2009's first HATER OF THE WEEK: Governor Rod Blagojevich

Alright, seriously, where do we even start with this guy? We're talking about one of the most hilarious political haters of our generation, and we get to see his hating as it happens? I'm telling you, this is going to be in Hater Handbooks for years; enjoy the front-row seat.

First of all, there is the obvious hating of the constitution, which he did by trying to sell off Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat. Tapes suggest that he was actually thinking of appointing himself to the Senate seat if no one gave him a good enough offer. While this would have been a hilarious plot-twist if he were player/general manager of a double-A baseball team in a really shitty Disney movie, unfortunately, he's not. He's just a douchebag governor dropping an Eisenhower Hate on Democrats everywhere by coming off so ridiculously corrupted.

Then, there is the hating on Barack Obama, who has had to deal with this Blagojevich scandal instead of actually paying attention to other stuff like, for instance, the country's economy - which, if you haven't noticed, has been doing some hating of its own. Mostly on 401k's and hope.

And let's not forget his hating on the English language just by having his surname. Blagojevich? Online searches for him actually went down once the scandal broke, not because people didn't care, but because you're actually less likely to find a link to him when you're trying to. If you spell his name - correctly - into google, it says, "Did you mean....to write that in English?" I think when his parents got to Ellis Island, they had been playing scrabble on the way over, and his dad just wanted to get rid of all his letters. "Umm...Blagojevich. That's us." "But honey, our last name is Smith." "Noooo, it's Blagojevich: B-L-A-G-O-J-E-V-I-C-H. Blagojevich. Oh and uhh, triple word score."

Also, perhaps most shamefully, he's hating on Locks of Love. There was a documentary a few years ago called "King Corn" that talked about how the whole world could be fed with just the corn we make in Iowa alone! Instead, we just give it to our cattle and livestock or very inefficiently convert it into high-fructose corn syrup so that poor kids can get diabetes. It's a pretty awesome Apple Pie Hate, which is any hate that America has done to the rest of the world or its own citizens at one time or another because it just doesn't give a shit about anyone.

Where were we? Oh yes! Locks of love. You see, Locks of Love is an organization that allows people to donate their hair when they get it cut so that people with cancer can use it for wigs. Well, Governor B. is the Iowa corn of the hair industry - his bangs alone could provide hair to every cancer patient in the world ten times over. He's actually also hating on mullets by having a party in the back, but then also having a much, much larger party in the front. And the one in the front clearly has all the good coke.

So congratulations, Governor Gabawhatevervich - our hats are off to you! I mean, not because of the the honor, but because your hair literally attracts hats. It's like their mecca.

Oh...also the big "fuck you" to the rest of the political world by appointing Roland Burris as Obama's replacement despite no one wanting him to. But much moreso the hair.