Obama at the DNC

One of the most pressing issues at this year's Democratic National Convention - and the upcoming 2008 election - will be how Obama will handle the growing numbers of haters from around the country. One source high in the campaign, speaking on condition of don't-hate-on-me-by-releasing-my-name, was quoted as saying, “He will probably be slapping haters left and right. His hand will be covered with a messy hate-infected goo.”

America has seen a steep rise in hate during the last fiscal year, causing many Fortune 500 companies to lay off their employees. “Hating is an epidemic in the workplace right now. Work just isn’t getting done. I remember the day when you just hated within your own cubicle. Hating has gotten so bad it's bleeding into other departments. Accounting hates on Communications. HR hates on Graphic design. It’s chaos.”

Some Republicans have suggested that we should look into offshore drilling as a source of Hate relief. “Hating is like a pressure in your head. And to relieve that pressure, you have to drill a hole and let the spirits out,” said Hobo Joe, resident of an Exxon Mobile station in the Gulf of Mexico.

What will Obama do exactly? Will he push for a Not Hating Policy in the democratic congress? Seek out foreign aid in not hating, perhaps call on Canada, the most popular country historically when it comes to not hating? Some even speculated that he’d create a cabinet seat dedicated to not hating. Secretary of Not Hating.

Already, Obama has been fighting the haters with his special brand of "handshakes." If you watch carefully, he'll change the style of his handshake depending on the style of the person with whom he is shaking. "Brotha man" shake for the brother. "Gentleman" shake for the lady. "Alma mater" shake for the any older white man he passes. What Obama is doing is what's being labeled in inner circles as "Shaking off the haters."

Whatever Obama decides to do as a final solution, we can’t help but remember his famous words, “We all know there will always be haters out there, so all we can do is continue to not hate and just say. And we’ll keep an eye out for the haters.”

We can only hope his acceptance speech tonight is as inspiring. This has been a Not Hating Just Saying Special Report.

Update: When Hating Hurts

As we first reported back in April, Li Jiawei is a Singapore superstar and was on her way to the Beijing Olympics to lead the Singapore National Table Tennis Team. She was trying to persevere despite the uncalled-for hate she received from Ronald Susilo, her ex-fiancée. To catch up on that story we first reported on in April, click here.

The Singapore Women's Table Tennis Team was one of the favorites to win gold heading into these Olympics. Unfortunately, the team buckled without Jiawei able to lead, as she had to think about all of the apartment payments she needed to make to Susilo. Singapore sadly finished 2nd in the team competition portion. They were clearly rattled, as Li was probably going on and on in their locker room before the match, filling teammates' heads with tales of unrequited love and more cries for prenups than a Kanye West song, thus preventing them from focusing on the task at hand.

So Singapore only got the silver in the team competition. That sucks!! But surely Li Jiawei would be able to bring home some hardware in the individual competition, right?!

Wrong. The gold-medal favorite was reduced to a 4th place finish in Beijing and knocked out of medal contention. Damn, Susilo. Damn.

Susilo didn’t even make the trip to Beijing, but his hate flew first class. He laid what experts(us) refer to as a Dutch Oven Hate. This is when you commit a hate(fart), but the implications of that hate are not felt until later(unleash the covers). In this instance he farted in April, but contained the hate and then waited until during the Olympic Competition to unleash the covers. As if that shit isn’t bad enough - as if Susilo hadn’t done enough damage - there are reports coming out of Singapore that he is currently dating a chick that is hotter than Li and her name is……Kelly Poon. See for yourself, and try not to cry - I know this is a lot of hate to take in at once. Wow. Just imagine being Li: you have to come home empty-handed to your ex with his hands full - full of a woman whose actual name is "poon." We're not hating, we're just saying...that Ronald Susilo, you are truly are one of the most vindictive haters to ever walk the Earth. Not hating, just admiring.

Aspiring Rappers That Try To Sell Me Shit

I'm not hating Aspiring Rappers That Try to Sell Me Shit, but why don't you aspire to leave me alone. I know you have some new "hot tracks" that you put together. I also know that you are "taking it to the streets." But get the fuck off of my streets. Look, make your music and continue to do "big things" with your "crew" but I seriously don't want to hear that shit. No one does.

What makes you think it is a good idea? What about me makes you think I want to buy your shitty CD? Let me rephrase that: what makes you think I want to buy your CD while I am walking down the street? Did I leave my house in order to be approached by some dude who is selling me some of the self-proclaimed "illest lyrics" in the city? Am I wearing a shirt that says, "Please, someone walk up to me and sell me some of the shittiest, lowest-quality, and worst-produced music ever?" If I was, I would understand why you might think it was smart to walk up and ask for $5 for the coaster you are selling. Those shirts don't exist, but if you were smart you would go get some made and sell those instead of your CD entitled "The Truth" or "The Realest." The Realest shit ever is that you are hating on all of us who don't give a shit about you.

