NBA Finals

I’m not hating on the NBA Finals, I’m just saying that this is going to be the closest thing we’ve had to a race war since...well, since the last time a white athlete actually had a chance at winning something other than the Stanley Cup.

The Miami Heat and their “Big 3” - aka “The Heatles,” aka “A Group of Big Black Men that your grandmother would have been terrified of” - advanced to the NBA Finals last night after defeating the Chicago Bulls.

There, they will face the Dallas Mavericks, who are not particularly white, but white enough for white people to quietly root for them against the Heat. They have the best white player since Larry Bird - Dirk Nowitzki. They have a point guard that - although half-black - once called the cops because his wife was abusing him. So I’m pretty sure white people will count that as a tie-breaker. And their spark off the bench, J.J. Barea, was a part of one of the most racists-see-society-as-this-play-on-a-larger-scale moments in NBA history, which you can watch here.

So get ready, everybody! It’s going to be an intense couple of weeks across middle-America. I’m not hating on the NBA Finals, I’m just saying.