NASA

I'm not hating on NASA, I'm just saying they chose an odd way of fighting global warming. You see, they've been spending nine years developing a satellite designed to measure carbon dioxide emissions in our atmosphere, which would supposedly help us prevent global warming from getting any worse. Tragically, however, the satellite malfunctioned a few minutes after launch and the debris landed in the ocean near Antarctica.

The good news is, NASA, that our economy is doing great right now. So there's really nothing better that we could have spent with the more than a quarter-billion dollars it took to build your little shat-ellite. Certainly not on further developing the electric car, or alternative energies, or anything like that.

But even if your intentions are noble, NASA, let's check the results: Apparently, your best idea to fight global warming is to send a half-billion-dollar, half-ton ball of flaming metal and fuel to Antarctica and have it explode and burn up on contact. Really, NASA? Really? The only way you could have fucked that up more is if you insulated the satellite with 100-dollar bills and bottles of Axe Body Spray (because I'm pretty sure that stuff is way more toxic than hairspray, which would have been the easier reference).

But this isn't a time to hate on Axe Body Spray and all of its snake-related, lack-of-masculinity-compensating products (though I'm sure its day is coming soon here at NHJS). No, today is your day to shine, NASA. Fighting global warming by literally warming the globe with your satellites? Nice work. If irony could combat global warming, you would have just saved the world. But it doesn't, and you didn't. Not hating, just saying.

Will.I.AM is famous?

I’m not hating on Will.i.am, but I’m sick of people saying there is no logical reason why he is famous. Are you people crazy? LOOK at the RESUME'. I can’t think of many words to describe it. Stellar is one. Magical is another. Funky Funky Fresh are three more.

He was in one of the most influential groups of the last 25 years of music, the Black Eyed Peas! Yeah that’s right. There’s a list. There was Sinatra, then Elvis, then the Beatles, Michael Jackson, and then, Black Eyed Peas. It feels right.

Do you know that feeling you have in your chest when the sun rises over the morning to start a new day, and for one moment in your sad life, you think that your past is erased and you’re free to conquer the world? There’s a word in a dictionary for that: it’s WILL.I.AM.

Bless him. His talent cannot be measured. And why try? This is Will fucking I fucking AM. Why would I waste my time trying to name a “song” he’s made? Why would I disrespect his image by trying to associate a “hit” to his name?

Fuck that, let’s be like that Coke commercial and skip the middle man (songs) and compare him to Bob Dylan. He has to be the next Bob Dylan. What would we do if we didn’t have another Bob Dylan that we can manufacture for commercial purposes so easily? Why, the world would be lost!

There are haters. They say absurd things like, “You don’t really like the Black Eyed Peas, you just like Fergie! The Black Eyed Peas without Fergie is the Pips without Gladys Knight, it doesn’t make sense. Why would you want to see a Pip CNN?" My answer to you haters: I didn't see a PIP make a hologram appearance with Anderson Cooper! So there!

Did you hear Will.i.am’s Obama song? Genius, right? Genius in its simplicity, just take his speech and take an old used beat, then have a bunch of stars lip-synch the speech. It felt right. And that’s how you become a genius, you go with what feels right. You let other people do the bulk of the work and you come in at the end and put your little signature on it. Then you wear the fliest hat ever. Have you seen his hats? He must be a genius with that stingy brimmed fedora!

Guess what he went to school for!? Just guess! Fashion. It makes sense, the way he’s walked that runway into America’s heart! You look fierce, Will! You’re an animal!

His biggest achievement is that he was interviewed as a hologram on CNN. Yeah, that’s right. And now he is being compared to Bob Dylan? How did we make that leap? Do you really care? Really? Not me buddy!

Some haters - like Lavar Burton - would say he was doing Hologram shit for years on Star Trek and nobody is wondering about him. Nobody is asking Lavar Burton his perspective on America, and he was in ROOTS! My answer? Where is his stingy brimmed fedora? Best go shopping Geordi La Forge.

I’m not hating on Will.I.AM being famous, I’m just saying.

