People Who are Trying to Save the Pandas

I'm not hating on people who are trying to save the pandas, but I don't think there's ever been a more irrational and undeserved attempt to save something. Anybody who has honestly ever lost sleep over a Panda should just jab themselves in the eyes with some bamboo that has been partially eaten by said Pandas - and that shouldn't be hard to find, because Pandas sit on their ass and eat bamboo for roughly 22 hours a day. The other two hours, I'm pretty sure they just focus on not fucking.

Look, I'm not hating on saving animals. Though I'll be honest, if Dodos were still around today, I'm pretty sure they'd be really fucking annoying. Imagine New York City with a bunch of 3-foot tall pigeons that can't fly, just walking around the city and asking you for change. I would think that would get pretty damn annoying.

Really? You don't think they could talk? No, I'll believe you - just go ahead and show me the tape. Oh, you don't have any tape of Dodos not talking? How convenient for you. Also, I'm pretty sure I saw a political cartoon in my 10th grade history class where a Dodo was saying something to Teddy Roosevelt. Do you honestly think someone would just make that up? I can tell you, as someone who does meticulous research for these posts - we don't just put anything on here. So unless you can prove otherwise, Dodos not only spoke, but they spoke with a hilariously high-brow British accent. And if you claim otherwise, you're just hating on facts.

Where were we? Oh yeah. Okay, Dodos are a bad example. They were like the Charlton Hestin of the animal kingdom - while I'm sure they did something cool before we were alive to see it, toward the end they were just annoying and were actually doing much more harm than good.

A better example are the whales. If we were shitting our pants about saving the whales, I could understand that, because we fucked the whales up pretty good. That one's on us. But I've never used Panda Oil. Have you? No. We're not even killing Pandas off. They're just too lazy to have sex. That's why they're going extinct. Because apparently, female pandas kind of look like dudes (http://www.cnn.com/2007/TECH/science/08/09/china.panda.reut/index.html).

Did you know that female pandas want to have sex three days a year. Three days a year!!! That's not a minor reproductive obstacle - that's a major evolutionary design flaw. Even Southern Baptists are like, "Okay, fine. Darwin has a point on that one." Did you know that some zoos have been showing Pandas porn to try to get them to have sex?

Panda porn. For real. Listen: if an animal's instincts are so shitty that it needs to be taught how to pro-create, then why would we ever feel bad for destroying them? You see that clip at the bottom of this post? I'm not hating on Panda's ability to survive...but that baby panda later died of a post-traumatic stress disorder.

Three days. A year. You want to know who else wants female pandas to go extinct? Male pandas. They're like, "Forget it, I'll fuck a koala. I don't care, I just need four days, at least."

Why don't you tree-huggers actually focus on saving something that actually deserves it, because Pandas aren't even close. They don't deserve our sympathy - humans don't do a damn thing to hurt Pandas, except get them fat on a steady diet of bamboo and concern. If they're gonna die, let 'em die (I actually don't know if that's accurate - we might make soccer balls out of them. I have no idea).

People who are trying to save the pandas should stop wasting their time and go apologize to a whale somewhere, because it's about time our giving-a-shit about pandas goes the way of the Dodo. I'm not hating, I'm just saying.