You are hating to even think that a person would waste their time and $5 to hate on their own ears by listening to that garbage. I would rather spend my 5 dollars on nothing. In fact, I would rather you punch me in my stomach and take $5 from me than for me to buy your CD and have to walk around with that piece of shit. I could take that 5 dollars, buy a Milli Vanilli cassette tape, set it on fire, put some mustard on it, eat it, shit it back out, wrap it in a dirty diaper, put it in a bag made out of shit, then write in shit on the bag "A pile of Milli Vanilli Shit on sale for $5," and I would still be selling a less shitty product than you are. You would think that is hating, but "The Truth" is I'd be doing you a favor by helping you to realize that it's time to get a desk job. Maybe your next album can be called "The Illest Receptionist" or "The Realest Real-Estate Agent."

I'm not hating on aspiring rappers that try to sell me shit, I'm just saying.

NHJJ

Further Silencing the Haters

There are a few more loose ends we must tie up before we can fully dive back into not hating, which will happen soon enough, we assure you. But before we do, there are still some topics that we feel need addressed in order to fully defend our honor. One of these highly volatile topics is the choice of shirts that the three of us are wearing in the banner picture at the top of this very page. We have been hated on countless times for our selection of attire, and it has not stopped - amazingly, even after our heroic return from exile - with a blogger named "ty" hating on us within the comments of even our most recent previous post.



Well, for ty and others, let us point out that you clearly didn't make it to our welcome back press conference. Because if you had, you would have seen that this exact topic came up. And when the question was first posed, we were admittedly - and justifiably - emotional about it, as evidenced by the following clip:




After such ignorant hating by such ignorant haters, we were understandably offended. After cooling down, however, we decided that the world should know the truth. That's why we gave a more in-depth response to the question, hopefully once and for all putting to rest the theory that we are tools because of the vintage-style, nostalgia-referencing shirts that we wear. And we're glad we did. Because we'll be honest - if it was anyone but us wearing those shirts, we'd be hating on them pretty hard. For the real reason that we wear the shirts we do, simply watch the following clip:




Hopefully, now that we are finally putting these lingering haters in their rightful place, we can get back to what we do best, which is some vicious not hating. Look for more of those traditional life-lessons and insights - and perhaps some more clips from our press-conference - throughout the rest of this week.

Answering the Critics: Why We Took Our Break

We're not hating on people who hated on us for taking our break. We're just saying...just saying that all truly great masters hope that one day, they will be outperformed by their pupils. When the three of us hatestorians decided that the world had a need for this site, we created it in the hopes that someday, its very own creation would eventually lead to its own obseletion. Someday, there would be no more hate to not hate on in this world, thanks to our not hating showing the haters how to not hate.



When we created this site, we had no aspirations of fame, or glory, or to be respected for our ability to not hate (which is pretty fucking astounding, and if you disagree, then you can rot in the fiery depths of hell - not hating, just saying). What we wanted to do was give the world a glimpse of how positive and supportive three people could be if they eliminated the hate from their lives. That's why we were so passionate about never displaying any forms of negativity on our site (though the Jews always seemed to want otherwise - not hating, just saying). We thought, after 41 unquestionably brilliant, hate-free posts, that we had shown our disciples the way, and that each would go out and preach to others, and then others, and that they would tell others, and others, until the world was rid, at long last, of hating - much like the plotline of the movie "Pay It Forward," in which the world was rid of believability and satisfied moviegoers.



Could we have stayed and just said more? Of course. But again, our dream is not of a great website. Our dream is of a revolution. One in which you, and I, and we, and us, and they, can say whatever they want, without being accused of hating. A world in which hipster douchebags can be called out; in which people who play kickball can be rightfully torn a new a-hole; a world in which anybody who has ever dressed up their pet can be slammed as the future cat-lady they are inevitably going to become. We're not hating, we're just saying.



Can we still lead the charge against hating? Yes. Of course. Did we miss hati-uhh, saying things about all the stuff we have thought was stupid during our hi-hatus? Unbelievably so. But this was about more than just us.



Our break was the ultimate experiment. We wanted to see what would happen if we let go of the reigns of the world's emotions, and let hate run free once again. We wanted to see if the lessons we had passed along would stay with our pupils, or if they would revert back to sinning and false idols, as they did when Charlton Hestin left his people in that shitty Moses movie, "Ten Things I Hate About You." (Little-known fact: that's actually what God calls The Ten Commandments)



Well friends, we have the results. And they're about as impressive as my grandmother and her Rascal scooter racing against Usain Bolt. In a word: shameful. The fact that the haters prevailed, however, was not the most saddening part for us. The true tragedy was seeing how quickly our students gave in to the temptation of hating. And not just on the haters, tragically enough, but some actually were so frustrated by the lack of direction that they turned their hate inward, toward us! This was something we had feared deeply. While some of you took the lessons taught and continued fighting the good fight, we believe a good many of our readers' feeling can be summed up by a comment left by pcl3385. It simply reads:



you guys suck.



