - so harsh that it's not actually funny. Often accentuated by italicizing the word 'supreme.'

"Did you see what Lorena Bobbitt did to her husband? Damn...that was some supreme hateration.

Teach For America Hate (n.): A hate on grammar that is so bad that it insults teachers everywhere.

Trojan Hate (n. or v.): A hate in which the hater appears to be complimenting someone but is in fact hating on them. Also known as a "backhanded hate".

"Wow, you're a really great actor. You should get your own sitcom on Fox, just like Michael Rappaport."

Van Gogh Hate (n. or v.) – A hate that is so genius that it isn’t understood or appreciated until long after the original hater is dead. This hate is often confused with hates that suck.

“Don’t be so quick to Reverse Hate on me, son. This could very well be a Van Gogh Hate.”

White Hate (n. or v.) - The worst type of hate that we've found in our time studying hating. This is pretty much any natural thought that a white person has on a daily basis without even thinking about it.

Wow Hate (n. or v.) - This is a hate that is so harsh and so borderline-offensive that it's barely even enjoyable to hear. It usually will present an offensive topic or image so that the third party involved is pretty much dared to hate the sayer more than the hater because of such a flippant reference to said offensive topic. It's a gutsy move, but when it works, it is a viciously powerful hate. Often elicits nothing but the word "Wow."

Hater: "Yo, son. Your life is so sad it makes the holocaust look like an episode of Teletubbies."

(Hatee begins silently crying; no one says a word for several minutes)

Witness to Hate: "Wow."

Note: This hate is not to be confused with a WoW Hate, which is when a nerd hates on a fellow nerd, but ends up hating on both of them, because they both understand the nerdy, massive-multiplayer-online references found within the hate.

_________________________________________________________

This is, quite honestly, just the tip of the ol' iceberg when it comes to the Dictionary of Hate. We'll continue adding to this as we see fit. In the meantime, hopefully these definitions help you to recognize the specific types of haters out there, along with their individual tendencies and preferences. Also hopefully - hopefully! - it makes you realize why we are so against any form of hating here at NotHatingJustSaying. The stakes are too high, hating is too evil, and frankly, the fate of the world hangs...whoops. We almost dropped a Hyperbolic Hate on you there for a second.

NOTE: This will now be a part of our Hating By-Laws, in case you ever need to reference it in the future.

IKEA

2008-04-16T09:24:00.002-04:00

I’m not hating, but IKEA is the worst store on the planet. Seriously, have you ever been in there? It’s a gigantic warehouse full of the shittiest furniture you have ever seen. Not only does the furniture suck, but it comes in pieces in a box. About 90% of the time, the box actually makes a better table than the collection of scrapwood inside of it.

Ikea, you are such a hater for that shit. There are all of these other reputable mom-and-pop furniture shops that actually sell furniture that was made by people who are professionals at making furniture. While you hate on them, you also hate on us - with your clever yet devilish Imperialist Hate. This form of hate is exemplified in the way you undercut the market, and expand across Earth by enslaving me and anyone else who is bamboozled into purchasing a box from you that contains nothing but hard manual labor. I must admit that you guys are master haters. Wal-Mart gets all the Hating Props, because it pays people eighty cents a week to make its products (that's known as Nike Hating). But even that is eighty cents more than you pay us to go home, sit down on our living room floor, and then curse at the picture of what my TV stand is supposed to look like.

Then you make it worse by making it impossible for us to put it together with conventional tools! A Phillips head? Doesn’t work. Oh, maybe a wrench? Nope! Oh...how about a bent stick the size of my pinky? Bingo! Do you think we have a degree in civil engineering? Not because it takes a civil engineer to put the furniture together, but because you may need one to construct a building big enough to hold all of the extra pieces left over after we have supposedly completed the project you sold us.

What are we supposed to do with all of these extra pieces? Stick them up our asses? Having an allen wrench up my ass may actually be more comfortable than sitting in a chair I put together out of plywood I found in this box you sold me. Be honest, IKEA - are you a crackhead? No? You just sold me a couch for eight dollars. Don't try to tell me everything's cool.

But this isn’t the main reason you suck, Ikea. You really suck because somehow, you guys also sell hotdogs in your “furniture” store! Really, Ikea? You sell hotdogs!? Are you really selling us the shittiest furniture on Earth, then rubbing it in by metaphorically putting your dick in our faces!?

“Here is some low-quality furniture, now throw this in your mouth and shut the hell up” - Love, IKEA.

Well, I see right through you, IKEA, and there is definitely no love in anything that you do....hater. You shouldn't sell furniture, you should sell degrees in Hating, because that's definitely your real area of expertise. But even then, you'd probably just give the graduates a piece of stock paper, a quill, some ink, and a booklet on traditional mid-18th century-style handwriting. I’m not Hating Ikea, I’m just saying.

People Who Just Got Back From Another Country

2008-04-15T10:15:00.005-04:00

I'm not hating, but people who just got back from another country suck. Look, traveling is great and it is a wonderful way to learn new things and possibly change your own perspective on life. I fully endorse it and encourage everyone to do so, but when you get back home...shut the fuck up.