A NHJS News Brief: The Economies of Hate

The Economy you finally got me. I was fine, I didn’t care before. I was out of your hateful grasp. It didn’t really scare me that folks were losing their jobs left and right. Folks were getting laid off. I still didn’t think you hated me economy. I thought well, you would never do something to me like that, so we are cool right? But now I am a little freaked out. According to CNN the economy is even too shitty for illegal immigrants. SO THEY ARE GOING HOME! What?! You mean to tell me that the economy is so bad that people are going back to countries that were so shitty in the first place that they decided they would have a better life in America? Where they would have to enter illegally and take super low pay jobs to survive and be looked upon by the government of that country as criminals but it was still better then living in their home country. Even with putting up with all of that bullshit it has finally gotten bad enough in America where even Illegal Immigrants would be better off somewhere else, anywhere else.



George W. I think you are actually smarter then I gave you credit for. You crafty yet twisted son of a bitch(sorry Barb, not hating), when you were in office, you always told us you would be able to handle the Illegal Immigrant issue we had here but I didn’t know you were going to do it like that! You actually got illegal immigrants to voluntarily leave the country. Many folks would consider you are hero for that, I consider you to be an evil genie. I may have wished at some point, that there was a compromise where illegal immigrants who were working could obtain citzenship if they wanted and we can all be happy, you said "what if I told you immigrants would actually want to return home voluntarily," I was like "I guess so if you can make that happen," you said "ok cool", but then you just dropped a monumental Evil Genie Hate.



That’s when you grant someone a wish but their lives end up being shittier then it was before the wish was granted as a direct result of fufilling the initial wish. If I were to wish for a million dollars, you would probably have the cops beat the shit out of me and as I lay unconscious clinging to life, Al Sharpton would sue the city, and I would get a million bucks out of it. Yea, thanks a lot asshole, thanks for everything.

MySpace and their Pedophile friends

I’m not hating on MySpace for finally kicking off 90,000 registered sex offenders, but what the hell took you so long?

How many Chris Hanson episodes where MySpace was mentioned was it gonna take for you to realize you had a problem? How many shout-outs by perverts being struggled to the ground by the police was gonna give you a hint?

I mean true, MySpace is known for its off-the-record, interoffice slogan: “Pussy is like blackjack - 16 and under, hit it. 17 and over, don't bother.” But you had to know that people outside your inner circle weren’t gonna get the “joke.”

Come on Tom, is that really your picture, or is that a picture of your nephew? Or is that a picture of you 30 years ago, cause it’s getting to the point where I’m wondering if Tom likes his grass on the new growth side if you know what I mean. I’m not calling Tom a pedophile but…wait I think I am.

If I was just walking down the street and witnessed a murder and don’t report it, I can go to jail, right? Now what if I build a popular room and in this room everybody can talk to everybody and a few little girls get raped - let's say...90,000 of them - wouldn’t I be in jail too cause I built the room and didn’t stop convicted sex offenders in there? And then wouldn’t I look stupid if out of the blue I make a big to-do and say, “Hey sex offenders! You can’t hang out here anymore! All of you, out!!” Wouldn’t you think I like little girls too? That’s right. So Tom fucks little boys. It makes sense.

And who was this “hero” who finally brought it up in a board meeting? Who finally raised his hand and said, “I mean, I love underage girls whose parents are out of town and take inappropriate pictures of themselves as profile pictures as much as the next guy, but don’t you think we got to do something here?” Then I would have loved to see Tom’s face, fresh from his daydream of SEXXYGIRL69696969, whose profile he looks up from and says, “I don’t touch little boys. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The room is quiet for a moment before our Hero says, “Um, I didn’t say you were, sir.”

Then Tom quickly responds, “You think I like little boys? Well I’ll show you. We’re banning every sex offender on MySpace. Today.”

I’m not hating on MySpace, I’m just saying.

NHJS Special Report: Someone Farted on Mars!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have just received word from NASA that they have found trace amounts of methane on Mars. DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?! Methane on Mars, yo. Someone farted on Mars. That means that there could be aliens and shit. Holy Shit. Alien life - well, like alien plant life. Or like an alien amoeba...or nothing.

So there is like water on Mars, right? Oh, you guys just found “Water-Ice” - which I am pretty sure is just ice. That’s cool, and small concentrations of salt? Oh okay, I didn’t know about the salt. So wait, what you are telling me is that there is possibly the lamest, most insignificant particle of life on Mars!? That lives off of Mars-flavored slushies and salt licks?...Or maybe there is just water-ice, salt, and farts, but no life on Mars? That’s a distinct possibility as well, correct?

