Ligers

I’m not hating, but Ligers are the lamest mutation animal I’ve ever seen. Think about it. If you were told that a fucking TIGER and LION joined forces and created a child, you would think this thing would be able to destroy the world with its force and power. Instead it’s just a funny-colored, sterile, multi-colored...thing.

It looks crazy - just look at it. It looks like a lion that fell in a makeup bucket, and then it came out looking like someone's auntie about ready to go to church. And you think a Lion would ever accept a Liger as a son? No, it’s bad enough it’s “mixed” - what do you think the neighborhood will think of the child that wears makeup? Not to mention, they're sterile! This should be some kind of a Bravo Original movie. "Liger: Mixed and Fixed."

How the hell do you hide in the jungle with all that color? You can’t sneak up on anything when you’re the rainbow. The rainbow doesn’t sneak, the rainbow sings.

Ligers must be depressed, and compensate by being kind of like the standup comedians of the Zoo. “Yeah, so I’m a half Tiger half Lion. That means I have good credit and a big dick. Liger please.”

And what’s messed up about it all are the shattered dreams of all those zookeepers who thought it would be a great idea to get these animals to bone in the first place. I know they were sitting around high-fiving each other when they saw that Lion mount that Tiger booty. What great things must have been in the marijuana-infused minds. Perhaps they imagined that this Liger would take flight and rid the world of evil. Or perhaps learn the languages of the world and become a prophet. I know they didn’t imagine that a Liger's only purpose in life was to just look stupid.

Let's revisit the fact that Ligers are sterile! What's the point of even breeding them? You are just creating enormous, frustrated, and angry animals that have no idea why they even exist! Judging by how they look, it seems as though all Ligers are basically the shitty parts of Lions and Tigers, mixed together to form a big, stupid-looking, and intellectually-challenged version of themselves. That's a recipe for disaster. Did anybody read Of Mice and Men? Remember how the big, strong, special guy killed the woman in the end? Don’t you think for one second that a Liger wouldn’t accidentally break your neck because he thinks your hair is pretty and he’s trying to rub it. Really hard.

I’m not hating on Ligers, I’m just saying.

Parents Who Brag About Their Kids' Grades on Bumper Stickers

I'm not hating on parents who brag about their kids' grades on bumper stickers, because that is definitely something worth shitting your pants about! Along with showing off how many times you've been to Hilton Head - or if you're white trash, the fact that you've visited 'Wall Drug' - your kids' grades are certainly worth pasting onto the back of your SUV.


Oh, and let me just tell you, thank God you put that on there! We were dying to know how he was handling Social Studies!!! Especially right after you cut me off in rush-hour traffic, and I was about to wish death upon your firstborn. At the last second, I knew not to, because he has a B-minus average at Nevergoingtocollegeanyway Middle School in Bumfuck, Louisiana, or wherever it is he goes to "get his learn on."


Listen. If your 7th grader can't dunk a basketball or isn't sleeping with his English teacher, then I'm sorry, I don't care. He or she is lame, period. And they're probably going to fail so bad at life that by the time they're forty, their biggest source of pride will be that they're son or daughter has a B-minus average in Economics at Perpetualpoverty Middle School in East Bumfuck, Louisiana, or wherever it is they'll have made their big move to.

Oh, and by the way - your kid sucks at soccer.

Okay, look. I know your kid has been a prodigy ever since she shit her pants when she was only an hour old (that's like two hours before most kids!!), but why don't you just shut the fuck up about your "miracle" for a minute, stop telling the world how great they are, and realize that all you did was create another worthless douche bag that's going to make the rest of us late to work because they don't realize that they can turn right on red.

In fact, they may have to make a few new bumper stickers thanks to your little Johnny. One can read, "Amazingly, my son actually isn't on the honor roll at his Middle School." That one's for you. They can also make one that says, "My son isn't on the honor roll at his Middle School. But I am."

That one's for him - because he can probably make the 8th grade honor roll, but by the time he does, he'll be 26 and own two cars of his own. Because I don't care what your bumper says - your kid sucks at life. And so do you. I'm not hating on parents who brag about their kids' grades on bumper stickers, I'm just saying.

People Who Are in Front of Me in Line

I’m not hating, but people that are in front of me in line are the most annoying people in the world. Why do you never have your shit ready when it is your turn in the front? A perfect example can be found when getting on a bus.

Now, ninety percent of you won't find this part funny, because you aren't poor enough to reduce yourself to the shameful experience of riding a public bus. So basically, fuck ninety percent of you. Have fun getting wherever you're going on time. I hear it's great.

Riding a bus sucks, but what really blows my mind are people getting on the bus without their bus pass ready! I mean, for real? You know the bus is coming! You are waiting at a BUS STOP! Did you think you had some sort of tab, like this was a general store in 1846? How can someone suck at getting onto a bus? Here's how lame you are: If you walked past Forrest Gump once you finally got on, he'd look at you and say "Seat's taken." If you tried to sit next to Rosa Parks in the back, she'd get up and go stand in the front.

Oh, and at the drug store! You're there waiting, just about ready to get to the front. I’m behind you thinking, “No bags? I wonder what he's getting?” You then proceed to grab some gum and shuffle around...for your debit card! For an 89-cent purchase? Honestly, I'd give you the money, but you'd probably then use it to pay your cell phone bill, so that the next time you're in line, you can take even longer and be even louder and even more annoying.

Look. Pretty much anyone who is in front of you in line is demonstrating a great example of a Paris Hilton Hate. This is when you actually don't do anything actively to hate, but the fact that you exist and act the way that you normally do...that alone is hating on anyone you have ever come in contact with. You're on a par with Paris Hilton. Congrats.

It’s honestly like you are all working together in this intricate conspiracy to make everyone but you and your crew of slow douches late for shit. I don’t even know how you all do it! I guess you guys have it all choreographed - one of you blocks an escalator down to the subway, listening to your Ipod, while everyone around you hopes someone mugs you and takes it. So I go ahead and rob you, but I get caught because one of your henchmen is blocking an exit with some kind of Fire Code Violation Hate. I have a friend rob a bank to cover my bail, but he can't because one of you takes so long filling out your cashier's check that he doesn't have time. I then convince a friend to send a mail bomb to the bank out of revenge, but sure enough, one of you A-holes is at the Post Office and has a package that needs special wrapping, so he gets tired of waiting and just goes home. I get so frustrated that you have ruined my attempts to destroy you that I hope that I get a death sentence so that I can just die. I do in fact get sentenced to death, but in an incredibly ironic twist of fate, I stay alive for decades because one of you douche bags is right in front of me on death row, and it gets brought to a standstill by your dozens of appeals.

I’m not hating on people who are in front of me in line, I’m just saying.

NHJJ

HATER OF THE WEEK: JAPANESE SCIENTISTS

Now, normally we would never want to put Japanese Scientists in a low light. I mean, they've produced every mechanical/electronic wonder that has brought unparalleled joy to all our lives. Their cars don’t break, their anime' is top notch, their Nintendos got us through the 80’s, and their lasers helped us kill Godzilla.

But when they come out with a study that says menstrual cycle blood can cure heart disease, we can’t help but to declare them our Haters of the Week! (see: article)

What makes this hate so thorough is our unrelenting faith in the Japanese. Call me racist, but if a Japanese guy approaches me spitting knowledge of science, sushi, or breakdancing, you’re gonna bet that I will not question a damn thing he or she says.

So you want me to take period blood every day? I sure will, Dr. Lee.

What Japanese Scientists have done is called "Voodoo Hate." This is where they hate on a disease-ridden patient by putting the most vile things on or around him. Other objects for “cures” would be urine, baby spit-up, or the balls of any nearby animal or homeless man.

Now this is actually a double hate on society. Cause not only does a doctor have to look a person square in their face and say that they are going to make them take cycle blood, but then there is a woman out there who’s going to start buying a lot of jars for that winter storage, if you know what I mean. Do you know what I mean? Cause that’s nasty.

