Laws

I’m not hating on Laws, I’m just saying that sometimes, less is more.

Go ahead and watch this clip for a minute. It’s footage from a “flash mob” that took place last week when people protested at the Jefferson Memorial by dancing silently.

What were these people protesting, you ask?

Appropriately enough, they were protesting a law saying you can’t dance silently at national monuments.

I’m not hating on America, I’m just saying - aren’t we taking ourselves a little too seriously when we literally make it illegal to dance? I’m also not hating on Christians in the 1720s, I’m just saying I don’t want to adopt their lifestyle.

For everyone’s sake, let’s hope this gets appealed to a higher court, and the judge says this.

Come on, America. Doesn’t a law like that kind of devalue the entire concept of a system of rules that help bring order and justice to the citizens of a particular country?

I’m not hating on Laws, I’m just saying. And I’m not hating on this particular law...I’m just saying that there’s another protest at the Jefferson Memorial scheduled for this Saturday, June 4th, at noon. And if you’re in or around DC, you should go check it out.

NBA Finals

I’m not hating on the NBA Finals, I’m just saying that this is going to be the closest thing we’ve had to a race war since...well, since the last time a white athlete actually had a chance at winning something other than the Stanley Cup.

The Miami Heat and their “Big 3” - aka “The Heatles,” aka “A Group of Big Black Men that your grandmother would have been terrified of” - advanced to the NBA Finals last night after defeating the Chicago Bulls.

There, they will face the Dallas Mavericks, who are not particularly white, but white enough for white people to quietly root for them against the Heat. They have the best white player since Larry Bird - Dirk Nowitzki. They have a point guard that - although half-black - once called the cops because his wife was abusing him. So I’m pretty sure white people will count that as a tie-breaker. And their spark off the bench, J.J. Barea, was a part of one of the most racists-see-society-as-this-play-on-a-larger-scale moments in NBA history, which you can watch here.

So get ready, everybody! It’s going to be an intense couple of weeks across middle-America. I’m not hating on the NBA Finals, I’m just saying.

Hater of the Week - Harold Camping

I’m not hating Harold Camping, I’m just saying that he’s definitely our Hater of the Week.

This one really isn’t close. First, Mr. Camping (pictured to the right, listening to something his finger is saying) spent the past few months hating on all of society by telling us that May 21, 2011, was going to be The Day of Reckoning.

But really, that’s not enough to merit being Hater of the Week. If it was, there’d be a thousand bums on street corners right now waiting for their 7 days of fame.

No no no - what makes Harold a truly great Hater is that when he finally came out of hiding this week, what did he do? Did he admit that he was wrong? Did he acknowledge that his irresponsible and dangerous fear-mongering gave a black eye to all the people who aren’t assholes and try to live their best lives by following a particular religion respectfully? Did he admit that his ignorance caused serious harm, and that he’s partly responsible for innocent people being hurt or killed, including a woman in California slitting her daughters’ throats?

Did he admit that at 89 years old, maybe he’s a fucking idiot? Maybe he should be in a home somewhere, focusing less on why God isn’t showing up, and more on why his kids never do?

Not hating, of course. Just saying.

Did he admit any of that? Of course he didn’t! Instead, he explained that he’s still right about doomsday - he just did the math wrong.

Wow. Hating on math over random religious bullshit? Nice ‘Scopes Monkey Hate!’ Somebody’s been reading their Hater History Book!

He explained on his radio broadcast that God was a merciful God, and that’s why he chose not to subject the world to 5 months of hell on Earth. But October 21, 2011, is definitely when the world is coming to an end.

It’s been a while since anyone has pulled off this good of a 'Revelations Hate' - a Hate that is based on something that is going to happen, then keeps not happening, but the hater continues to hate in advance of something that is obviously never actually going to happen. Christians love using this hate, because they invented it (well, I doubt they invented it, but they probably systematically eliminated the group of people that did, and now claim it’s theirs).

Your prediction didn’t come true, Mr. Camping, but there is some good news: For the dangerous use of your 'Revelation Hate' and for bringing back the long-forgotten 'Scopes Monkey Hate' (aka Texas-Board-of-Education Hate), you are our Hater of the Week!

Congratulations! Now hurry up and die, you old piece of shit! Not hating, just saying!

Adorable Pandas

I’m not hating Adorable Pandas, I’m just saying they get way too many views on YouTube. Hey, guess what, I have a heckler video with almost a million views. That makes me pretty famous, right?

Wrong. In fact, I’m not even 1/100 as famous as this sneezing Pan-douche. Wow, one of you gets scared when the other one sneezes? Yeah, you’re a regular Abbott and Costello. Seriously, being one-eighth of your species wasn’t enough attention, you selfish soccer-ball-looking freaks? I’m not saying you overreacted, but they didn’t freak out that much when someone sneezed in Anne Frank’s attic. Not hating, just saying.

For real though, over 100 MILLION views!? Really? For a species we shouldn’t even care about? Seriously? More than 1 out of every 3 Americans has seen that video?

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “It’s gotta be less than 1 out of 3, because that’s just the number of views, and I’ve personally watched that at least 8 times myself. And I watched it 4 more times when I just clicked on it a second ago.”

Well then, I hope it makes you so happy that you go to a zoo to see live pandas, and then you see one sneeze live, and it makes you so happy that you have a heart attack. And then I hope the panda thinks your heart attack is actually you sneezing, and it gets so scared that it has a heart attack and it dies. And so I hope you end up spending all of eternity knowing that literally the last thing you did on Earth was kill the one thing you loved most.

Honestly, who thinks this is cute, anyway? I’m not hating on Adorable Pandas, I’m just saying.

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The Past Two-and-a-Half Years

I'm not hating on 2009-2011, but it hasn't been the most productive stretch for us. Not hating, just saying.