They never shut the fuck up about it. Nobody cares!!! No one cares how all the kids in Germany play soccer instead of basketball. First of all, no shit. Everyone knows that. Second of all, if I wanted to “experience” a random elementary school soccer game where the kids scream in a language I don’t understand, I could go to Germany myself, and I certainly wouldn't go with you.

People who get back from third world countries are the worst. You always want to tell us how they do everything better over there. "You know in Cambodia people don't watch TV all day, they go outside and commune with nature." Well dumbass, that’s because there are 6 TV's in Cambodia and only 2 of them work. And they’re not “communing with nature,” they’re digging a drainage ditch to make sure the sewage doesn’t flood house. They definitely do stuff differently but not necessarily better, they do everything to survive, just like me and you. But it is really hard for them; especially when you are there to visit.

You visited a random country for a week and I’m supposed to listen to you like you’re a fucking scholar? Who gave you the deep understanding of the ethnic relations in North Africa? The cab driver who spoke three words of English or the waiter at the restaurant who justifiably spit in your food?

Please tell more about your “humanitarian” efforts that you so graciously pulled off for the poor people in some really broke countries that don't want anything to do with you. Oh really? You gave some kid on the street a skittle!? And he was so thankful that he let you take his picture? Someone call the Pope – we have a new saint! You can be the saint of telling people shit they don't care about.

Can you please relate everything that is going on around you back here in the states to something that happened on your monumental trip overseas? Everyone is interested to see how this bartender "so reminds you of this Australian dude that you met traveling in Fiji." You suck and I think I can speak on behalf of everyone that has to listen to you spew your useless knowledge - we all wish you contracted malaria while you were visiting Oprah's school in South Africa. I'm not hating people who just got back from another country, I'm just saying.

SPECIAL EDITION HATE: People That Think We Are White

2008-04-14T11:43:00.029-04:00

I'm not hating on Gawker.com, because you are my kind of people. In fact, I just want to tell you guys how awesome you are! And what a phenomenal job of researching our site that you did for your latest post that referenced us!

Now, I know what you readers are thinking. You're thinking, "How can you possibly say that? Even though the original article was actually really cool of them, didn't you see what that follow-up post said about you over the weekend??"

My answer to you is yes, I did. And I loved it! You see, I'm Bryson Turner - the only white guy who is in any way involved with this blog. So when I saw that Gawker.com referenced our blog in a post this weekend- about the influx of 'StuffWhitePeopleLike'-esque blogs that have shown up since SWPL first blew up a few months ago - I was ecstatic! But it wasn't just because of the publicity that we received. No no no. For me, what was really cool was that they described us in the following context:

"First there was the blog 'Stuff White People Like.' And then a bunch of white people were all, 'But what kind of white people?' Then the Jews came and they liked stuff too. And more whites came who didn't like anything - not even Mythbusters!"

There is, as they say, one small problem with this description of our site (other than that they implied that we hate things, which of course we don't).

No, there was one other small problem. And that would be...we're not white.

But that's why I'm not hating on gawker! Because my whole life, as a white guy, I've expected to have shit handed to me, and if less-important or less-worthy people did a lot of the work (like, say, black people) then I still feel that I deserve to get all the credit and glory (and money. But I figure that's pretty much an automatic). Thank God Gawker agrees!! They're not going to let a few hurdles get in their way of assuming that this blog is written by a bunch of white dudes! After all, it's a pseudo-intelligent, collegiate-level, read-between-the-lines, tongue-in-cheek, snarky, too-clever-for-its-own-good blog - and only whites are intelligent enough to pull that off!!! Good call, Gawker!

A lot of people wouldn't have still assumed whites write this blog after they saw that two of the three dudes pictured at the top of our site were...well...black. But you guys are passionate, and dodged those bullets with ease! You probably assumed they had ghost-writers doing the actual work for them, since without help, their posts would always be late, and they'd probably just revolve around how they hate the limitations that were put on Welfare during the Clinton administration.

Whoa! What am I saying!? Black people don't follow politics!!!

I also love that it was assumed that only "whites" wrote this blog, despite the fact that the blog is called "Not Hating Just Saying." How long has 'hating' been a white construct? Is that a term we came up with? I mean, I'll admit that we steal pretty much anything that other races have that we decide is cool (known as a Yoink Hate), and then claim it as our own. But that seems like a quick turnaround, even for an eager-to-oppress white male like myself. Personally, I think that if it was a bunch of white guys that wrote this blog, it would be called "I honestly don't have a problem with that, but can we please at least sit down and talk about this for a minute?" or, "Hey guys, I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but this is something that's going to become a recurring issue if we don't nip it in the bud."

You guys would not be deterred, though. You insisted on referencing our site as one that is written by "whites", either without ever looking at the site, or perhaps by having some sort of subconscious, 'human ice-cream sandwich' types of thoughts about the two black people who "claim" to "write" our "blog."

It is because of this willful and inevitably brushed-aside-as-not-a-big-deal slight that I get all the credit for this blog! Just like everything else in life - as it should be - I have been given undue praise for something that is mostly achieved by others. Wow...I feel like a plantation owner that just got told I make great cotton. Yes, I do! And it's alllllll because of me!!! Thanks, Gawker! We're completely on the same page!!

I'm not hating, I'm just saying.

NHJB

Black Men with Mohawks

2008-04-14T08:40:00.000-04:00

I’m not hating on Black Men with Mohawks, but why do all of them have to be so fucking cool?