Fair enough, pcl3385. We do suck. Or, rather, we did suck. But we are back, and happy to be just that. And hopefully, if we should ever be forced to leave our place on the front lines of the army of Not Haters, in this frail and fragile world of ours, then we will have set as good an example as we can for everyone else. And if you can't see that no matter what we do, we're doing it for your own good, then you might as well just cash in all your life savings, go to the local gas station, spend thousands of dollars on gas (or probably hundreds at most, since you're a worthless piece of trash that has no money, no friends, and no future), take that fuel to a local cute-but-injured-puppy shelter, then pour the gasoline all over yourself and the puppies, and after you knaw your own feet off so that you can't walk away if you try, go ahead and set the place ablaze, with you inside it. Then, while you slowly and painfully burn to death, watch as a crowd gathers outside, slowly pouring out of the broken-down buses that were carrying members of PETA to a cute-but-injured-puppy support rally, and each and every one of them sees all the cute-but-injured puppies helplessly and needlessly dying, and then looks at your pathetic, disgusting excuse for a face as you're also dying and says, "Good - it's worth it."



We're not hating, we're just saying.


Note: For those of you who don't like reading, we also held a press conference officially announcing our return to not hating. We'll be posting snippets from said conference over the next few weeks. Here is the first such clip, and thank you to the three journalists who showed up to hear our 7-hour prepared statement and participate in the two-minute question-and-answer session.

NHJS Special Report - The Summer Olympics

I’m not hating on the Summer Olympics, but I think I like them about as much as China likes ugly 7 year-old singers representing them during the opening ceremony. I respect these athletes as much as Russia respects Georgian ceasefires. I haven't seen something this shitty show up every four years since the last Star Wars prequel.

I really don't appreciate your deception, NBC. Every four years I always get so excited. I’m like "Ohhhh shit, The U.S. is about to win the gold! I can’t wait. Michael Phelps!! That guy named Gay on the Track Team!! Basketball! Boxing!" Seriously, I get hyped out of my mind.

Then the Olympics actually starts, and that’s right about the time when they start to suck. Somehow NBC had convinced me that watching this crap would be fun and exciting. I mean, "Michael Phelps is going to break Spitz’s records for number of gold medals!" That will be something to see! Then I quickly realize… that I'm watching a bunch of people swim. I don’t like watching people swim. Then I try to think about how historic it is, and look back at Spitz’s amazing feats in 1928 or whatever...but then I remember I never really gave a fuck about him, either.

I've learned a lot about the Olympics so far. I realized that fencing is stupid; rowing is…people rowing a boat; and I learned that they have an event for shooting shit, with guns...and people win medals for that. Why is Tiger Woods trying to teach inner-city kids how to golf? Half of them could already be winning gold medals. But guns are so violoent. Isn't there a firearm-free sport our kids can strive for?

Oh, wait - I forgot about Rhythmic gymnastics. Rhythmic Gymnastics is like watching 12 year-old girls play with ribbons and balls in a bathing suit. Actually, that's not what it’s like, that’s exactly what it is. That shit is not cool, nor should it ever be socially acceptable for a grown ass person to watch. Grown people that watch this are committing one of the most disdainful hates, known as the Creepy Uncle Hate. A Creepy Uncle Hate is when you do something only a Creepy Uncle would do - for example, watching rythmic gymnastics. In fact, the only way you could ever justify either of the last two sports is if you combined them. Have people with guns watch rhythmic gymnastics until they either shoot the gymnast or shoot themselves to end their own suffering. Whoever lasts the longest gets the gold, and whichever gymnast got shot first gets the gold, posthumously. That, I would watch. Are you listening, NBC?

I didn't expect to feel this way. I really thought the Olympics would make me realize that we were all just people and we should all get along. But then I saw people win gold medals for sitting on horses while they trot around.

You read that right - there is an event where horses trot around. I’m not even talking about the thing where the horses jump over the bars. I’m not even talking about horses galloping or running. I’m talking about the thing where people wear tuxedos and sit on a horse as it walks. Possibly around a Monopoly board? I'm not sure, I was too busy gouging my eyes out with the pointy end of the "Beijing 2008" flag I had regretfully purchased for 11 cents, or roughly one hour's pay of the child worker who made it.

You know what they call that horse trot shit!? Do you!? I just googled it - it’s called “Dressage.” Dressage!? They wear top hats, and I’m assuming some sort of monocle. Plus they wear some random pants that look like they were in style back in '88…1888. Look, I'm not saying this event is outdated, but I just checked the Wikipedia page on it - one of the qualifications for competing is you have to currently own slaves. Which probably explains why Germany won gold. I’m not hating on the Summer Olympics, I’m just saying.

