NASA

I'm not hating on NASA, I'm just saying they chose an odd way of fighting global warming. You see, they've been spending nine years developing a satellite designed to measure carbon dioxide emissions in our atmosphere, which would supposedly help us prevent global warming from getting any worse. Tragically, however, the satellite malfunctioned a few minutes after launch and the debris landed in the ocean near Antarctica.

The good news is, NASA, that our economy is doing great right now. So there's really nothing better that we could have spent with the more than a quarter-billion dollars it took to build your little shat-ellite. Certainly not on further developing the electric car, or alternative energies, or anything like that.

But even if your intentions are noble, NASA, let's check the results: Apparently, your best idea to fight global warming is to send a half-billion-dollar, half-ton ball of flaming metal and fuel to Antarctica and have it explode and burn up on contact. Really, NASA? Really? The only way you could have fucked that up more is if you insulated the satellite with 100-dollar bills and bottles of Axe Body Spray (because I'm pretty sure that stuff is way more toxic than hairspray, which would have been the easier reference).

But this isn't a time to hate on Axe Body Spray and all of its snake-related, lack-of-masculinity-compensating products (though I'm sure its day is coming soon here at NHJS). No, today is your day to shine, NASA. Fighting global warming by literally warming the globe with your satellites? Nice work. If irony could combat global warming, you would have just saved the world. But it doesn't, and you didn't. Not hating, just saying.