Oh, what’s that, Seaton? You want one too? Too bad you can’t get one. Why? Cause you got a job. Good luck with all that responsibility.

But I want one, fellas.

Ok, you can have one. I’ll tell you how.

How?

Stop being a bitch!

Fuck you Mohawk muthafuckas. I want one too. I want to walk into a room and be looked at. You know how safe a Mohawk-wearing black dude looks? There’s no way you’re gonna mix up the Mohawk guy with the guy that just robbed the quickee-mart. I don’t care how racist or foreign or how many liqour stores you own in the ghetto. If you know anything, you know that there is a clear cut negro with a Mohawk in the pork grind section not committing any crimes.

This Mr. T renaissance is passing me by and it don’t make any sense to me. I was good with the flat top, even when Kid made the eraser head shit hot. Who cares? I was like ten and it didn’t matter - I stuck to my priniciples. Don’t put no fade on that, just cut it clean. Does anybody remember fades? I miss those, too. I had a fade. I had a Brooklyn. I had a shag by accident once.

But I can’t jump on this fad. Why? Cause my office job doesn’t allow it. So fuck you, Black Mohawk guy. Not everyone can be a fucking DJ in a RAVE. Not everyone can be a bike messenger. Not everyone can live off their parents' money. Fuck you rich bastards and your trust funds! Who said money doesn't bring you happiness? It brings you mohawks and confidence and cocaine. And if that isn't heaven, well then I don't want to be in Heaven.

And now Mohawks have fades! Fades! How the hell did we add soul to a Mohawk? How?!

How many things have black people taken and made cool? Countless, right? Almost every major sport. A shitload of instruments. And now Mohawks. And it's amazing cause you can’t plan for these things, you don’t know when it’s gonna happen, it just does. Which is the essential philosophy of every ebonic word ever made.

But we focus on the successes too much - what about some of the failures that black people couldn’t make cool? Isn’t there a country music rap group? Remember when Def Jam tried to blend horror films and hip hop? Do you remember when they made a hip hop version of Carmen with Beyonce? That was crap. You know it and I know it.

So go ahead fellas. I'm not gonna get in your way. You're just trying to express yourselves through your art. Fuck it, I'll express myself in my own way, i.e. paying my rent. I'm not hating on Black Men with Mohawks, I'm just saying.

HATER OF THE WEEK: RONALD SUSILO

2008-04-11T08:45:00.007-04:00

What? You don't know who that is? Well, that's because he plays badminton. So already, this dude is hating on everyone who plays an actual sport. He might become a gold medalist this summer, but we're giving him an even greater honor now - Hater of the Week. His hating is shattering the dreams of table tennis fans all over Singapore. If you haven't heard what happened, allow us to fill you in.

Ronald Susilo, who is a somewhat decent badminton player, is suing his ex-fiancé, Li Jiawei, who is the captain of Singapore's Olympic table tennis team. He wants to recover money for an apartment they once shared. This former power couple – they were like the Beckhams, but for all those shitty countries - must have had a messy break-up back in January, and Susilo held the hate until just the right time. It's what's known as a Sling-Shot Hate – when you have some hate to drop on someone, but you save it up until right when it will do the most damage.

So why now? Because - the Olympics are right around the corner! Li is poised to take home the coveted table tennis gold…and now you hit her with this shocking and disruptive news? This situation is like one of those shitty sports movies where the sports star gets his/her heart broken and they are unable to focus on the big game - like, for instance, Juwanna Mann. But Susilo won't let there be a happy ending to this story. He's too good a hater.

"Does he want to affect my chances of winning a medal or my moods?" Li asked, clearly taking out her frustrations by hating on the English language.

The answer is yes to both, Li…but mainly, he wants to ruin the reputation of Table Tennis. You see, Table Tennis isn't just a game in Singapore, son. It's a way of life - and Li is a table tennis superstar. Singapore needs her to win the gold. They don't have much going for them on the international stage. Sure, they got to cane the ass of a spoiled American, while America could do nothing but watch. But that was a long time ago, and that joy wears off after a while.

So why is Susilo purposefully stressing Li out before the Olympics? Clearly, because Susilo -- as a middle of the road Badminton player -- wants to tear down the Table Tennis establishment by any means necessary. Susilo not only wants to ruin his ex, but also to kill ping pong in Singapore as we (don't) know it. This is his attempt to finally put Badminton at the forefront of the Singapore sports hierarchy, with his Evil Genius Hate – which is when someone thinks of a plan that is incredibly and unnecessarily complicated in order to hate on someone on a worldwide stage.

This was calculated for years. That's why they broke up in the first place; he was insecure about his girl and the sport she played. Think about it: a Badminton ball(or whatever that thing is) is called a shuttlecock, while Li is hitting around ping pong balls. Clearly, he has an inferiority complex because she plays a game with "balls" while he chases around a "cock." The symbolism is clear, people – and Susilo knew that. That is why he executed this Insecure-Male-Hate (also known as a Porsche Hate).

His remedy? A nation-shaming – but effective - Insecure-Male-Hate hate, of course. He wants that apartment money, but more importantly, he wants his time in the sun with his shuttlecock in hand. With this masterfully choreographed hate, he can confidently say(hate) Mission Accomplished. Bravo, Ronald Susilo. We're not hating, we're just saying...that you really earned the title of Hater of the Week.

