Hater Prodigy: The 8th Child

There is plenty to hate about the story from two weeks ago about the douchebag lady from California who had octuplets after she already had 6 kids from 5 pregnancies, all of which were the result of in vitro fertilization. However, we never hate here at NHJS. We only say. And so, we decided that rather than do the hating ourselves, we would instead celebrate the best and most promising hater we've seen in a long time - the 8th and final baby.

Hating this well, this early, is rare. Yet this Messiah-like Hater was hating long before he'd ever seen the light of his mother's greed. You see, no one - not his mom, not the doctors, no one - knew he existed until literally the minute he was born. All the best doctors in the world looked at x-rays of her womb and counted to 7. This dude gave them all a tutorial on undercover hating.

First of all, he hated on science by existing in the first place. When he was born, he weighed one and a half pounds. That's not supposed to happen. There shouldn't be a baby you can keep in your front pocket. This is real life, not 'The Indian in the Cupboard.'

He's also hating on his mom by forcing her to feed and rear another baby, though I doubt she sees this as hating. What she will agree is hating, though, is the fact that he refused to be discovered, thus postponing her publicity tour for having octuplets. If he had shown himself from the beginning, she'd already have two books out about how excited she is to go for 9 next time.

But most hilariously, he hated on the doctors. If you were one of those doctors that looked at her sonograms, how could you not feel shitty about yourself? How can actual doctors - "good" doctors - miscount the number of babies in a womb? Really. How!? Was one of this lady's fetuses also pregnant with its own child, and was also giving birth while being born? Maybe that was it - maybe it was like one of those Russian dolls, where smaller and smaller people keep coming out from inside each other. Maybe the doctor was like, "Congratulations, Miss Suselman, you're a mother!...um...and, also a grandmother."

If I was that doctor, I would have at least made something up to save some face. I'd have been like, "Alright, there's the seventh and last kid. Congrats, Miss--oh, shit. Hmm? Oh no, everything's fine (grabs 8th kid from womb). Yep, 7 kids...oh, but what's this behind your ear--ANOTHER BABY!!! How did he get back there!? Amazing!

I'm not hating, I'm just giving mad props to a kid who is - baby H, i.e. the Hater to be named Later. Do your thing, little buddy. Hate on your mom as much as you can - trust us, the rest of America is counting on you.