Monday, April 7, 2008

People That Run Marathons

I'm not hating, but people that run marathons are lame as hell. Now, I'm not talking about Olympic runners and Kenyans and shit - they are cool. Basically, because they win and they do it for a living. No, I'm talking about your girlfriend that ran the Boston Marathon last year because she thought it would be fun.


Fun!? You know how I know you suck? You think Marathons are "fun."

This is how these "fun" events work. First, you get to pay like $60 to $100 just for the opportunity to have a fun-filled morning. And when I say morning, I mean like 5AM to 9AM on a fucking Saturday. The only time you have fun at 5AM in the morning is if you're still up, you're still drunk, and you know in a little while you are about to go to sleep. That, coupled with the fact that you know that you won't have to wake up at a bullshit hour in the morning so that you can run until you feel like you're going to die. And you pay for this shit?

Now, there are those out there who say, "Hey, it's not necessarily fun to run a marathon, but I just wanted to see if I could do it." Ok fine, point taken, but you could do that shit for free, you don't need to pay somebody $60. Go run right now. In fact, just take off from wherever you are right now and never come back so we don't have to see your dumb ass ever again. You know who else just wanted to run? Forrest Gump...and you know what? You kind of remind me of him, especially when he was running and that guy handed him that rag with dog shit on it and he washed his face with it...you shitface.

It's not like you are even going to run with a bunch of cool people at these things, I mean they all think like you...and you suck. You are the type of person that wants to run a marthon so you can tell people that you are training for one and then after the race you tell people that you ran one. You think that is some cool shit to tell someone, even though seretely any non-marthon runner is thinking about what a jerk and a waste of space you are.

Seriously, have you ever been to a reeally broke ass country? Do you see people jogging? Probably not, but let's say on the off-chance that you do. Do you think they paid money to have the right to run? If you see someone running in a third-world country...you better run with them, because that means some shit is going down. That's probably why Kenyans are so good at marathons - they only have one speed when they're running: Stay Alive. Let's put it this way, there is no fucking Nicaraguan Marathon every year. And if there is, it's because some douche from Seattle or somewhere started one for him and all his friends to go to.

Not to mention that the people that run marathons are such terrible people that they try to mask their evilness through charity. There are a whole bunch of marathons that are for a cause, like raising money for cancer or some terminal illness that we haven't found a cure for yet. Now giving these charities money is a good thing, and these people need it because a lot of the people in need can no longer walk or run. But just give them the money! Don't make it so that in exchange for your donation, you make them watch you do something that they couldn't do in their wildest dreams! You are assholes for rubbing it in their faces! That's like giving a midget $20, but only after you make him watch you ride a roller coaster first. I'm not hating on people that run marathons, I'm just saying.

NHJJ

56 comments:

Melodie said...

I agree with you mostly, but unfortunately, I have seen "Forrest Gump" about 200,000 times, and I am here to tell you that the dog shit incident and the t-shirt incident were two separate incidents. a) he ran through dog shit. b) he got splashed with mud and someone gave him a clean t-shirt with which to wipe off his face.

And now, I have to go drink myself to sleep. Again.

John said...

You realize I could hate on you for knowing that much about Forrest Gump...but I wont. Thanks for the Fact Checker Hate...

catsinshorts said...

You failed to mention all the 26.2 shirts and bumperstickers these people love to flaunt. Like the rest of us just don't get it.

Aparna said...

i think, just for fun, a T-Rex should be released in the vicinity 15 minutes after the start of every marathon.

then, at the end of the race, people's shirts could be bloody not just from nipple chafing.

Bryson said...

My favorite thing to do to piss off marathon runners: Find out they run marathons and then be like, "How far is that...26 miles?"

Without a doubt, 100 percent of the time, they'll get crazily pretentious and say "Nope. It's 26 point-two."

Like if the rest of us only ran 26 miles at a time, we're a bunch of pussies. Like they really need that extra .2 to validate that they're tougher than the rest of us.

At which point, I act even more pretentious and say, "Oh...cause I run 26.4..." and then walk away like I just caught them taking a dump in some bushes. I'm not hating, I'm just saying.

maitresse said...

people *who* run marathons.
no?

John Rogers said...

Incredibly stupid post. (That's right; I run marathons.) Thousands and thousands of people in poor or war-torn countries run; they run despite the high caloric cost and despite the danger. In fact, the Sri Lankan marathon this weekend was the target of a suicide bombing. To run that far is, for a lot of people, to assert that they exist, to rebel against the inertias of indolence and pointless violence, and to repudiate the inanity of pop culture, as expressed perfectly on this blog.

Also, the joke itself? "OMG, iz hates marathon peepls." Wow. So damn old.

Alien said...

Not to mention all the roads that are blocked and the traffic that comes to a stand-still to accommodate these self-appointed do-gooding bunch of losers.

Why don't you just run on the marina and jump right in when you come to the end. Take a hint from the lemmings.

Hatin' and not just sayin'

Charlie said...

Sorry, I know no one ever wanted this blog to get this serious, but...

John, that's great that you can somehow repudiate pop culture by running slowly until your joints crumble. And, yes, a few people in the developing world do indeed run, but that doesn't make you any less smug or obnoxious for elevating your chosen hobby to an artificial level of importance.

And I guess since you can't run marathons every day, writing didactic comments on a droll HUMOR blog is the only way to obtain relief from the daily pressures of being humorless and self-righteous.

Bryson said...