Can you imagine the process of storage? I bet you it’s like that scene in the beginning of Ghostbusters where Egon tells Bill Murray to collect slime off the bookshelves, and Bill is disgusted cause it’s getting all over his hands. I know periods aren’t slimy, but so what? You telling me you would be less disgusted if Slimer turned into a period blood ghost going around curing heart disease? Then you’re a freak. Get away from me.

I don’t know much, but I know now more than ever that I need to start eating my vegetables. I need to develop an exercise routine. I need aerobics. Whole grain. Oats. Fiber! I’m cutting cholesterol out of my diet completely. No fatty foods. Fuck you, fried chicken! Cause I don’t want there to ever be a day when my doctor sits down in front of me, clipboard in hand, looking down in shame, an odd fishy smell in the air, and tells me that because of my clogged arteries, he’s gonna put me on a menstrual smoothie diet.

I’m not hating, I’m just saying...that Japanese Scientists are the Haters of the Week.

People who find this site by google searching odd shit

I'm not hating, but people who find this site by google searching odd shit are just weird. Some of you may not know this, but with our site tracker, we are able to see(sometimes) what people searched to find our site. Most of the time we can't see anything - like 90% of the time the listing comes up as "unknown" - but there are a precious few of you that we are able to see exactly what you googled that led you to our site. Admittedly, that's a mild hate by us, I'm not going to lie. I suppose it would be some kind of Patriot Act Hate, where your privacy is invaded a little bit, but hey, you clicked on us! So we don't feel too bad about it. Below are a few of our favorites, with analysis.


"guy with red and black Mohawk" – This introduced a new reader to Seaton's Black Guys with Mohawks Post. I'm not really sure what to think about this. Who is this mysterious man with a red and black Mohawk?


"why do black people run so good?" – This linked a reader to Seaton's White people who try to teach black people about black culture post. Now this one is particularly perplexing - first of all, this is a vicious hate on grammar known by Hate-ologists as a Teach For America Hate. But more importantly it is a traditional hate called racism. I don't know what this person was actually looking for, maybe he was going to find a Ku Klux Klan "academic" study on the subject.

"I want to fuck li jawei" – This one linked to our HATER OF THE WEEK: RONALD SUSILO post. Now, apparently this person thought that google was actually a wishing well. Or maybe he felt bad and thought that whatever you typed into google was actually read by priests and this was some sort of confessional. Either way, I would like to point out the insensitive nature of this question. She just got out of a really bad relationship and is still dealing with a lot of baggage. Not to mention she has the Olympics coming up, you jerk. You are no better than Ronald.


"How can we save the pandas?" – This one linked to Bryson's People who want to save Pandas post. This is one of my favorite posts because unknowingly, this person just hated on themselves. We call this a Mine Field Hate - you are walking along minding your own business and then bam! You hate all over yourself. This person was searching for answers. They wanted to know how to save the animal that can't save itself. But all they found was a dissertation on why they suck. Now of course, Bryson wasn't hating…he was just saying, but damn it must have hurt.


"Why do people run marathons?" – This one linked to John's People who run marathons post. This one could really be a variety of things, either this person was delighted to find someone who was wondering the same thing, and took it as an opportunity to hate(say) on it, or they just really wanted to know. They just were wondering "why do people do that? Should I be doing that?" If that's so, then that makes you even dumber than the people who run them.

"What are the best marathons to run?" – Also linked to John's People who run marathons post. Similar to the "How can we save the pandas" search, this person self-hated with a Mine Field hate. Would it be hating to say that that is hilarious…no because it is. Hate Validation!


"Why do white people still hate on black people?" – This one linked to Seaton's White people who try to teach black people about black culture post. Now this is kind of just a good question. Not really google search appropriate, but maybe he should ask a history professor. This question of hate is out of our realm of expertise.


"Why they be hatin on me im saying" – I can't remember which post this linked to, but it could have been any one of them. This is just a tough question. Not enough information. Who are they? What kind of hate? Imperialist Hate? McCarthy Hate? What is it? If I had to guess why anyone would hate on you in any way, it would probably have something to do with your complete lack of common sense, grammar, and question marks. I hope that helps, dude.


"If pandas go extinct will bamboo die to" – This one linked to Bryson's People who want to save Pandas post. This one is the best, it leaves me speechless.


"Won the lottery" – This one linked to John's People who win the lottery post. This one basically verifies that what I was saying in that post was true. This was a Self-Hate Fulfilling Prophecy, if you will. Because I am pretty sure the first thing you do when you win the lottery is just type in "won the lottery" in google. Did you think google was a text messaging device? "I'm just going to google all my friends to let them know I'm paid!"


"Seriously, Hasselhoff, you're on a show called 'America's Got Talent!' right now. That's like Helen Keller judging on a show called 'America's Got Senses" – This is just weird. I don't know if they found our site, saw this exact quote, and were doing some kind of analogy check with google. Or they actually thought of this on their own and thought google was some kind of punchline rating device and wanted to see where this little burn stands on a worldwide scale. No one really knows.


These were just a few of the good ones. Seriously, people of the world you are geniuses. I'm not hating people who find this site by google searching odd shit, we're just saying.

"Celebrities" on Reality Shows

I'm not hating on "Celebrities" on reality shows, but they are the saddest examples of humans on earth. In a way, just by making us feel bad for you, you're hating on all of us. Your Pity Hate is not appreciated. Your existence is solely to entertain us with how sorry your life is compared to ours - know your role.

Do you know what Vanilla Ice's real name is? Robert Matthew Van Winkle. Van Winkle, son. Van Winkle!! Really, dude? Did you honestly expect to have that good a life with a last name like "Van Winkle?"

(Important Note: This blog takes no prisoners. You will not find many people who have the balls to go after people like Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer. But we are intimidated by no one. If we lose those contacts, so be it.)

Honestly, why do we care about what any of you are up to twenty years after we barely gave a shit about you in the first place? Oh, you're fat now? Can we watch you not lose weight and struggle with addiction that was brought on by your lack of success since you had a bit role on 'Family Matters'? We would all love that.

The only thing worse than having washed up celebrities compete in reality shows is having them judge them. Since when is David Hasselhoff an expert on talent? Did you really learn that much from studying Yasmine Bleeth? Honestly, David, I know that album you dropped in the early 90's was a huge hit in Germany (not a joke), but I don't know if that makes you an industry "expert." Your song making it to number 1 on the German charts (again, not a joke) is the single worst collective decision that Germans have made in the past hundred...well, let's just say sixty-three years.

Seriously, Hasselhoff, you're on a show called "America's Got Talent!" right now. That's like Helen Keller judging on a show called "America's Got Senses!" Why the fuck are you involved with that show? The only reality show you should be involved with is one in which they do a study to find out how someone can have such disgusting chest hair. Your chest hair is actually outgoing. No, I mean literally. It has its own personality traits, and it's an extrovert. It likes meeting people.


I'm actually pretty sure that 75% of all food that's been sent back at restaurants since 1978, Hasslhoff's chest hair has had something to do with it. In fact, I have the stats to back it up.

Despite all that, now somehow you're a judge on some show about American talent? Unless shaking someone's hand with your chest hair is a talent, I'm pretty you have none. How can the talentless judge the talentless? Calling the kettle talentless, aren't we?

We should have a new reality show where we see which former pseudo-celebrity that has appeared on a reality show can die first. I might actually tune in to that one, because I'd love to see them all die slow - no wait, quick - painful deaths. I'm not hating, I'm just saying.

Women Who Say They Play Video Games

I'm not hating on girls who say they play video games, but no, you don't.


Wait! What am I saying!? How dare I not give you credit for the two hours of Mario Kart that you played while you were a freshman in college!!! That makes you an expert of the video game world, right!?