Well NASA, that’s great. Hey, guess what I found? Now I know this sounds so crazy and I hope you are sitting down for this one, but…Someone’s mom found 2 unopened condoms that are 4 years old in her 16 year-old's nightstand. There is a possibility that he is having sex - the mother is pretty sure that he is. Even though her son is adolescently awkward as hell. There is no other evidence of actual intercourse taking place, given that her son hasn’t brought a girl to the house since his cousin visited 6 years ago. The trace amounts of Vaseline that she found leaves her convinced that he may have been using it as some sort of lubricant to assist in the act. There was also trace amounts of methane found in the room.

You see how I did that, NASA? NASA, please stop with your Mom Hate, where you hate by completely overreacting and jumping to conclusions about shit because you feel like you have to. Why don’t you get all crazy when something crazy actually happens? Like record an Alien farting on audio or something, and then come talk to me. Otherwise, just get out of my room!

Clearly, I'm Not Hating, Just Saying.

Comcast Porn Adventure

I’m not hating on Comcast, cause showing porn during the Super Bowl to ONLY Standard definition television users is bloody genius!

I mean how else are these people are going to get the hint that HDTV is the greatest achievement of the 21st century? HUH! How are you going to push these ignorant fucks who cling to their stone age analog television tubes when there is something so much more fulfilling out there? Comcast answered that question by telling each Arizona resident exactly what they think of their inability to change…If you don’t have HD, then you can go suck a dick!

RIGHT ON COMCAST! Finally somebody stood up for the struggle. Somebody finally looked at the blurry resolution fuming in the American people’s mind and said no more! Either you buy HD or you get anal raped by the pizza guy. That’s the message of 2009. And you know what? I got it loud and clear!

What are my thoughts? What do I think? Well I have to look deep in the mirror and find a resolution here, just like everyone else who lives in the SD world.

Ask yourself:
Do you like sports?
or
Do you like being strapped to a Diesel while a line of truckers have their way with you?

Do you like the clarity of a Blu-Ray disc?
or
Do you like doing it with a donkey to support your life as a fugitive in Mexico?

That’s what makes Comcast a genius! With one simple action they summed up our whole existence into such an easy visual aid. And yes Comcast, I AM aroused!


I’m not hating on Comcast, I’m just saying.

Hater Prodigy: The 8th Child

There is plenty to hate about the story from two weeks ago about the douchebag lady from California who had octuplets after she already had 6 kids from 5 pregnancies, all of which were the result of in vitro fertilization. However, we never hate here at NHJS. We only say. And so, we decided that rather than do the hating ourselves, we would instead celebrate the best and most promising hater we've seen in a long time - the 8th and final baby.

Hating this well, this early, is rare. Yet this Messiah-like Hater was hating long before he'd ever seen the light of his mother's greed. You see, no one - not his mom, not the doctors, no one - knew he existed until literally the minute he was born. All the best doctors in the world looked at x-rays of her womb and counted to 7. This dude gave them all a tutorial on undercover hating.

First of all, he hated on science by existing in the first place. When he was born, he weighed one and a half pounds. That's not supposed to happen. There shouldn't be a baby you can keep in your front pocket. This is real life, not 'The Indian in the Cupboard.'

He's also hating on his mom by forcing her to feed and rear another baby, though I doubt she sees this as hating. What she will agree is hating, though, is the fact that he refused to be discovered, thus postponing her publicity tour for having octuplets. If he had shown himself from the beginning, she'd already have two books out about how excited she is to go for 9 next time.

But most hilariously, he hated on the doctors. If you were one of those doctors that looked at her sonograms, how could you not feel shitty about yourself? How can actual doctors - "good" doctors - miscount the number of babies in a womb? Really. How!? Was one of this lady's fetuses also pregnant with its own child, and was also giving birth while being born? Maybe that was it - maybe it was like one of those Russian dolls, where smaller and smaller people keep coming out from inside each other. Maybe the doctor was like, "Congratulations, Miss Suselman, you're a mother!...um...and, also a grandmother."