Stoplights That Never Switch to Blinking Red

2008-04-10T09:48:00.008-04:00

I'm not hating on Stoplights that never switch to blinking red, but honestly, are you that desperate to seem hard in front of your friends that you can't even let me proceed at my own "risk" when there isn't another car in sight? Are you gonna be that big a douche, stoplight? At this point, you're like the hall monitor in middle school that got drunk with power. Which is probably the only thing that you will ever be drunk on, because you're lame.

Valid point, stoplight. I don't drink, either. But I assume that's what all the cool kids do. I wasn't hating, I was just saying. Do you mind if we move forward? Oh...of course you do. You're a fucking stoplight. Well, I'm going to anyway.

Where was I? Oh yeah, trashing you for succumbing to peer pressure from your other stoplight friends.

No, wait. What am I saying!? We couldn't have 98 percent of all lights go to flashing after midnight! That'd be crazy!!! Because your town is just like New York City...right? Right, shitty new stoplight that doesn't need to be there in the first place? You guys are the city that never sleeps! Well, turns out your little "town" of thirty people just west of Bumfuck, South Dakota, or wherever you're from, is actually the city that's never woken up. I'm pretty sure the "magic stop sign" in your downtown district (remember? that's where you get your gingham) isn't going to put you on the map.

Also, please relay to the city council (for any questions regarding the local political structure, please refer to Seasons 1-3 of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman) that it was a nice touch to spring for the light without installing sensors so that the lights actually serve their purpose of saving people time. I'd hate for money to be spent wisely. That'd be stupid!

Oh, and I love the guilt-trip that I still somehow get when I consider driving through you. As if it would actually be a big deal to all the zero people who would be within six miles of such a heinous act. I can't tell you how many times I have suffered from a fear of Hate Paranoia - a crippling condition that occurs when I actually alter my actions based on the fear that what I'm about to do will get me hated on.

One time, I had to wait so long, that in order to save time, I turned around, went back home, and began trying to construct a time machine, so that I could go back in time to when there was still a stop sign - which, what do you know, worked just fucking fine - and drive through that. It took roughly 350 years to do, and you know what? It shaved about two minutes off the trip.

Oh, and just so you know - stoplights don't even exist in the future. There - that's some Marty McFly hate for you. That's a hate that you won't even realize for another hundred years. That's even more vicious than a Rip Van Winkle Hate, in which the Hate Delay is roughly twenty years. But then, I'm sure you know all about Hate Theory. After all, you're one of the best and most unnecessary haters around. I'm not hating on Stoplights That Never Switch to Blinking Red, I'm just saying.

People Who are Trying to Save the Pandas

2008-04-09T09:45:00.007-04:00

I'm not hating on people who are trying to save the pandas, but I don't think there's ever been a more irrational and undeserved attempt to save something. Anybody who has honestly ever lost sleep over a Panda should just jab themselves in the eyes with some bamboo that has been partially eaten by said Pandas - and that shouldn't be hard to find, because Pandas sit on their ass and eat bamboo for roughly 22 hours a day. The other two hours, I'm pretty sure they just focus on not fucking.

Look, I'm not hating on saving animals. Though I'll be honest, if Dodos were still around today, I'm pretty sure they'd be really fucking annoying. Imagine New York City with a bunch of 3-foot tall pigeons that can't fly, just walking around the city and asking you for change. I would think that would get pretty damn annoying.

Really? You don't think they could talk? No, I'll believe you - just go ahead and show me the tape. Oh, you don't have any tape of Dodos not talking? How convenient for you. Also, I'm pretty sure I saw a political cartoon in my 10th grade history class where a Dodo was saying something to Teddy Roosevelt. Do you honestly think someone would just make that up? I can tell you, as someone who does meticulous research for these posts - we don't just put anything on here. So unless you can prove otherwise, Dodos not only spoke, but they spoke with a hilariously high-brow British accent. And if you claim otherwise, you're just hating on facts.

Where were we? Oh yeah. Okay, Dodos are a bad example. They were like the Charlton Hestin of the animal kingdom - while I'm sure they did something cool before we were alive to see it, toward the end they were just annoying and were actually doing much more harm than good.

A better example are the whales. If we were shitting our pants about saving the whales, I could understand that, because we fucked the whales up pretty good. That one's on us. But I've never used Panda Oil. Have you? No. We're not even killing Pandas off. They're just too lazy to have sex. That's why they're going extinct. Because apparently, female pandas kind of look like dudes (http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/08/09/china.panda.reut/index.html).

Did you know that female pandas want to have sex three days a year. Three days a year!!! That's not a minor reproductive obstacle - that's a major evolutionary design flaw. Even Southern Baptists are like, "Okay, fine. Darwin has a point on that one." Did you know that some zoos have been showing Pandas porn to try to get them to have sex?

Panda porn. For real. Listen: if an animal's instincts are so shitty that it needs to be taught how to pro-create, then why would we ever feel bad for destroying them? You see that clip at the bottom of this post? I'm not hating on Panda's ability to survive...but that baby panda later died of a post-traumatic stress disorder.

Three days. A year. You want to know who else wants female pandas to go extinct? Male pandas. They're like, "Forget it, I'll fuck a koala. I don't care, I just need four days, at least."