Wrong. Look, ladies. I'm gonna go ahead and issue a blanket statement: If a video game allows you to play as a princess, as opposed to saving her, that no longer oficially counts as a video game.


Wait! Now I'm really talking crazy!! I'm being totally unfair to you guys!!! I'm forgetting the half-hour that you played of Sonic the Hedgehog when you were nine! Remember that game? It was the one with the rings. You enjoyed it, because you got to collect rings! Yay!!! But then you quit because you couldn't figure out how work up enough spin to break through that wall. Remember? I know, it was really tough, I know.


What's that?? You play video games now!? Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry!! I forgot about that intense video game where you raise puppies by feeding them imaginary hamburgers, and that other game, where you have to feed that fish by pressing one button once. I have so much more respect for your gaming abilities now!


What's that? Wow, you keep interrupting, but I'm glad you are, because you keep bringing up such great and valid points. Oh, I see - you really do play video games, because you spend a ton of time playing Sims. You have an entire family going, huh? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Happily married, huh? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. He's a firefighter? Uh-huh. Two dogs!? Uh-huh. Wow, that's really, really great.


Hey listen, I just thought of another rule: Any video game in which the characters lead a more boring life than the loser that's actually playing it - that no longer counts as a video game. If there aren't zombies of some kind, or a war of some kind, or time travel of some kind, or multiple types of guns and cars and gangs, or there isn't a fat football announcer that says "Boom!" on the front of the box, then that doesn't count as a video game. I'm sure making two people succeed in having a casual conversation is huge news in Bumfuck, Mississippi, or wherever you live, but everywhere else on the planet, that's boring as shit.


Really though, ladies, your video games are great. I hear they're coming out with a new one called "Staying Alive" where every time you play, you focus on having your character do nothing. It gets really intense around level 5, I read. Oh, and then the new one that Nintendo is keeping under wraps is the blockbuster title "Breathing." I hear it's even more fun with that new Wii controller.


Time for a heart to heart, ladies: You don't play video games. I know you think you do. And that's great. But no, you don't. Look. If you've never been playing a video game one night, gotten into it, and then been like, "Why did they turn on so many lights outside? Oh wait, it's morning," then I'm sorry, you don't play video games. If you've never gotten a blister on your finger from playing video games, and yet you continued to play through that pain as if you were being tortured at Guantanamo Bay, then I'm sorry, you don't play video games. If you've never legitimately cared about the strength, stamina, and general health of one of your characters more than your own, then I'm sorry, you don't play video games. Frankly, if you've ever felt productive or worthwhile, or if you've felt like you're contributing to society positively in any way, then I'm sorry, you don't play video games.


And I know this one may seem unfair to you, but if you have a vagina, then I'm sorry, you don't play video games. Hey, I don't make the rules. But I know the rules. And those are the rules.


I'm not hating on women who play video games. Because there aren't any. I'm not hating on women who say they play video games, I'm just saying.




Note: This is a video game --------->

HATER OF THE WEEK: CINDY MCCAIN

We're not hating, but there is nothing like some good old-fashioned, home-cooked hate! Especially if it's a nice family recipe passed down from generation to generation - you can't fake the love in those home recipes! Just ask Cindy McCain, this week's Hater of the Week. Word just got out that they took down the feature on presidential candidate John McCain's website in which his wife - Cindy McCain - posted some of her favorite "original" family recipes. Not because they were just too delicious for people to handle, but because she stole them directly from the Food Network and everyone's favorite food celebrity, Rachael Ray. She is clearly hating!

Before I go on; a lot of people may say "Hey, if you are going to talk semi-politics, shouldn't Obama be the hater of the week for calling people bitter?" Well, the fact that people are bitter at him for saying that people are bitter, by definition, makes it not hating. If you receive Hate Validation - which he clearly did in this case - then technically it's not hating…it's just saying. That is the very thing we encourage on this site.

Anyway, Cindy claimed that these were her home recipes! Some of "Cindy's Recipes" were ahi tuna and passion fruit mousse….passion fruit mousse? Who the fuck has a HOME recipe for passion fruit mousse? Other than maybe some white trash dude in Montana who makes it with actual Moose meat and just sucks at spelling.

No, but seriously, I think we all remember Sunday afternoons when mom would throw a great meal together with that ahi tuna we had lying around the house and then whip up some passion fruit mousse for dessert. Cindy definitely hated on the American people for thinking we were dumb enough to believe that someone’s home recipe had the word "passion" in it. The only actual foods with the word "passion" in it are found in Shakespeare, and after you eat them, you die.

But this isn’t even the worst part. When confronted by the media about her “recipes,” she blamed it on her intern! Seriously, that is a recipe for some serious hating. With just a dash of deceit and a few heaping tablespoons arrogance, you too can hate just like Cindy. But then you would be plagiarizing, because that’s Cindy’s recipe. And if you plagiarized her recipe, you'd be plagiarizing her plagiarizing of recipes, which would be....double plagiarizing? We think? Just make sure not to blame your double plagiarizing on the intern, because that would be triple plagiarizing. And that's a level of hate that, quite frankly, frightens even us.

For real Cindy? You blame it on the intern? Her response was that this was a “low-level unpaid staff debacle.” Damn, Cindy! That's a direct quote!!! This type of hate actually hasn’t been exercised in years. Some might remember it as the Blame it on the Butler Hate, stemming from the Victorian Era, but many Hate-storians now refer to it as Blame it on the Dog Hate; When the hater blames their hate on a subservient party who has no way of hating back.

We're just shocked she didn’t get another intern to give her statement(hatement) for her in an attempt at Outsource Hate. Judging from her exemplary hating highlighted above, I am sure she knew about the option, but wanted the hate all to herself. You see, that's the kind of hating we need in the White House. She can have a plaque on her desk that says "The Buck Stops Here...when it comes to Hating." We're not hating, we're just saying - that Cindy McCain is the hater of the week.

News and Notes: A Glossary of Hate

A letter to our beloved readers,

As professors of hate, we are always very cautious to never hate. We know how hateful hate can be, so we stay away from it and encourage others to do the same. Unfortunately, the great majority of people can't recognize hate when they see it. This is why we have developed a glossary of hate terms. Basically, these are "hate identifiers" that can assist you in calling out haters. This is a running list and will be updated frequently (let's be honest - hate is a fluid, ever-changing art form. Really, no two hates are the same. This is known as the Snowfhate Theory, but we won't go into that here). From now on, we'll link any new Hate Identifiers within a post to our Hate Glossary, to make it easier for you to understand what all those haters (not us) all around you are doing.

For real though, if you don't want to learn these hate terms, then you are part of the problem. So learn them! If you don't, we hope you get attacked and mauled by thousands of rats, and then the rats go bowling and use your eyes as the ball and they pick ten of themselves at random to act as the pins, but they change the rules so that the pins are allowed to eat the ball, but then you suck so bad at bowling - you're like, Obama bad - that no matter what they do, your sucky eye just rolls into the gutter every time. By the way, the gutter is filled with naked pictures of Bea Arthur, and they're from now, not back when she was hot and on Golden Girls. Not hating, just saying.

See? If we were haters, then that would have been a Hyperbolic Hate, and depending on how you feel about it, you may think that we just hit a Hate Home Run. Now, of course, we're not. But...y'know...if we were, that would have been hating.

Let's just get to the damn list.




Airball Hate (n. or v.): When someone attempts to hate, but so completely misses the point of what they were trying to hate on, that they completely embarrass themselves as opposed to shaming the attempted hatee. Often occurs when someone takes a tongue-in-cheek hate way too seriously, and tries to offer up a valid argument against said hate.

(Closely related to: Swing and Miss Hate)



Anal Hate (n. or v.): Any hate that occurs that is simply done because the person doing the hating is lame and can't take a joke, or is bothered by a technicality that makes the hate inaccurate in some inconsequential way.