If I was that doctor, I would have at least made something up to save some face. I'd have been like, "Alright, there's the seventh and last kid. Congrats, Miss--oh, shit. Hmm? Oh no, everything's fine (grabs 8th kid from womb). Yep, 7 kids...oh, but what's this behind your ear--ANOTHER BABY!!! How did he get back there!? Amazing!

I'm not hating, I'm just giving mad props to a kid who is - baby H, i.e. the Hater to be named Later. Do your thing, little buddy. Hate on your mom as much as you can - trust us, the rest of America is counting on you.

Chris Brown: The Barbershop Q&A

The following question-rant was posed by an imaginary barbershop employee, discussing the news that Chris Brown was arrested before the Grammys last night. The answer is from a celebrated Hate-ologist - John (me) - as I am getting my hair cut.

Question:

Wait. Chris Brown?! The little R&B singer dude? He beats women? Holy Shit! The day of the Grammys? Wait….okay, did he do it right before the Grammys or just get arrested before the Grammys? Wow, that morning? Okay shit, so Chris Brown laid his hands on a woman? Chris Brown?! Was it Rihanna?! Aren’t they dating? I swear to god, if he touched Rihanna I'll beat his ass myself! Oh, “she is well?” What does that mean? Isn't that kind of vague? She wasn’t at the Grammys either? What’s going on here? CHRIS BROWN?! And you say he was nominated for a Grammy with a song called “Take You Down?” That’s ironic, is it not? I don’t know? What’s irony? Who was he trying to take down? That girl he beat? So is he a hater then?

Answer:

To answer your questions, Chris Brown is clearly hating in a traditional sense, with a Caveman Hate by acting like a complete idiot and beating women. But we cannot overlook the blatant and damaging Self-Hate. He just pretty much pulled a Phelps. Do you think Doublemint Gum is going to keep him on as a spokesperson after this? Unless of course when they say “double your pleasure,” they mean 2 quick jabs to some girl's face. If they mean that, then yeah, they’ll keep him. The craziest thing is that the only folks who really liked Chris Brown were girls. I bet they don’t like him now that they know he might smack them.

What is particularly interesting about this case is that he is embarking upon a new form of hate. This can only really be described as an A-Bomb Hate, which is 3-fold, much like a pamphlet that unfolds to further explain his idiocy. An A-Bomb Hate is when you are a superpower in your particular field, but you bomb someone (hate on them), then you get caught dropping the A-Bomb on someone when you are not supposed to do that (hating on yourself). But then the radi-hation from the bomb effects people who weren’t even the target of the bomb (hating on your fans). You hated because you are so popular with so many people counting on you and looking up to you, that your action hates on everyone else that was ever a fan of you. Good thing I already (not) hated you, so I am completely immune to your radi-hation.

Also, I'm not hating, but why did you give me a flat-top? I don't want ironically shitty hair. I'm not Kanye West here.

M.I.A.'s Grammys Dress

I'm not hating on M.I.A.'s dress at the Grammys last night, I'm just saying that if you were ever curious what it would look like if Beeteljuice's suit fucked a clown suit and they had a suit-baby, now we know. (Worth watching all the way through, if only to see both of The Rock's attempts at jokes)

Hey M.I.A. - in the re-mix, don't worry about telling us you get high like planes - we know. I'm not saying that dress was inappropriate, but I now think that octuplets lady is a more responsible mom than you. I'm not saying that dress was too revealing, but at one point I actually saw part of your unborn child. I'm not saying your dress was embarrassing, but I would rather have gone with Chris Brown.

Look, pregnant women are beautiful, and when I get all the women pregnant that I choose to, I'll want them to feel like they are beautiful objects that I can point to as trophies. Why? Because I'm a gentleman, that's why. Still...that doesn't mean I want them wearing a dress that looks like the face of a frowning, blob-shaped cow. I never thought I'd say this, but you would have looked better in a bubble dress. Not hating, just saying.

(Runner-ups for things I'm not hating on from the Grammys: The Rock's writers...Whitney Houston's ability to speak...3-and-a-half-hour shows in general)


Not Hating program note: Octuplets lady Hate Update will be posted at 3 p.m. EST today.

HATER OF THE WEEK: A 25-WAY TIE

This week's Hater of the Week is our first ever 25-way tie. The award actually goes to all 25 of the stupid things you think that we wanted to know and therefore posted publicly on facebook.

