NHJS Special Report: Someone Farted on Mars!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have just received word from NASA that they have found trace amounts of methane on Mars. DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?! Methane on Mars, yo. Someone farted on Mars. That means that there could be aliens and shit. Holy Shit. Alien life - well, like alien plant life. Or like an alien amoeba...or nothing.

So there is like water on Mars, right? Oh, you guys just found “Water-Ice” - which I am pretty sure is just ice. That’s cool, and small concentrations of salt? Oh okay, I didn’t know about the salt. So wait, what you are telling me is that there is possibly the lamest, most insignificant particle of life on Mars!? That lives off of Mars-flavored slushies and salt licks?...Or maybe there is just water-ice, salt, and farts, but no life on Mars? That’s a distinct possibility as well, correct?

Well NASA, that’s great. Hey, guess what I found? Now I know this sounds so crazy and I hope you are sitting down for this one, but…Someone’s mom found 2 unopened condoms that are 4 years old in her 16 year-old's nightstand. There is a possibility that he is having sex - the mother is pretty sure that he is. Even though her son is adolescently awkward as hell. There is no other evidence of actual intercourse taking place, given that her son hasn’t brought a girl to the house since his cousin visited 6 years ago. The trace amounts of Vaseline that she found leaves her convinced that he may have been using it as some sort of lubricant to assist in the act. There was also trace amounts of methane found in the room.

You see how I did that, NASA? NASA, please stop with your Mom Hate, where you hate by completely overreacting and jumping to conclusions about shit because you feel like you have to. Why don’t you get all crazy when something crazy actually happens? Like record an Alien farting on audio or something, and then come talk to me. Otherwise, just get out of my room!

Clearly, I'm Not Hating, Just Saying.