Apple Pie Hate (n. or v.): A hate that America does either to the rest of the world - or possibly to itself, or a suppressed group of any kind - that makes us proud and yet would embarrass every other type of person from every other country in the world if it even occurred to them to do it.




Backhanded Hate (n. or v.): See Trojan Hate.



Biblical Hate (n. or v.): A hate so vicious that it - or a closely analogous situation - was prophesized in the Bible.

"I can't believe those guys threatened your friend, and you denied that you even knew him! And not once, but three times? Man...that's some Biblical Hate.



Blank-Check Hate: (n. or v.): On rare occasions, a hater is able to create a situation where, for whatever reason, no matter how much they hate, it will never seem like they are hating too much. This most often occurs as part of a reverse-hate, but can in fact be achieved in a number of ways.

"Every time Andy Pettite talks about Roger Clemens, it just reminds me of how much of a lying douche Clemens is. Whenever Pettite hates, all I can think about is how much Clemens deserves to be hated - it's a blank-check hate."


Blame it on the Butler Hate (aka Blame it on the Dog Hate) (n. or v.): When the hater blames their hate on a subservient party who cannot hate back. Originated in the Victorian Era and perfected by people who cheat at the board game Clue.

Me – "Did you just fart? That smells terrible."
You- "It wasn't me, it was the dog."
Me – "Don't try that Blame it on the Butler Hate with me!"



Boomerang Hate (n. or v.): A hate that takes the reason that someone is hating on you, and then turns the fact that they used that rationale to hate on you into a hate on themselves, thus sending their original hate right back in their face, as if a boomerang. This is a wonderful display of the "not hating just saying" mantra, when done right.



Complementary Hate (n. or v.): A hate that occurs after an original hate has already been presented, and merely affirms the previous hate. Closely related to the "Corollary Hate."

Also known as: Piggy-Back Hate.



Eisenhower Hate (n. or v.): Any hate that is used by a politician to discredit a fellow politician. Note: There are countless subdivisions of Eisenhower Hates, but they all fall underneath this Hate Umbrella.



Evil Genius Hate (n. or v.): A hate where someone thinks of a plan that is incredibly and unnecessarily complicated in order to hate on someone on a worldwide stage.



Fact-Checker Hate (n. or v.): This is a hate that is directed at a miniscule, often meaningless mistake that only could have been pointed out if the Hater did a particularly pathetic amount of research to verify that the original statement was in fact technically wrong.



Friendly-Fire Hate (n. or v.): This occurs when someone is trying to say something nice to someone - usually to make up for someone else's previous hate - but they end up hating even more on the victim, despite trying to cheer them up.

Note: These can be just ridiculously hilarious sometimes. The sadder the hatee, the more the accidental hater is trying to cheer them up, and the more hilarious the unintended hate becomes.

Example: Boyfriend - "Sorry, I wasn't really that great in bed tonight."
Girlfriend - "Aww, don't worry, honey - I never expect much from you anyway."



Halfway Hater (n. or v.): Someone who wants to hate on someone or something, but is for some reason conflicted, and therefore does a less-than-stellar job of hating. Often occurs in the context of politics or romantic relationships.

"Look, he didn't 'mislead' - he lied. Don't be a Halfway Hater on this."



Hate Delay (n.): A scientific term denoting when a hate takes place, but the person being hated doesn't even realize they're being hated until well after they're able to respond to the hate.

"I would have punched him in the face if I'd realized what he was saying, but there was a two-hour hate-delay."



Hate Home Run (n.): A spectacular hate that absolutely maximizes the potential for hating in a given situation. This can only be topped by the incredibly rare "Hate Grand Slam."

"I think it's fair to say that Gawker stepped up to the plate and hit a Hate Home Run."

(origin: Katya, 'People That Think We are White')



Hate Paranoia (n.): When someone becomes so consumed with the fear of being hated on that they actually alter their actions in order to try to avoid that fate.

"I've been studying tap for about seven years now, and I really wanted to perform in the school talent show - I even had a specially-made leotard made for my outrageously jelly-like body - but I had to cancel last minute because of Hate Paranoia."



Hate Validation (n.): This occurs when a statement is originally interpreted as hating, but the reaction to said hate in some way validates the legitimacy of the statement, therefore proving that it was in fact not hating, but just saying.

Me: "I bet you cry like a little girl when someone makes fun of you."

You: (bursting into hysterical crying fit) "You take that back! Why?! Oh God, Why?!? Why are you hating like that!?"

Me: "That's not hating, son. Not after that Hate Validation."



Hater Power Move (n.): An action - taken by a Hater - that asserts his hating dominance, even amongst other lesser haters. These are often closely related to McCarthy Hates or can lead to the acquisition of Master Hater Territory.



Hate-Stacking (v.): To combine the use of multiple forms of hate in order to intensify a particular hate.

"Damn, she hit you with the Trojan Hate AND her girl came in for the Monkey in the Middle Hate?! That's some serious Hate-Stacking!"



Hate-storian (n.): A person with expertise in the field of Hating. This includes, but is not limited to: an ability to respect quality hates, an intimate knowledge of the history of hating, an appreciation for both the healing and destructive power of hating, and - in extreme circumstances, and only when merited - an ability to hate with extreme ferocity in order to restore what is just and good in this world.

See also: Us.



Hating Props (n.): The credit that is given to someone after a hate is dropped. Can be given after any hate, though is usually reserved for particularly vicious and/or effective hates. Also can be given for a career body of work, i.e. "I hate Pat Robertson, but the man does deserve some Hating Props."



Hyperbolic Hate (n. or v.): A hate that is, in some way, absolutely extreme and ridiculous. Often times blames all of the world's problems on a small and pretty much irrrelevant aspect of society. Really any hate that is blown out of proportion.

"I'm serious, man - the world is coming to an end soon because of global warming, and global warming can be blamed on industrialization, and what really put industrialization on the map was the cotton gin. Eli Whitney pretty much ended the world."

Note: Example was intentionally written with extreme levels of ignorance.



Imperialist Hate (n. or v.): This occurs when you undercut the market and expand across Earth without even the slightest concern for how this may ruin the world economy. Often involves selling a very shitty product at a deceptively cheap price in order to make old people bitter and sad.



Insecure Male Hate (n.): A hate where a man will hate on a woman - or women - due to her being much more successful and respected than he is, or his general fear of being emasculated.

Also known as: Porsche Hate.



King Solomon Hate (n. or v.): A hate in which the hater makes the two haters he is hating on look bad for hating on each other, as he himself hates on both of them equally.



Marty McFly Hate (n. or v.): A different type of Delayed Hate, in which the Hate Delay is 100 hundred years or more. Hate is characterized by the fact that by the time the hate is fully realized, the world is an entirely different place than when the hate first occurred.

"I can't believe the Bourgeoisie tricked the Proletariats into working for hundreds of years without giving them a real chance to move up in the social hierarchy of medieval times! That is some serious Marty McFly hate!"



Masterhate (v.): the act of dropping a hate that no one enjoys except the person who said it; usually occurs late at night in front of a computer screen and involves copious amounts of lotion and tears.

"I hope you enjoyed that masterhation session, because no one else did."

Click here for perfect example.

(origin: jackson, 'A Glossary of Hate')



Master Hater Territory (n.): The area within which a particularly vicious hater subsides, or claims ownership of. Often - though not exclusively - this land has been acquired through an act that involves some form of hating.



McCarthy Hate (n. or v.): A hate so irrational and unfounded that it becomes a historical event.



Meta-Humor Hate (n. or v.): See also: this entire site.

(origin: this douchebag named Charlie, 'Guest Sayer (Hater) Charlie Willson')



Mine Field Hate: A self hate that is done completely by accident


Minutia-Hate (n. or v.): A hate on something that is so immaterial, it's hard to even make a case that the hate wasn't a complete waste of time. An evolutionary ancestor to the yet-to-have-its-existence-proven "Single Cell Hate."