Why don't you tree-huggers actually focus on saving something that actually deserves it, because Pandas aren't even close. They don't deserve our sympathy - humans don't do a damn thing to hurt Pandas, except get them fat on a steady diet of bamboo and concern. If they're gonna die, let 'em die (I actually don't know if that's accurate - we might make soccer balls out of them. I have no idea).

People who are trying to save the pandas should stop wasting their time and go apologize to a whale somewhere, because it's about time our giving-a-shit about pandas goes the way of the Dodo. I'm not hating, I'm just saying.

Office One-Liners

2008-04-08T10:05:00.000-04:00

I’m not hating, but Office one-liners are the most annoying thing next to someone scratching their knife on a plate. Another day another dollar, huh? I’m completely convinced that many of the office shootings are stemmed from one office one-liner too many. That and companies that block the internet for “work purposes only” - those bitches got to go.

Is it Friday yet?

Jesus, do I have to laugh everytime? Is that your goal? Or is it to fill the void of silence that represents the emptiness in your lives? You think maybe if you throw them one-liners out that maybe coupled with your drunken one-night stands with any man that will temporarily play your father figure, then you can get through one more hour playing with your minesweeper and IM-ing your friends about your Facebook pages.

Working hard or hardly working?

What do you want me to say? Seriously? Yes, I am actually hardly working as opposed to working hard.

Good one.

And no I don’t think it is Friday yet, but let me check the calendar again.

And I agree it IS another day, but I think I’m making more than a dollar I hope.

I wonder if this is some elitist way of speaking. Office speak. I wonder if other workplaces have their own phrases?

Slaves: You oppressed or you oppressing?
Prison Labor: Is it Friday yet? Cause I’m supposed to get raped then.
Illegal immigrants: Another day another…cheaper labor.

Would it be better if everyone just stopped trying so hard? Or if everyone just shut up? Or maybe if instead of trying to be funny we all just tried to be ourselves and be interesting through honesty. But if you work in an office, there is no way you can be interesting. So I guess there’s that.

TGIF!! Let’s go to HAPPY HOUR! Let's get outside of the office and really talk!

How’s was your weekend?
Did you see the game?
Is it raining?
Is it snowing?
How’s traffic?
Please kill me!

I’m not hating on Office one-liners. I’m just saying.

NHJS

People That Run Marathons

2008-04-07T10:22:00.010-04:00

I'm not hating, but people that run marathons are lame as hell. Now, I'm not talking about Olympic runners and Kenyans and shit - they are cool. Basically, because they win and they do it for a living. No, I'm talking about your girlfriend that ran the Boston Marathon last year because she thought it would be fun.

Fun!? You know how I know you suck? You think Marathons are "fun."

This is how these "fun" events work. First, you get to pay like $60 to $100 just for the opportunity to have a fun-filled morning. And when I say morning, I mean like 5AM to 9AM on a fucking Saturday. The only time you have fun at 5AM in the morning is if you're still up, you're still drunk, and you know in a little while you are about to go to sleep. That, coupled with the fact that you know that you won't have to wake up at a bullshit hour in the morning so that you can run until you feel like you're going to die. And you pay for this shit?

Now, there are those out there who say, "Hey, it's not necessarily fun to run a marathon, but I just wanted to see if I could do it." Ok fine, point taken, but you could do that shit for free, you don't need to pay somebody $60. Go run right now. In fact, just take off from wherever you are right now and never come back so we don't have to see your dumb ass ever again. You know who else just wanted to run? Forrest Gump...and you know what? You kind of remind me of him, especially when he was running and that guy handed him that rag with dog shit on it and he washed his face with it...you shitface.

It's not like you are even going to run with a bunch of cool people at these things, I mean they all think like you...and you suck. You are the type of person that wants to run a marthon so you can tell people that you are training for one and then after the race you tell people that you ran one. You think that is some cool shit to tell someone, even though seretely any non-marthon runner is thinking about what a jerk and a waste of space you are.

Seriously, have you ever been to a reeally broke ass country? Do you see people jogging? Probably not, but let's say on the off-chance that you do. Do you think they paid money to have the right to run? If you see someone running in a third-world country...you better run with them, because that means some shit is going down. That's probably why Kenyans are so good at marathons - they only have one speed when they're running: Stay Alive. Let's put it this way, there is no fucking Nicaraguan Marathon every year. And if there is, it's because some douche from Seattle or somewhere started one for him and all his friends to go to.

Not to mention that the people that run marathons are such terrible people that they try to mask their evilness through charity. There are a whole bunch of marathons that are for a cause, like raising money for cancer or some terminal illness that we haven't found a cure for yet. Now giving these charities money is a good thing, and these people need it because a lot of the people in need can no longer walk or run. But just give them the money! Don't make it so that in exchange for your donation, you make them watch you do something that they couldn't do in their wildest dreams! You are assholes for rubbing it in their faces! That's like giving a midget $20, but only after you make him watch you ride a roller coaster first. I'm not hating on people that run marathons, I'm just saying.

NHJJ

HATER OF THE WEEK - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

2008-04-04T08:36:00.001-04:00

After the new hating policy proposed by the NFL this week, our Hater of the Week goes to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. The man who spearheaded the “No Celebrating” rule after touchdowns now wants to add another Hate Rule to his hating rule: No long hair out the backs of helmets!