I'm not sure what I'm more amazed at, actually - that you thought any of those things were interesting, or that I was somehow one of the 25 people you thought would be least disinterested by how lame you are.

And congrats to the all but 6 of you who filled it out "ironically," therefore allowing yourself the self-indulgence of doing exactly what every other loser on facebook is doing and still claiming that you're cooler than them.

Why don't we go ahead and get this out of the way:

__________

Dear Anybody Between 14 and 35,

I know you think that irony is a word that means "The thing that allows me to do whatever hypocritical shit I want and still be totally justified in making fun of everyone who does the same shit, because my Irony Shield deflects the reality that I'm the exact same as them," but actually that's not what the word means. The definition of irony I think you think you mean is "An outcome of events contrary to what was, or might have been, expected." So you think when you write 25 things, that you are being ironic, because who could have possibly thought that of all people, you would fall prey to this phenomenon. You're always the exception!! However, this "outcome of events" is actually exactly what I would have "expected," because you choose to be "ironic" roughly 98% of the time, which means that by definition, you are actually ironic about 2% of the time.

Do you understand the paradox here? If you're ironic all the time, it ceases - by the very definition of the word - to be ironic. It just becomes who you are. This is just food for thought the next time you have a minute while you're driving to your New Kids on the Block reunion tour or sitting down to watch a Saved by the Bell marathon, or if you're a dude jerking off to a picture of Ed Norton. You know, not because you're gay, but because it's "ironic."

You know what's ironic? The fact that I've just wasted this much time trying to explain a concept to the very people with the lowest chance of realizing that I mean you. You know what? Let me put it in terms you might be able to understand:

The Top 1 Things I Find Annoying About You:

1. Your existence.


Sincerely,
A concerned non-friend

__________

Look. I know it's hard to believe that none of us give a shit that you said "Pasketti" instead of "spaghetti" until you were 9. I know it's a blow to the old self-esteem that the math section of your SATs doesn't interest me. That's great that to this day, you've kept track of everything you've ever kissed - just add one more to the list, because you can kiss this "friendship" goodbye.

Listen. I know you think that 25 people really care about you. But in fact, your list of boredom actually makes everyone you thought was your friend want to be your friend less. Now that, my friends, is ironic.

Not hating, just saying...that this week's Hater of the Week is a 25-way tie.

Snuggies

I'm not hating, but Snuggies clearly are. First of all, what the hell is this?! And second of all, I don't need to tell you that Snuggies are hating on blankets. The Snuggie isn't fufilling any need. The blanket was never hard to use; if your blanket didn't cover you all the way, then all you had to do was find a bigger blanket. Sweaters and sweatshirts work as well, but it was always nice to curl up with a blanket. Now, everyone wants to curl up in a backwards coat that makes you look like you are in a cult.

That commercial is ridiculous. They show someone with a regular old nasty blanket trying to use their landline phone, but alas! The blanket makes it so you have to take your lazy-ass arms out from underneath the blanket to talk on it. Easy solution: get a cell phone like everyone else the past 20 years, and put it on speaker. How can you be so technologically advanced with your blanket game, but you're still sporting that Zach Morris-looking landline phone? It doesn't make any sense. And dammit, I don't trust it.

Hey prospective buyers of the Snuggie...let me ask you a question. When was the last time that blankets were handed out to strangers in mass quantities? Oh, maybe you don't remember? That's because anyone who received a blanket died weeks after getting it. Yeah...I'm pretty sure it was when settlers handed out small pox-infested blankets to Native Americans and basically wiped their race off the face of the Earth. Let's see if your little arm-holes protect you from genocide, because small pox ain't some shit you can wipe off with a ShamWow. So beware the Snuggie cult, is all I'm saying. Don't say we didn't warn you.

Not hating, just saving millions of lives.

Obama's Cabinet Picks

TAX [taks] - noun

1. a sum of money demanded by a government for its support or for specific facilities or services, levied upon incomes, property, sales, etc.

2. a burdensome charge, obligation, duty, or demand.

______________________________________________


Oh hey, sorry if you already knew that. I'm not hating, I'm just saying there's a chance that one of Obama's cabinet picks might be reading this, so I'd better put it on here.