(origin: Chris, 'H.o.W. Ronald Susilo')



Monkey in the Middle Hate (n. or v.): A hate where two haters collaborhate to hate on one party, thus ruining any chance of the hatee being able to pull off a Reverse Hate.



Murphy's Hate (n.): Occurs when someone or something is nearly perfect in every way, but there is one tiny thing wrong with it, and that lone flaw is exposed and focused on by the Hater.



Necessi-Hate (n. or v.): A hate reaction that occurs when faced with a hate that is so unfounded and ridiculous that a hate on the original hater becomes not only deserved, but downright required.

"At first I was trying to stay cool, but a hate that ignorant necessihated a Reverse Hate."

(origin: Shinyfluff, 'A Glossary of Hate')



Nike Hating (n.): Paying people from a third-world country an embarrassingly small amount in order to make your products available for a very affordable price, but then pricing your products as if every single worker in aforementioned countries is given a 401 k.



Outsource Hate (n. or v.): A form of hate where the person who wants to hate employs another person to hate for them. Positives include being able to avoid Reverse Hates. Negatives include the lack of credit received for a great hate.


Patriot Act Hate (n.): A hate all over your privacy. See also, every major decision made by the Bush Presidency in the supposed interest of national security.


Piggy-Back Hate (n. or v.): See Complementary Hate.



Porsche Hate (n. or v.): See Insecure-Male Hate.



Reverse Hate (n. or v.): Occurs when someone is able to hate on the hate of someone else, therefore negating the effectiveness of the original hate. Doubly effective if the hate of the hate is even harsher than the original hate, meaning that every time someone thinks of the original hate, they are reminded of the superior reverse hate, therefore losing respect for the original hater. (for closely related term, see also: Boomerang Hate)

You - "Your blog sucks"

Me - "Yea, well that hate sucked. In fact, if that hate sucked any harder it would suck almost as much as you...which is about 18 dicks at a time."

You - "Damn, why you got to Reverse Hate like that?!"



Rip Van Winkle Hate (n. or v.): A form of Hate Delay, but the hate lays dormant and goes unnoticed for 20 years or more.



Single Cell Hate (n.): A hate so unmerited, and directed at something so ineffectual, that it actually alters the course of humanity as we know it.

Important Note: Existence not yet proven.



Sling-Shot Hate (n.): A timely hate when you have some hate to drop on someone, but rather than hate on them then and there, you instead save it up until right when it will do the most damage.

"I can't believe they brought that shit up two days before the election! Damn...that was one hell of a Sling-Shot Hate."



Snitching (v.): Hating by calling someone out on a hate that they did on someone else in order to inflict hate upon the original hater. i.e. referees, umpires, corporate whistle-blowers. Often immediately preceded by the word "stop" when used by rappers.



Supreme Hateration (n.): An especially harsh example of hating. Often times - though not always - so harsh that it's not actually funny. Often accentuated by italicizing the word 'supreme.'

"Did you see what Lorena Bobbitt did to her husband? Damn...that was some supreme hateration.



Teach For America Hate (n.): A hate on grammar that is so bad that it insults teachers everywhere.


Trojan Hate (n. or v.): A hate in which the hater appears to be complimenting someone but is in fact hating on them. Also known as a "backhanded hate".

"Wow, you're a really great actor. You should get your own sitcom on Fox, just like Michael Rappaport."



Van Gogh Hate (n. or v.) – A hate that is so genius that it isn’t understood or appreciated until long after the original hater is dead. This hate is often confused with hates that suck.

“Don’t be so quick to Reverse Hate on me, son. This could very well be a Van Gogh Hate.”


White Hate (n. or v.) - The worst type of hate that we've found in our time studying hating. This is pretty much any natural thought that a white person has on a daily basis without even thinking about it.


Wow Hate (n. or v.) - This is a hate that is so harsh and so borderline-offensive that it's barely even enjoyable to hear. It usually will present an offensive topic or image so that the third party involved is pretty much dared to hate the sayer more than the hater because of such a flippant reference to said offensive topic. It's a gutsy move, but when it works, it is a viciously powerful hate. Often elicits nothing but the word "Wow."

Hater: "Yo, son. Your life is so sad it makes the holocaust look like an episode of Teletubbies."

(Hatee begins silently crying; no one says a word for several minutes)

Witness to Hate: "Wow."


Note: This hate is not to be confused with a WoW Hate, which is when a nerd hates on a fellow nerd, but ends up hating on both of them, because they both understand the nerdy, massive-multiplayer-online references found within the hate.

_________________________________________________________


This is, quite honestly, just the tip of the ol' iceberg when it comes to the Dictionary of Hate. We'll continue adding to this as we see fit. In the meantime, hopefully these definitions help you to recognize the specific types of haters out there, along with their individual tendencies and preferences. Also hopefully - hopefully! - it makes you realize why we are so against any form of hating here at NotHatingJustSaying. The stakes are too high, hating is too evil, and frankly, the fate of the world hangs...whoops. We almost dropped a Hyperbolic Hate on you there for a second.

NOTE: This will now be a part of our Hating By-Laws, in case you ever need to reference it in the future.

IKEA

I’m not hating, but IKEA is the worst store on the planet. Seriously, have you ever been in there? It’s a gigantic warehouse full of the shittiest furniture you have ever seen. Not only does the furniture suck, but it comes in pieces in a box. About 90% of the time, the box actually makes a better table than the collection of scrapwood inside of it.

Ikea, you are such a hater for that shit. There are all of these other reputable mom-and-pop furniture shops that actually sell furniture that was made by people who are professionals at making furniture. While you hate on them, you also hate on us - with your clever yet devilish Imperialist Hate. This form of hate is exemplified in the way you undercut the market, and expand across Earth by enslaving me and anyone else who is bamboozled into purchasing a box from you that contains nothing but hard manual labor. I must admit that you guys are master haters. Wal-Mart gets all the Hating Props, because it pays people eighty cents a week to make its products (that's known as Nike Hating). But even that is eighty cents more than you pay us to go home, sit down on our living room floor, and then curse at the picture of what my TV stand is supposed to look like.

Then you make it worse by making it impossible for us to put it together with conventional tools! A Phillips head? Doesn’t work. Oh, maybe a wrench? Nope! Oh...how about a bent stick the size of my pinky? Bingo! Do you think we have a degree in civil engineering? Not because it takes a civil engineer to put the furniture together, but because you may need one to construct a building big enough to hold all of the extra pieces left over after we have supposedly completed the project you sold us.

What are we supposed to do with all of these extra pieces? Stick them up our asses? Having an allen wrench up my ass may actually be more comfortable than sitting in a chair I put together out of plywood I found in this box you sold me. Be honest, IKEA - are you a crackhead? No? You just sold me a couch for eight dollars. Don't try to tell me everything's cool.

But this isn’t the main reason you suck, Ikea. You really suck because somehow, you guys also sell hotdogs in your “furniture” store! Really, Ikea? You sell hotdogs!? Are you really selling us the shittiest furniture on Earth, then rubbing it in by metaphorically putting your dick in our faces!?

“Here is some low-quality furniture, now throw this in your mouth and shut the hell up” - Love, IKEA.

Well, I see right through you, IKEA, and there is definitely no love in anything that you do....hater. You shouldn't sell furniture, you should sell degrees in Hating, because that's definitely your real area of expertise. But even then, you'd probably just give the graduates a piece of stock paper, a quill, some ink, and a booklet on traditional mid-18th century-style handwriting. I’m not Hating Ikea, I’m just saying.

People Who Just Got Back From Another Country

I'm not hating, but people who just got back from another country suck. Look, traveling is great and it is a wonderful way to learn new things and possibly change your own perspective on life. I fully endorse it and encourage everyone to do so, but when you get back home...shut the fuck up.