Wow. That kind of hate can throw you for a loop. That’s right, Roger - you get those damn kids...with their long hair, and their rock and roll music! That’s not even music, is it Roger? No - it’s just noise. Give me some Streisand any day.

I wonder, Goodell - you think you can bump some more of these fines up so that they become suspensions? Sure you can - you're the commish! You’re not a Halfway Hater, you’re a full on Hating Machine. It goes back to your playing days, don’t it? Wait, did you ever play? Nevermind - let’s just focus on your stellar hating. I mean he figured out a way for you to get a fine if your socks are pulled down. Your socks! That’s not even racist! That’s just sick.

You have to marvel at Goodell’s ingenuity at getting something like this started. I mean, common sense would dictate that you can’t just go out there and start arbitrarily suspending guys - no, you have to have things like “just cause.” But Roger, you ask, how can you have just cause if they don’t break the rules? Well, Roger would say, you have to create more rules so that they may break them easier. That’s just the American way! Create more laws so you have more of the people you want in prison. (google: Jim Crow Laws)

But let’s not get carried away. Goodell was genius in that he’s not just gonna arbitrarily throw out fines or suspensions on just ANYBODY. Players only. And players whom he deems a “problem.” Don’t mess with the coaches. That would be silly. Say if a coach happens to drive around at night naked and order cheeseburgers. He’s under stress. Or if a coach gets a DUI, then that’s just hazards of the game. Or if a coach is caught blatantly cheating, we need to sweep that under the rug, because “What’s done is done.” It’s in the past - right Goodell? Do a private investigation, then burn it. It worked wonderfully for President Nixon (oh wait, he should have burned his tapes).

No, we have to wait for the players to do what they do right, Roger? Let's not wait for the next player to be in a strip club, shooting people and making it rain. No. If we only punished players for stuff that's actually bad, what fun would that be??

Celebrating in the endzone too much? Fine.

Having droopy socks? Fine.

Was he riding in a car late at night and got arrested for suspicion of DUI, even though the charges were later dropped? Too bad - suspension and cut from team.

But the beauty about Goodell is he doesn’t really make any money from the suspensions. He’s just doing it from the hate out of his heart. And he’s only been at it like 2 years! His predecessor was commissioner 12 years. Can you imagine how much hate Goodell can bring in 12 years? He might just implement internment camps for players who don’t use proper English in interviews. Come on dog! Wait, do I get a fine for typing niggardly?

All for the sake of the purity of the game! Back in the day when the game was good! The game it used to be…you know, between the segregation, and steroids, and massive cocaine, and crippled players, and lack of pensions or medical insurance for the former players who desperately need it. Yes! We need that game back!

I’m not hating on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, I’m just saying...that his irrational hating on players that don't do anything wrong makes him our Hater of the Week.

Diet Dr. Pepper

2008-04-03T08:01:00.016-04:00

I'm not hating, but Diet Dr. Pepper is the worst drink on the planet. And that includes those places in 3rd-world countries where the little kids of a village all bathe in the same pond that they then drink out of.

Oh, come on, it's not that bad, right? Wrong. Because while other drinks may taste terrible, at least they don't hate. The viciousness with which Diet Dr. Pepper hates on regular Dr. Pepper leaves a worse taste in my mouth than any cheap, bitter, college-party beer could ever hope to achieve.

On its website, Diet Dr. Pepper claims that it "offers the same bold taste of regular Dr. Pepper minus the calories." Really? Then why the FUCK would anyone ever buy regular Dr. Pepper? Can you believe that hate? And these guys are brothers of the soda industry! Diet Dr. Pepper is completely selling out its older, more-deserving brother in order to trick people into buying it instead of regular Dr. Pepper. I'm telling you, this is a downright Biblical Hate - when a hate is so vicious that it was prophesized in the Bible. They might as well put fur on the outside of the bottles of Diet Dr. Pepper and claim that it's the firstborn to their blind father. Am I right? Right guys??

Really? Not a lot of Jacob and Esau historians read this blog? Damn it.

Look, Diet Dr. Pepper. You can't go around just claiming that you're something you're not. "Because with Diet Dr. Pepper, there's nothing 'diet' about it." Yeah, except the giant fucking DIET on your label. Stop it, DDP. You're in denial. And you're tearing the family apart with your lies.

Coke, Pepsi, and Root Beer need to have an intervention. Because this isn't just hurting Diet Dr. Pepper's reputation. It's killing Dr. Pepper's self-esteem. Dr. Pepper's been around since 1885, when they started bottling it in Bumfuck, Texas, or wherever it first came from. 125 years, son! And for the first 120, it was happy just being itself. But now, all of a sudden, Dr. Pepper is doing anything it can to be liked again. It came out with a Berries n' Cream Dr. Pepper, then a Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. It's not even enough to be its own flavor anymore. It's new claim is that it's "made with an authentic blend of 23 flavors." Umm....do you mean ingredients? What does that even mean, Dr. Pepper? I'm pretty sure every product is a combination of the "flavors" of all its ingredients. Listen, I'm pretty sure you're one flavor - Dr. Pepper flavored.