Look, I'm not hating on Obama's cabinet picks, but could it turn out that at least one of you actually pays your taxes? Just ONE?? Is that too much to ask? Hopefully Obama's next pick for Commerce Secretary has his shit together. Who did he go with? Willie Nelson? Damn it.

Look, Barack, I totally understand what you're doing here. This is just your way of reaching across the aisle. Republicans said some nasty things about you in the weeks leading up to the election, calling you a socialist and saying you were going to raise taxes on the rich. Well, you heard those cries, and so now you're not only not raising taxes on the rich, you've actually stopped caring whether or not they pay them at all. And you're strategically choosing all the rich people that don't pay their taxes and putting them in your cabinet, so that everyone can see how bi-partisan you are.

Your intentions are noble, President Obama. But, as unifying a gesture as that is...it probably isn't what the country needs right now. We could probably use that extra money your cabinet isn't paying so that said cabinet doesn't have to help push a bill charging American taxpayers (all us non-cabinet folk) 900 billion dollars.

I'm not hating, just saying.

Michael Phelps

I'm not hating on Michael Phelps, I'm just saying that there's no way I'm ever going to smoke weed with him.

In case you haven't heard, there was a bit of controversy this weekend over a photo that turned up of Phelps taking a hit from a bong.

So, who was Phelps hating on, you ask? Was it his sponsors, for having to support him after his second drug-related hiccup (he got caught drunk-driving four years ago)? Was he hating on all the kids who look up to him and thought he'd never do drugs? Or maybe he was hating on those involved with "My Victory," which is the program that he voluntarily agreed to support that encourages keeping competitive sports free of any and all drugs?

No. Michael Phelps is a hater all right, but he's not hating on any of them. He's hating on the people he was smoking with.

This man is not only a world-class athlete, but a lot of people believe he has the largest lungs in the world. This dude can swim 50 meters in one breath - imagine how much of your weed he can take on a single hit. Do you understand how frustrating that would be? It'd be like getting high in a circle and sitting next to a hot air balloon. It's mind-boggling. Are you kidding me? Can you imagine him passing you the bong after him? "Hey...Mike...I hate to point fingers...but there's no bong anymore. Did you literally suck the entire glass bong into your lungs, dude?" This dude was on a diet of 12,000 calories a day. What do you think that translates to in ounces?

I'm not hating on Michael Phelps, I'm just saying that I bet that dude is the most selfish weed-smoker, ever.

Are the Steelers Haters? Argument and Rebuttal

There are often times here at NHJS where we do have small disagreements. Like, we still argue over such topics as "When does a Hate Delay become a Rip Van Winkle Hate?" Or "Is there any time when hating is not actually hating?" These philosophical discussions are something that we hope will never end. It is these discussions that foster the growth in hateology that we have been seeking for almost a year now. It is at these times when the greatest questions are challenged - and sometimes answered. With that eternal search for knowledge in mind, we present to you:

Are the Steelers Haters? Argument and Rebbutal."

Bryson's Argument:

I'm not hating on The Steelers, I'm just saying that...well, here's the thing: I don't know what I'm saying. That's why the Steelers are haters.

This is a rare case in which someone is hating by not hating. You see, I am a huge - HUGE - Pittsburgh Steelers fan. In fact, I am obsessed with pretty much all sports. I used to follow Pete Sampras' career intensely, for God's sake. I would watch or read anything and everything that had to do with sports. Do you know who Norm Duke is? No, of course you don't. He's a PBA Hall of Famer. Professional Bowling Association. He's no Parker Bohn III, and certainly no Walter Ray Williams, Jr., but he's had a solid career.

I've watched WNBA games.

Sports was my life. Unhealthily so. I was letting sports control my life more than anything that actually had anything to do with my own life. Which is why I hit rock bottom last May, and decided that I needed to do something drastic: I needed to quit sports, cold turkey. For one year, I agreed that I wouldn't watch a single episode of Sportscenter or any other sports show, I wouldn't make one trip to ESPN.com or any other sports site, and I wouldn't watch one sporting event. Not one. No matter what.

That night, I decided what the worst downsides were. I was going to miss the NBA Finals, during a year when it might be Kobe vs. LeBron, or Lakers-Celtics. I was going to miss all of the Olympics. I would miss the World Series and the NHL Finals. I would miss the NFL Season, which would be tough, but I felt like I could do it.