They never shut the fuck up about it. Nobody cares!!! No one cares how all the kids in Germany play soccer instead of basketball. First of all, no shit. Everyone knows that. Second of all, if I wanted to “experience” a random elementary school soccer game where the kids scream in a language I don’t understand, I could go to Germany myself, and I certainly wouldn't go with you.

People who get back from third world countries are the worst. You always want to tell us how they do everything better over there. "You know in Cambodia people don't watch TV all day, they go outside and commune with nature." Well dumbass, that’s because there are 6 TV's in Cambodia and only 2 of them work. And they’re not “communing with nature,” they’re digging a drainage ditch to make sure the sewage doesn’t flood house. They definitely do stuff differently but not necessarily better, they do everything to survive, just like me and you. But it is really hard for them; especially when you are there to visit.

You visited a random country for a week and I’m supposed to listen to you like you’re a fucking scholar? Who gave you the deep understanding of the ethnic relations in North Africa? The cab driver who spoke three words of English or the waiter at the restaurant who justifiably spit in your food?

Please tell more about your “humanitarian” efforts that you so graciously pulled off for the poor people in some really broke countries that don't want anything to do with you. Oh really? You gave some kid on the street a skittle!? And he was so thankful that he let you take his picture? Someone call the Pope – we have a new saint! You can be the saint of telling people shit they don't care about.

Can you please relate everything that is going on around you back here in the states to something that happened on your monumental trip overseas? Everyone is interested to see how this bartender "so reminds you of this Australian dude that you met traveling in Fiji." You suck and I think I can speak on behalf of everyone that has to listen to you spew your useless knowledge - we all wish you contracted malaria while you were visiting Oprah's school in South Africa. I'm not hating people who just got back from another country, I'm just saying.

SPECIAL EDITION HATE: People That Think We Are White

I'm not hating on Gawker.com, because you are my kind of people. In fact, I just want to tell you guys how awesome you are! And what a phenomenal job of researching our site that you did for your latest post that referenced us!

Now, I know what you readers are thinking. You're thinking, "How can you possibly say that? Even though the original article was actually really cool of them, didn't you see what that follow-up post said about you over the weekend??"

My answer to you is yes, I did. And I loved it! You see, I'm Bryson Turner - the only white guy who is in any way involved with this blog. So when I saw that Gawker.com referenced our blog in a post this weekend- about the influx of 'StuffWhitePeopleLike'-esque blogs that have shown up since SWPL first blew up a few months ago - I was ecstatic! But it wasn't just because of the publicity that we received. No no no. For me, what was really cool was that they described us in the following context:

"First there was the blog 'Stuff White People Like.' And then a bunch of white people were all, 'But what kind of white people?' Then the Jews came and they liked stuff too. And more whites came who didn't like anything - not even Mythbusters!"

There is, as they say, one small problem with this description of our site (other than that they implied that we hate things, which of course we don't).

No, there was one other small problem. And that would be...we're not white.

But that's why I'm not hating on gawker! Because my whole life, as a white guy, I've expected to have shit handed to me, and if less-important or less-worthy people did a lot of the work (like, say, black people) then I still feel that I deserve to get all the credit and glory (and money. But I figure that's pretty much an automatic). Thank God Gawker agrees!! They're not going to let a few hurdles get in their way of assuming that this blog is written by a bunch of white dudes! After all, it's a pseudo-intelligent, collegiate-level, read-between-the-lines, tongue-in-cheek, snarky, too-clever-for-its-own-good blog - and only whites are intelligent enough to pull that off!!! Good call, Gawker!

A lot of people wouldn't have still assumed whites write this blog after they saw that two of the three dudes pictured at the top of our site were...well...black. But you guys are passionate, and dodged those bullets with ease! You probably assumed they had ghost-writers doing the actual work for them, since without help, their posts would always be late, and they'd probably just revolve around how they hate the limitations that were put on Welfare during the Clinton administration.

Whoa! What am I saying!? Black people don't follow politics!!!

I also love that it was assumed that only "whites" wrote this blog, despite the fact that the blog is called "Not Hating Just Saying." How long has 'hating' been a white construct? Is that a term we came up with? I mean, I'll admit that we steal pretty much anything that other races have that we decide is cool (known as a Yoink Hate), and then claim it as our own. But that seems like a quick turnaround, even for an eager-to-oppress white male like myself. Personally, I think that if it was a bunch of white guys that wrote this blog, it would be called "I honestly don't have a problem with that, but can we please at least sit down and talk about this for a minute?" or, "Hey guys, I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but this is something that's going to become a recurring issue if we don't nip it in the bud."

You guys would not be deterred, though. You insisted on referencing our site as one that is written by "whites", either without ever looking at the site, or perhaps by having some sort of subconscious, 'human ice-cream sandwich' types of thoughts about the two black people who "claim" to "write" our "blog."

It is because of this willful and inevitably brushed-aside-as-not-a-big-deal slight that I get all the credit for this blog! Just like everything else in life - as it should be - I have been given undue praise for something that is mostly achieved by others. Wow...I feel like a plantation owner that just got told I make great cotton. Yes, I do! And it's alllllll because of me!!! Thanks, Gawker! We're completely on the same page!!

I'm not hating, I'm just saying.

NHJB

Black Men with Mohawks

I’m not hating on Black Men with Mohawks, but why do all of them have to be so fucking cool?

Oh, what’s that, Seaton? You want one too? Too bad you can’t get one. Why? Cause you got a job. Good luck with all that responsibility.

But I want one, fellas.

Ok, you can have one. I’ll tell you how.

How?

Stop being a bitch!

Fuck you Mohawk muthafuckas. I want one too. I want to walk into a room and be looked at. You know how safe a Mohawk-wearing black dude looks? There’s no way you’re gonna mix up the Mohawk guy with the guy that just robbed the quickee-mart. I don’t care how racist or foreign or how many liqour stores you own in the ghetto. If you know anything, you know that there is a clear cut negro with a Mohawk in the pork grind section not committing any crimes.

This Mr. T renaissance is passing me by and it don’t make any sense to me. I was good with the flat top, even when Kid made the eraser head shit hot. Who cares? I was like ten and it didn’t matter - I stuck to my priniciples. Don’t put no fade on that, just cut it clean. Does anybody remember fades? I miss those, too. I had a fade. I had a Brooklyn. I had a shag by accident once.

But I can’t jump on this fad. Why? Cause my office job doesn’t allow it. So fuck you, Black Mohawk guy. Not everyone can be a fucking DJ in a RAVE. Not everyone can be a bike messenger. Not everyone can live off their parents' money. Fuck you rich bastards and your trust funds! Who said money doesn't bring you happiness? It brings you mohawks and confidence and cocaine. And if that isn't heaven, well then I don't want to be in Heaven.

And now Mohawks have fades! Fades! How the hell did we add soul to a Mohawk? How?!

How many things have black people taken and made cool? Countless, right? Almost every major sport. A shitload of instruments. And now Mohawks. And it's amazing cause you can’t plan for these things, you don’t know when it’s gonna happen, it just does. Which is the essential philosophy of every ebonic word ever made.

But we focus on the successes too much - what about some of the failures that black people couldn’t make cool? Isn’t there a country music rap group? Remember when Def Jam tried to blend horror films and hip hop? Do you remember when they made a hip hop version of Carmen with Beyonce? That was crap. You know it and I know it.

So go ahead fellas. I'm not gonna get in your way. You're just trying to express yourselves through your art. Fuck it, I'll express myself in my own way, i.e. paying my rent. I'm not hating on Black Men with Mohawks, I'm just saying.

HATER OF THE WEEK: RONALD SUSILO

What? You don't know who that is? Well, that's because he plays badminton. So already, this dude is hating on everyone who plays an actual sport. He might become a gold medalist this summer, but we're giving him an even greater honor now - Hater of the Week. His hating is shattering the dreams of table tennis fans all over Singapore. If you haven't heard what happened, allow us to fill you in.