Dr. Pepper, I like your flavor! I know this is turning into a middle-school PSA, but don't be afraid to be yourself! I'm just worried that next month I'm gonna see a 6-pack of Dr. P. that says "New Dr. Pepper - now it smokes!" Dr. Pepper, I like you just the way you are. You're special to me.

Oh, and Diet Dr. Pepper? Yeah, it still tastes like shit. Dr. Pepper? Delicious. Diet Dr. Pepper? The single worst beverage - and maybe the biggest hater - in beverage history. I hope you get in a horrific car accident with Moxie and Tab, and none of you are ever seen again. I'm not hating, I'm just saying.

Hipsters

2008-04-02T10:30:00.000-04:00

I’m not hating, but hipsters suck - they are a waste of space. You guys are some of the biggest haters in your own right, and that’s why I hate you. Your whole goal in life is to hate on stuff that everyone else likes and then love stuff that everyone else hates. This isn’t just because you were born different and you just happen to like different stuff. This is because you were such a clown growing up that you were forced to find the shit that nobody else wants and call it your own.

Let’s say the world is like a big pack of wolves, which it basically is. You all would be the lowest dog on the hierarchy. You pick up the scraps after everyone is done with them already. The thing is you have been doing this shit for so long, that you are able to pretend that you like it! You guys take everyone’s trash and love it. Maybe you should be called dumpsters instead of hipsters.

Here is a perfect example: thrift store clothes. The stuff you are buying (overpriced, I might add) from a thrift store(or vintage) was shit that was hot 20 years ago, but you rationalize it by saying “it’s ironic.” You just picked up the scraps of some guy who is now 30 but wore that stuff when he was 17…oh wait you are 30 also. High school hipsters I get, but old hipsters? There ain’t shit hip about a 45 year-old in skinny jeans. Why don’t you just go to the kids you hated in high school's old houses and raid their childhood closets? That way you can wear the very clothes of those that were such “jerks” to you in high school. How is that shit for ironic?

There is one thing I have to give you guys credit for because this is truly one of the strangest phenomenons I’ve ever seen. It is your ability to infiltrate a neighborhood and plant the seed of a pretentious gentrification bomb. Now I believe - and I’ll have to check the hater records - but I believe you guys may have taken over as the top gentrifyers on earth. I guess that makes sense because no one really wants to be around you, so you go places where people will just ignore you if they can. As far as hipster, you are always left alone, no one wants to deal with you.

Case in point, hipsters open up a bar right in the middle of a historically Black or Hispanic neighborhood, yet the music, the beer, and the atmosphere are soooo shitty that not one person actually from that neighborhood wants to set foot in the establishment! How the fuck did you all do that? I know that the music of some asshole from Iceland no one has ever heard of and the scent of PBR is enough to keep most people away, but not one local!? People avoid you like the plague, I guess they don’t want any of your fake apathy to rub off on them.

Fake apathy? Yes, you know what I am talking about hipsters, so don’t even deny it. The type of apathy where you say stuff like “I don’t care man, it doesn’t even matter what I wear,” even though you actively seek out the lamest (ironic) shit that you can find so you can put yourself on display out in some sort of hipster establishment. I’m sure you don’t give a shit, even though your skinny jeans ran you like $170, and your nondescript hoody, which looks like it is cheap but it is actually from American Apparel so it ran you a little over $120. Yea, it’s pretty clear you don’t give a shit.

Just like when your band plays in some shithole bar, you don’t care that only 8 people are there, because if there were any more people you would feel "too mainstream" anyway. Don’t you worry about being "too mainstream.” I’m pretty sure your concerts that consist of you with a laptop just full of animal noises and snare isn’t going to catch on anytime soon. I’m not hating hipsters, I’m just saying.

GUEST SAYER(HATER) - CHARLIE WILLSON

2008-04-01T10:17:00.009-04:00

Charlie Willson is a reader and friend of the Not Hating Just Saying crew. He is an accomplished writer and has blessed us by giving his own review of our site! here is what he had to say:

I’m not hating, but this blog sucks. Thanks for reminding us over and over again that you’re “not hating, just saying.” I especially love when you write your posts as if you are actually conversing with an ESPN television show like it can really hear you. It’s even more hilarious when you address Price is Right contestants, as if they, or any other people, are actually reading this crap.

But seriously, sarcasm is one of the highest forms of comedy. Especially when accompanied by exclamation points!!! And sentence fragments … and the words fuck and shit.

Thanks for using academic-sounding terms like “King Solomon” hate. If I were hating – but I’m not, I’m just saying – this post would be the “taste of one’s own medicine” hate or the “extended attempt at meta-humor” hate. I also love the convoluted metaphors you use. How about this one: If there were a undergrad class on saying what sucks about this blog, I’d be the TA teaching your section, and you’d be in the back of the class playing Tetris on your Gameboy and thinking about your next post.

Also, I want to applaud you for getting the scoop on exciting topics like the Louisiana Purchase. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and check your blog to re-read your mind-blowing expressions of “say-tred.” I had never thought about how bicycles go slower than cars, or how liberal white people are smug! What will you tell me next? That there’s been a proliferation of boring blogs?

Your next target of non-hate should be the annoying hipster-ironic fake vintage shirts you are wearing in those “candid” photos across the top of the site. Tecmo Bowl Champion? Tony the Tiger in Japanese? And a shirt that says Palm Springs in ‘80s-style lettering? Wow, these guys MUST be clever!