There was really only one fear I had, one event that - if it were to end up happening - it would pretty much destroy my soul to miss it. It would be the one thing that I couldn't imagine missing. But really, I told myself...what were the odds of the Steelers playing in the Super Bowl?

Looking back, I think I knew, deep down, when I overheard someone at work saying that Brady was out for the year. I think that happened like Week 4 or something - it was pretty early, I remember. I think, somehow, I just kind of knew. It was too perfect. All of a sudden it just made too much sense. It would be too ironic. As I'd hear through the grapevine that we were doing well, I think, somehow, I knew all along.

I went to check my e-mail three Sundays ago, and a Yahoo update told me that we had beaten San Diego, thanks in large part to us being rested. Two Sundays ago, on my way to a show that evening, a friend from Pittsburgh texted me, saying that I had picked a shitty year to not watch sports. I knew what she meant: it meant that as I wrote this post this morning, I still wouldn't know who won the Super Bowl last night.

Yep. That's right. It's Monday morning, 7:26 a.m. in Austin, Texas, and I have no idea what happened last night. Did the Steelers win? The Cardinals? Was it a good game? Did Hines Ward do something amazing? Did Larry Fitzgerald? Did Kurt Warner and his senior citizen wife get to celebrate again? Are people talking about Ben Roethlisberger as one of the potentially all-time greats? (was he even good this year? I honestly don't know.)

Did he get hurt? Did Byron Leftwich step in and become the hero (very possible)? Did Matt Leinart (absolutely impossible)? Was it a blowout? Was it a good game? Were the commercials funny? Did Whisenhunt beat us with a trick play? Did we sneak one in on him?

Who won? For the love of God, who won?

I don't know. It's the day after the big game, and I am writing this blog, and I don't know. I'll find out soon enough. But this was the sacrifice I was looking for when I made the decision. I wanted my happiness or my sadness to be based on my life and my achievements. If I celebrate, I want it to be for the cool shit that I'm doing. I want to have earned it.

So today, I'm celebrating. And I've earned it. As far as giving up sports goes, last night was my Super Bowl. It just happened to be everyone else's, too.

So congrats, to both the Steelers and the Cardinals, no matter who won last night. But especially to the Steelers - and especially if you sons of bitches won - because you guys playing in the Super Bowl this year was pretty much the best hate that I've ever had happen to me.

Go Steelers.

p.s. I've never watched a whole WNBA game. But I have seen the games as I flipped through channels. That's all I meant by that.


John's Rebuttal:

Bryson, although we never hate, you may have come very close to hating on yourself. You see, I’m an Atlanta sports fan. This is a sad existence and I’ve known people to give up sports, but not because “They feel like it was dominating their life” but more because they were tired of seeing their teams suck. What you did was pretty much slap the face of every other sports fan of any other team in America. You think Detroit Lions fans think it’s cute that the one year you decided not to watch sports your team wins the Super Bowl? The thing is, you don’t even really care, because the Steelers have won like 7 of them and the Lions don’t even have Barry Sanders anymore. Oh and Bryson - I don’t know if you heard because of your self-imposed ban on sports, but the Lions didn’t win a single game this year. This is somehow probably your fault.

Do you know what you did? You should be ashamed of yourself. It’s basically like you left a hot girlfriend that's faithful and blows you constantly, even though everything was going well. You just “needed some time for yourself” and she was like “Fine then, asshole” and then the next thing you know you wake up and she is banging Lebron and just launched a successful new business that makes millions and you…are still you. How does that feel? The Steelers didn’t hate - they just moved on after you broke their heart.

Lastly, I would like to point out that you admitted to watching the WNBA. HA! I can't believe you watch that mess! But I bet you would like to know who won the championship while you were off in no sports La La Land...well, that’s too bad. I bet you are dying to know if Candice Parker’s college game carried over to the WNBA? Wouldn’t you like to know? Or if the Phoenix Mercury were able to repeat in 08'? Sorry, my lips are sealed! Or if the Indiana Fever are ever going to make it past the Conference Finals. Or if Lauren Jackson of the Seattle Storm got another MVP nod in 08'? Sorry man, I don't pay enough attention to the WNBA, but even if I did know I wouldn’t even tell you. So take that.