Ronald Susilo, who is a somewhat decent badminton player, is suing his ex-fiancé, Li Jiawei, who is the captain of Singapore's Olympic table tennis team. He wants to recover money for an apartment they once shared. This former power couple – they were like the Beckhams, but for all those shitty countries - must have had a messy break-up back in January, and Susilo held the hate until just the right time. It's what's known as a Sling-Shot Hate – when you have some hate to drop on someone, but you save it up until right when it will do the most damage.

So why now? Because - the Olympics are right around the corner! Li is poised to take home the coveted table tennis gold…and now you hit her with this shocking and disruptive news? This situation is like one of those shitty sports movies where the sports star gets his/her heart broken and they are unable to focus on the big game - like, for instance, Juwanna Mann. But Susilo won't let there be a happy ending to this story. He's too good a hater.

"Does he want to affect my chances of winning a medal or my moods?" Li asked, clearly taking out her frustrations by hating on the English language.

The answer is yes to both, Li…but mainly, he wants to ruin the reputation of Table Tennis. You see, Table Tennis isn't just a game in Singapore, son. It's a way of life - and Li is a table tennis superstar. Singapore needs her to win the gold. They don't have much going for them on the international stage. Sure, they got to cane the ass of a spoiled American, while America could do nothing but watch. But that was a long time ago, and that joy wears off after a while.

So why is Susilo purposefully stressing Li out before the Olympics? Clearly, because Susilo -- as a middle of the road Badminton player -- wants to tear down the Table Tennis establishment by any means necessary. Susilo not only wants to ruin his ex, but also to kill ping pong in Singapore as we (don't) know it. This is his attempt to finally put Badminton at the forefront of the Singapore sports hierarchy, with his Evil Genius Hate – which is when someone thinks of a plan that is incredibly and unnecessarily complicated in order to hate on someone on a worldwide stage.

This was calculated for years. That's why they broke up in the first place; he was insecure about his girl and the sport she played. Think about it: a Badminton ball(or whatever that thing is) is called a shuttlecock, while Li is hitting around ping pong balls. Clearly, he has an inferiority complex because she plays a game with "balls" while he chases around a "cock." The symbolism is clear, people – and Susilo knew that. That is why he executed this Insecure-Male-Hate (also known as a Porsche Hate).

His remedy? A nation-shaming – but effective - Insecure-Male-Hate hate, of course. He wants that apartment money, but more importantly, he wants his time in the sun with his shuttlecock in hand. With this masterfully choreographed hate, he can confidently say(hate) Mission Accomplished. Bravo, Ronald Susilo. We're not hating, we're just saying...that you really earned the title of Hater of the Week.

Stoplights That Never Switch to Blinking Red

I'm not hating on Stoplights that never switch to blinking red, but honestly, are you that desperate to seem hard in front of your friends that you can't even let me proceed at my own "risk" when there isn't another car in sight? Are you gonna be that big a douche, stoplight? At this point, you're like the hall monitor in middle school that got drunk with power. Which is probably the only thing that you will ever be drunk on, because you're lame.

Valid point, stoplight. I don't drink, either. But I assume that's what all the cool kids do. I wasn't hating, I was just saying. Do you mind if we move forward? Oh...of course you do. You're a fucking stoplight. Well, I'm going to anyway.

Where was I? Oh yeah, trashing you for succumbing to peer pressure from your other stoplight friends.

No, wait. What am I saying!? We couldn't have 98 percent of all lights go to flashing after midnight! That'd be crazy!!! Because your town is just like New York City...right? Right, shitty new stoplight that doesn't need to be there in the first place? You guys are the city that never sleeps! Well, turns out your little "town" of thirty people just west of Bumfuck, South Dakota, or wherever you're from, is actually the city that's never woken up. I'm pretty sure the "magic stop sign" in your downtown district (remember? that's where you get your gingham) isn't going to put you on the map.

Also, please relay to the city council (for any questions regarding the local political structure, please refer to Seasons 1-3 of Dr. Quinn, Medicine Woman) that it was a nice touch to spring for the light without installing sensors so that the lights actually serve their purpose of saving people time. I'd hate for money to be spent wisely. That'd be stupid!

Oh, and I love the guilt-trip that I still somehow get when I consider driving through you. As if it would actually be a big deal to all the zero people who would be within six miles of such a heinous act. I can't tell you how many times I have suffered from a fear of Hate Paranoia - a crippling condition that occurs when I actually alter my actions based on the fear that what I'm about to do will get me hated on.

One time, I had to wait so long, that in order to save time, I turned around, went back home, and began trying to construct a time machine, so that I could go back in time to when there was still a stop sign - which, what do you know, worked just fucking fine - and drive through that. It took roughly 350 years to do, and you know what? It shaved about two minutes off the trip.

Oh, and just so you know - stoplights don't even exist in the future. There - that's some Marty McFly hate for you. That's a hate that you won't even realize for another hundred years. That's even more vicious than a Rip Van Winkle Hate, in which the Hate Delay is roughly twenty years. But then, I'm sure you know all about Hate Theory. After all, you're one of the best and most unnecessary haters around. I'm not hating on Stoplights That Never Switch to Blinking Red, I'm just saying.

People Who are Trying to Save the Pandas

I'm not hating on people who are trying to save the pandas, but I don't think there's ever been a more irrational and undeserved attempt to save something. Anybody who has honestly ever lost sleep over a Panda should just jab themselves in the eyes with some bamboo that has been partially eaten by said Pandas - and that shouldn't be hard to find, because Pandas sit on their ass and eat bamboo for roughly 22 hours a day. The other two hours, I'm pretty sure they just focus on not fucking.

Look, I'm not hating on saving animals. Though I'll be honest, if Dodos were still around today, I'm pretty sure they'd be really fucking annoying. Imagine New York City with a bunch of 3-foot tall pigeons that can't fly, just walking around the city and asking you for change. I would think that would get pretty damn annoying.

Really? You don't think they could talk? No, I'll believe you - just go ahead and show me the tape. Oh, you don't have any tape of Dodos not talking? How convenient for you. Also, I'm pretty sure I saw a political cartoon in my 10th grade history class where a Dodo was saying something to Teddy Roosevelt. Do you honestly think someone would just make that up? I can tell you, as someone who does meticulous research for these posts - we don't just put anything on here. So unless you can prove otherwise, Dodos not only spoke, but they spoke with a hilariously high-brow British accent. And if you claim otherwise, you're just hating on facts.

Where were we? Oh yeah. Okay, Dodos are a bad example. They were like the Charlton Hestin of the animal kingdom - while I'm sure they did something cool before we were alive to see it, toward the end they were just annoying and were actually doing much more harm than good.

A better example are the whales. If we were shitting our pants about saving the whales, I could understand that, because we fucked the whales up pretty good. That one's on us. But I've never used Panda Oil. Have you? No. We're not even killing Pandas off. They're just too lazy to have sex. That's why they're going extinct. Because apparently, female pandas kind of look like dudes (http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/08/09/china.panda.reut/index.html).

Did you know that female pandas want to have sex three days a year. Three days a year!!! That's not a minor reproductive obstacle - that's a major evolutionary design flaw. Even Southern Baptists are like, "Okay, fine. Darwin has a point on that one." Did you know that some zoos have been showing Pandas porn to try to get them to have sex?

Panda porn. For real. Listen: if an animal's instincts are so shitty that it needs to be taught how to pro-create, then why would we ever feel bad for destroying them? You see that clip at the bottom of this post? I'm not hating on Panda's ability to survive...but that baby panda later died of a post-traumatic stress disorder.

Three days. A year. You want to know who else wants female pandas to go extinct? Male pandas. They're like, "Forget it, I'll fuck a koala. I don't care, I just need four days, at least."