And thanks for alerting us to the fact that there’s a white guy, a black guy, and a mixed guy writing this blog. That’s great. It’s just too bad this isn’t a sitcom, or a Martin Lawrence movie.

Oh, and congratulations on having fifteen readers – just because your counter says 300 visitors doesn’t mean that many people have actually visited. The counter probably counts all the times you three get on the site to check and see if the counter has changed.

I’m not hating on this blog, I’m just saying … that this blog kinda sucks.

NOTE FROM NOT HATING JUST SAYING: Charlie did write this, and we feel as though he was doing a lot more than "Just Saying." Therefore we refuse to believe that someone really feels this way about our absolutely amazing blog - this must be his idea of some sort of joke. Nice try, Charlie, but no way anyone doesn't think we're sweet. Especially not someone as awesome as you!!! You're the coolest!!!!! Oh wait...APRIL FOOLS!!!!!!

Mythbusters

2008-03-31T10:00:00.001-04:00

I’m not hating, but Mythbusters is the dumbest show on TV. I mean the concept sounds cool. Hey, you want to know if Mentos really makes coke shoot up in the sky? Actually yes, I do...does it? Just answer the fucking question - that show doesn’t need to be an hour. I don’t want to know how you did some mathematical equation to figure out the rate at which it explodes. Who gives a shit?

I don’t even want to see you actually make it explode on TV. That show could be like one of those NBC “The More You Know…” public service announcements. Just have Michael J. Fox in a studio say, “You ever wanted to know if Mentos really makes coke shoot up in the air? Well, it does.” Shooting star across the screen, and Bam! Show over.

Is that show going to get cancelled soon? I don’t remember there being that many myths. Was there someone really asking if the shit that happened with the shark in Jaws was real? Really? Have you ever seen Jaws before? That shark eats ships, son!

That's not a myth, that's just bull shit. Whoever the guy was who asked that question doesn’t deserve to have his question answered, because that is a stupid question. I could write an entry just hating on that dude's question, but I won’t even give him the time of day.

I don’t even know if I believe anything those dudes are telling me, either. One of them wears a beret EVERY SINGLE DAY. Everyday! Are you serious? You are not in the military, you are not an artist, and you are not a mime. Although, I wish you were a mime so you would shut the hell up. Oh hey, I have a myth! I heard that the dude in the beret is still a virgin. Myth confirmed. I already knew the answer! It’s true, I’m sure of it. I didn’t even have to do any science to figure it out. I just looked at the dude. Here, I’ll do another myth. I heard that you all think I am hating. Myth Busted. I’m not hating…I’m just saying.

HATER OF THE WEEK - BIGFOOT

2008-03-28T09:27:00.015-04:00

This week’s subject for Hater of the Week is the legendary Bigfoot - or rather the obsessive bastards that won’t let go the Bigfoot legend. A huge mythical creature that looks like a really big orangutan that had a modestly successful sitcom in the late 80’s.

This creature is AGAIN in the paper after Gene R. Morrill, a creepy man in New Hampshire, claims to have been sexually assaulted by it when he was kid. That’s right everybody, he was taking the mythical dick.

We’ll get back to that in a second - let’s talk about the fact that Bigfoot is even still talked about. The creature sucks compared to other myths. The Greeks have a large, complicated network of mythical creatures with a hierarchy of power and crazy stories about how they’ve conducted and manipulated our lives for better or worse, depending on their often fickle but complicated emotional state. America? We have a fucking monkey that runs away from cameras in the woods.

Is this really why the terrorists hate us? Cause we’re boring AND corny at the same time?

But not this time, right Bigfoot? This time Bigfoot, you showed them. You said, “I ain’t no bitch who runs from cameras. Let me put my dick in a little boy?” Is that how you got your street cred back, Bigfoot?

But then you have to admire how much hate it took for Bigfoot to go this far, cause he was giving mythical creatures a bad name as a whole. Think about it - he was hating on the entire spectrum of mythical creatures with just one date rape drug put in that little boy scout canteen.

You think Lockness Monster is going around feeling up little boys in boats? No. The closest he can get is feeling on little schools of fish, which doesn’t even make sense.

You see Unicorns going around with sexual assault problems? Hell no! No little boy would ever fall for a nice little Unicorn. It’s a fucking Unicorn. It’s the girly-est of all magical creatures. And magical creatures are pretty fucking girly in general.

And Leprechauns have no chance! Cause unlike Bigfoot, when Leprechauns touch little boys...they are sent to jail, cause let’s be honest, it’s just a midget in a three piece and a hat.

But Bigfoot has one thing that Zeus and all those other (better) myths don't, and that's the claim that he was able to start a destructive pedophilia chain to lurk on all those bad little boys. Doesn't that have a nice ring to it? Bigfoot, the God of Pedophilia! The Greeks don't have that! Mainly because pedophilia was a widely accepted practice in those times...but let's not hold ourselves back with those details. Bigfoot has vision!

So cheers Bigfoot, not only are you one of the longest and stupidest of all myths, you now like to sing “Beat it” to little boys booties. We're not hating on you, Bigfoot...We're just saying that's what make you our Hater of the Week.

NHJS