Chris Brown: The Barbershop Q&A

The following question-rant was posed by an imaginary barbershop employee, discussing the news that Chris Brown was arrested before the Grammys last night. The answer is from a celebrated Hate-ologist - John (me) - as I am getting my hair cut.

Question:

Wait. Chris Brown?! The little R&B singer dude? He beats women? Holy Shit! The day of the Grammys? Wait….okay, did he do it right before the Grammys or just get arrested before the Grammys? Wow, that morning? Okay shit, so Chris Brown laid his hands on a woman? Chris Brown?! Was it Rihanna?! Aren’t they dating? I swear to god, if he touched Rihanna I'll beat his ass myself! Oh, “she is well?” What does that mean? Isn't that kind of vague? She wasn’t at the Grammys either? What’s going on here? CHRIS BROWN?! And you say he was nominated for a Grammy with a song called “Take You Down?” That’s ironic, is it not? I don’t know? What’s irony? Who was he trying to take down? That girl he beat? So is he a hater then?

Answer:

To answer your questions, Chris Brown is clearly hating in a traditional sense, with a Caveman Hate by acting like a complete idiot and beating women. But we cannot overlook the blatant and damaging Self-Hate. He just pretty much pulled a Phelps. Do you think Doublemint Gum is going to keep him on as a spokesperson after this? Unless of course when they say “double your pleasure,” they mean 2 quick jabs to some girl's face. If they mean that, then yeah, they’ll keep him. The craziest thing is that the only folks who really liked Chris Brown were girls. I bet they don’t like him now that they know he might smack them.

What is particularly interesting about this case is that he is embarking upon a new form of hate. This can only really be described as an A-Bomb Hate, which is 3-fold, much like a pamphlet that unfolds to further explain his idiocy. An A-Bomb Hate is when you are a superpower in your particular field, but you bomb someone (hate on them), then you get caught dropping the A-Bomb on someone when you are not supposed to do that (hating on yourself). But then the radi-hation from the bomb effects people who weren’t even the target of the bomb (hating on your fans). You hated because you are so popular with so many people counting on you and looking up to you, that your action hates on everyone else that was ever a fan of you. Good thing I already (not) hated you, so I am completely immune to your radi-hation.

Also, I'm not hating, but why did you give me a flat-top? I don't want ironically shitty hair. I'm not Kanye West here.