HATE THINK TANK

Hello again, world. Many of you have wondered why we've taken such a long break. Some people have actually been hating the fact that we took a break at all. Basically, we hit a wall of hate and didn't know how to just say. And when we first made this site, we wanted - above all else - to make sure we didn't encourage or condone hating of any kind. Do you know what we mean? If you don't quite get it, then here: look at one of the last "think tank" sessions we had prior to our hi-hate-us, which we would often have in order to think of new things not to hate. It will perhaps give our readers a small glimpse into the fine line between hating and saying.

Warning: the derogatory remarks used here don't necessarily reflect the views of the Not Hating Just Saying blog or anyone associated with them.

Seaton: I was searching through netflix instant play catalog and guess what I found? Muthafucking AirWolf. Air Wolf son! AIRWOLF! Can't you hear the theme song in your head right now? AIRWOLF! What if I had a hate on the networks for canceling Airwolf? How silly would that be? "Yeah I'm saying. Sure I'm like 20 years late, but that don't make it right! Internment camps was 60 years ago, that don't make that one right."

Bryson: haha i have no idea what airwolf is. but yeah, definitely. the more irrational and unnecessary the hate, the better.

John: I don't know what that shit is either

Seaton: i'm ashamed of both of you. it's a FUCKING SUPER HELICOPTER! IN THE EIGHTIES! Remember the super helicopter in Rambo 3? it's more SUPER! Fuck it. It's decided. I'm writing a hate on the world for not knowing this show!


John: that's lame, you're lame. i didn't know you could blow a helicopter, but apparently you can

Bryson: have fun blowing your helicopter. you're a helosexual. and that's weird.

Seaton: hating. that's all there is in this world. Is just hating! you fucking hating bitches. I hate back.

John: I'm sorry but when you jerk off to air wolf, do you imagine you are in the helicopter, or just standing like on a helipad? how does that work? Pervert

Seaton: when you imagine my balls in your mouth do you make a helicopter sound?

John: When you imagine having sex with AirWolf...uh..the helicopter...Does AirWolf squirt oil all over your face? Unleaded?

Seaton: it's diesel. And when you're thinking about having your perverted dreams with my balls, do you imagine cooking me eggs afterward or do you want to cuddle? sensitive bitch!

John: When you are blowing AirWolf, what do you cup with your non-jerking hand? Also, while tossing AirWolf's salad, how do you avoid burning your lips while you have them so tightly wrapped around his exhaust pipe?

Bryson: is it possible to deepthroat a helicopter? how do you negotiate the blades? is it hotter for you if you blow it while it's running? Please, share with us your knowledge of H-jobs.

Seaton: i would love to but i'm on a tight schedule, and I know how you turn into a little bitch when people rush you to stick to deadlines.

Bryson: haha wow, taking it a different direction. trying to break john and i up with a wedge hate? sorry, we are united in our monkey in the middle hate of you right now. which reminds me - what if they made a series of movies about your helicopter boyfriend, just like they did with Air Bud. Would you blow the helicopter in the locker room before all its high school basketball games? or would you wait until after the game, beneath the bleachers? or would you give the helicopter cock a "halftime speech" of sorts?

Seaton: I would blow the helicopter as many times as you are late to something. so i guess that's everyday. No, I would let the helicopter teabag me as much as the times you'll say you'll be somewhere then come an hour later. I will give the helicopter a rusty trombone for every time you call, then come late, then once you get there zone out and leave early. And John likes to touch little boys. at the zoo.

John: Seaton you should start your own blog called "not hating, just blowing a cartoon helicopter until it spews its sweet sweet oil all over my face."

Bryson: Sorry, I would be on time everywhere Seaton, but it's tough when you have to walk places. If only I had a way to get myself places quicker. A helicopter would do it, for instance. But then, even if I knew where a helicopter was, how could i convince it to take me around everywhere? I'd have to do it a lot of favors. And I'd probably have to like it. But then, I don't do that type of thing. So sometimes I'm late. That's right - I may seem irresponsible, but actually it's just because I respect myself enough not to be some helicopter's bitch.

John: haha i don't know why this shit is so much fun to me, but it is. I guess because it is just hating, in its purest form no rationale at all.
And, scene.

(We'd like to point out that this was an actual conversation, had via e-mail, between the non-haters on this site, that has since been transcribed. Given that, it is clear that it is our destiny to not hate. And therefore, thanks in part to the tens of fans who have hounded us to once again post our hate for the world (except most of the media-oppressed East) to see, we will be back soon. That's right, fellow sayers -

NEW AND IMPROVED 'NOT HATING JUST SAYING' COMING SOON!