Why don't you tree-huggers actually focus on saving something that actually deserves it, because Pandas aren't even close. They don't deserve our sympathy - humans don't do a damn thing to hurt Pandas, except get them fat on a steady diet of bamboo and concern. If they're gonna die, let 'em die (I actually don't know if that's accurate - we might make soccer balls out of them. I have no idea).

People who are trying to save the pandas should stop wasting their time and go apologize to a whale somewhere, because it's about time our giving-a-shit about pandas goes the way of the Dodo. I'm not hating, I'm just saying.

Office One-Liners

I’m not hating, but Office one-liners are the most annoying thing next to someone scratching their knife on a plate. Another day another dollar, huh? I’m completely convinced that many of the office shootings are stemmed from one office one-liner too many. That and companies that block the internet for “work purposes only” - those bitches got to go.

Is it Friday yet?

Jesus, do I have to laugh everytime? Is that your goal? Or is it to fill the void of silence that represents the emptiness in your lives? You think maybe if you throw them one-liners out that maybe coupled with your drunken one-night stands with any man that will temporarily play your father figure, then you can get through one more hour playing with your minesweeper and IM-ing your friends about your Facebook pages.

Working hard or hardly working?

What do you want me to say? Seriously? Yes, I am actually hardly working as opposed to working hard.

Good one.

And no I don’t think it is Friday yet, but let me check the calendar again.

And I agree it IS another day, but I think I’m making more than a dollar I hope.

I wonder if this is some elitist way of speaking. Office speak. I wonder if other workplaces have their own phrases?

Slaves: You oppressed or you oppressing?
Prison Labor: Is it Friday yet? Cause I’m supposed to get raped then.
Illegal immigrants: Another day another…cheaper labor.

Would it be better if everyone just stopped trying so hard? Or if everyone just shut up? Or maybe if instead of trying to be funny we all just tried to be ourselves and be interesting through honesty. But if you work in an office, there is no way you can be interesting. So I guess there’s that.

TGIF!! Let’s go to HAPPY HOUR! Let's get outside of the office and really talk!

How’s was your weekend?
Did you see the game?
Is it raining?
Is it snowing?
How’s traffic?
Please kill me!

I’m not hating on Office one-liners. I’m just saying.



NHJS

People That Run Marathons

I'm not hating, but people that run marathons are lame as hell. Now, I'm not talking about Olympic runners and Kenyans and shit - they are cool. Basically, because they win and they do it for a living. No, I'm talking about your girlfriend that ran the Boston Marathon last year because she thought it would be fun.

Fun!? You know how I know you suck? You think Marathons are "fun."

This is how these "fun" events work. First, you get to pay like $60 to $100 just for the opportunity to have a fun-filled morning. And when I say morning, I mean like 5AM to 9AM on a fucking Saturday. The only time you have fun at 5AM in the morning is if you're still up, you're still drunk, and you know in a little while you are about to go to sleep. That, coupled with the fact that you know that you won't have to wake up at a bullshit hour in the morning so that you can run until you feel like you're going to die. And you pay for this shit?

Now, there are those out there who say, "Hey, it's not necessarily fun to run a marathon, but I just wanted to see if I could do it." Ok fine, point taken, but you could do that shit for free, you don't need to pay somebody $60. Go run right now. In fact, just take off from wherever you are right now and never come back so we don't have to see your dumb ass ever again. You know who else just wanted to run? Forrest Gump...and you know what? You kind of remind me of him, especially when he was running and that guy handed him that rag with dog shit on it and he washed his face with it...you shitface.

It's not like you are even going to run with a bunch of cool people at these things, I mean they all think like you...and you suck. You are the type of person that wants to run a marthon so you can tell people that you are training for one and then after the race you tell people that you ran one. You think that is some cool shit to tell someone, even though seretely any non-marthon runner is thinking about what a jerk and a waste of space you are.

Seriously, have you ever been to a reeally broke ass country? Do you see people jogging? Probably not, but let's say on the off-chance that you do. Do you think they paid money to have the right to run? If you see someone running in a third-world country...you better run with them, because that means some shit is going down. That's probably why Kenyans are so good at marathons - they only have one speed when they're running: Stay Alive. Let's put it this way, there is no fucking Nicaraguan Marathon every year. And if there is, it's because some douche from Seattle or somewhere started one for him and all his friends to go to.

Not to mention that the people that run marathons are such terrible people that they try to mask their evilness through charity. There are a whole bunch of marathons that are for a cause, like raising money for cancer or some terminal illness that we haven't found a cure for yet. Now giving these charities money is a good thing, and these people need it because a lot of the people in need can no longer walk or run. But just give them the money! Don't make it so that in exchange for your donation, you make them watch you do something that they couldn't do in their wildest dreams! You are assholes for rubbing it in their faces! That's like giving a midget $20, but only after you make him watch you ride a roller coaster first. I'm not hating on people that run marathons, I'm just saying.

NHJJ

HATER OF THE WEEK - NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell

After the new hating policy proposed by the NFL this week, our Hater of the Week goes to NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell. The man who spearheaded the “No Celebrating” rule after touchdowns now wants to add another Hate Rule to his hating rule: No long hair out the backs of helmets!

Wow. That kind of hate can throw you for a loop. That’s right, Roger - you get those damn kids...with their long hair, and their rock and roll music! That’s not even music, is it Roger? No - it’s just noise. Give me some Streisand any day.

I wonder, Goodell - you think you can bump some more of these fines up so that they become suspensions? Sure you can - you're the commish! You’re not a Halfway Hater, you’re a full on Hating Machine. It goes back to your playing days, don’t it? Wait, did you ever play? Nevermind - let’s just focus on your stellar hating. I mean he figured out a way for you to get a fine if your socks are pulled down. Your socks! That’s not even racist! That’s just sick.

You have to marvel at Goodell’s ingenuity at getting something like this started. I mean, common sense would dictate that you can’t just go out there and start arbitrarily suspending guys - no, you have to have things like “just cause.” But Roger, you ask, how can you have just cause if they don’t break the rules? Well, Roger would say, you have to create more rules so that they may break them easier. That’s just the American way! Create more laws so you have more of the people you want in prison. (google: Jim Crow Laws)

But let’s not get carried away. Goodell was genius in that he’s not just gonna arbitrarily throw out fines or suspensions on just ANYBODY. Players only. And players whom he deems a “problem.” Don’t mess with the coaches. That would be silly. Say if a coach happens to drive around at night naked and order cheeseburgers. He’s under stress. Or if a coach gets a DUI, then that’s just hazards of the game. Or if a coach is caught blatantly cheating, we need to sweep that under the rug, because “What’s done is done.” It’s in the past - right Goodell? Do a private investigation, then burn it. It worked wonderfully for President Nixon (oh wait, he should have burned his tapes).

No, we have to wait for the players to do what they do right, Roger? Let's not wait for the next player to be in a strip club, shooting people and making it rain. No. If we only punished players for stuff that's actually bad, what fun would that be??

Celebrating in the endzone too much? Fine.

Having droopy socks? Fine.

Was he riding in a car late at night and got arrested for suspicion of DUI, even though the charges were later dropped? Too bad - suspension and cut from team.

But the beauty about Goodell is he doesn’t really make any money from the suspensions. He’s just doing it from the hate out of his heart. And he’s only been at it like 2 years! His predecessor was commissioner 12 years. Can you imagine how much hate Goodell can bring in 12 years? He might just implement internment camps for players who don’t use proper English in interviews. Come on dog! Wait, do I get a fine for typing niggardly?

All for the sake of the purity of the game! Back in the day when the game was good! The game it used to be…you know, between the segregation, and steroids, and massive cocaine, and crippled players, and lack of pensions or medical insurance for the former players who desperately need it. Yes! We need that game back!

I’m not hating on NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, I’m just saying...that his irrational hating on players that don't do anything wrong makes him our Hater of the Week.