Damn! Great hate, John Rogers!! That shit was vicious! Looks like somebody's got an eye on a certain weekly award...

Bryson said...

Oh wait, I hadn't seen that last one by Charlie. Wow...I think I'm changing my vote. Jesus.

Charlie said...

Bryson, you've witnessed the challenging (and often dangerous) "hate on another hate" hate - the triple axel of hating -- I mean, saying.

42at42 said...

"any non-marthon runner is thinking about what a jerk and a waste of space you are."

How can we be wasting space, we don't sit our butts on the sofa all day. You have all the room your expanding body needs.

Just sayin'

Hernease said...

"Don't make it so that in exchange for your donation, you make them watch you do something that they couldn't do in their wildest dreams! You are assholes for rubbing it in their faces! That's like giving a midget $20, but only after you make him watch you ride a roller coaster first. I'm not hating on people that run marathons, I'm just saying."

ROTFL!

I'm a proud marathoner, btw, and once I register my car, I'm posting my new 26.2 license framer thingy on the back. I just wanted to share about the .2 thing real quick. I ran the L.A. marathon, and the first year I ran, those last .2 miles were uphill, and all of us slowpokes were collectively pissed off since they told us the last 6 miles were supposed to be downhill. It was a nice bond through hate experience as we walked up hills that weren't supposed to exist. So, when people say, "That's 26 miles right?" I flash back to my first and share how after 26, you have to count the 0.2, especially when they're uphill.

John said...

You know, when I wrote this post I really didn't have a specific person in mind. But then again I didn't know who 42at42 was when I wrote it. You see he is someone who lives and breathes to run! And why? So he can tell you that he does.

Thanks for the post, especially with your little picture of you running! You have really just shocked everyone by making this comment. No one would have ever though that someone like you would write a comment like that!

Have you no sense of irony? It actually would have been a good hate if you sarcastically said "Marathon runners suck!" Then showcase that really cute picture of you running right next to it. But I guess you were too busy training, just so you can tell people that you were training to sit down and think about that.

When did you find time to read this post and respond with such a stunning comment? Shouldn't you have been running? Or maybe tracking down your race packet for the next race? Or telling someone that you were busy because you had to pick up your race packet for you next race? Or showing pictures of you running to people at work like baby pictures? Or sprucing up your Myspace page with more pictures of you running?

Were you running when you wrote that comment? How did you do that? That is fascinating, almost as fascinating as when you tell everyone within ear shot that you run marathons. You know what, I take it all back. I mean I was just writing in a general sense and I didn't really know I would be talking specifically about you. If I had known this post was going to be about you I never would have written it. Not because of your jeering and abundantly stupid "Completely-missed-the-point-hate" but because you're amazing.

Bryson said...

Hey Hernease, I'm not hating, but was that you that I just saw taking a dump in those bushes?

I'm not hating, I'm just saying.

miss denver said...

People pay $60 for for concerts, makeup, groceries, etc. I can pay $60 to run a damn marathon. It's for the experience, goals, and personal satisfaction of the commitment!! I don't brag or advertise shit on my car. If someone is clueless and does not know how long a marathon is, I will be more than happy to let them know it is 26.2 miles.

Jason@nycin310.com said...

I have a sense of humor and appreciated this rant immensely. I'd also like to say that, yes, I run marathons and yes I am better than you. Feel free to watch me brag about my marathoning prowess at www.nycin310.com !

Jason@nycin310.com

thinmints said...

Which is worse? A) Folks (like me) who run marathons and slap a harmless, tiny little "26.2" sticker on the car for the purpose of exchaging an occasional nod with a fellow marathoner while driving, or B) Lazy fatass hate bloggers chowing on nachos and sucking down beers en route to contracting Type II Diabetes and increasing health costs for everyone?

Bonkers said...

Hah! I found this blog because I actually Googled, "Why Do People Run Marathons"? Wanna know why I did that? Because I ran one yesterday and boy, is my knee killing me. I won't bother going through your Hate point-by-point, because I would just be reiterating your entire article. Point is: this rant was funny. Me? So busted, on just about all counts.

Two things, though:
I do feel relaxed and evened out today. But....I could have done that just riding my bike somewhere, really far (nearly for free), so that isn't really a good point.
On traffic:
Also, I live in a city where all summer long, the streets swell every bloody weekend with tourists to come and see this and that free music in the park. Jams the shit out of traffic. Sometimes I get irritated, but most other times I shrug and think, "People like free music. I hope they have a nice time visiting the city I like well enough to have moved here".

Anyway, I am going to back to being humiliated by Stuff White People Like (even though my Taiwanese girlfriend says that blog nails her to wall, too).

Bonkers said...

"That's like giving a midget $20, but only after you make him watch you ride a roller coaster first. I'm not hating on people that run marathons, I'm just saying."

ROTFL
Always fond of another good line.

In fairness, people who run for charity raise far more than just their entrance fee and getting folks to donate $20 apiece in honor of an event is a lot easier than just walking around begging and saying, "Just because. What, you don't care about the midgets? Now gimme."

Not to hate on people who raise money year-round by begging (man, my phone never seems to stop ringing because of one charitable org another asking me to just....gimme), bless their 'ittle hearts, but just sayin'.
;)

David said...

I don't know peeps i just ran my first marathon 2day and thought it was really cool that I got to see how far i could push my body. Im not gonna get a bumper stick or wear my medal around but its one thing i got to do in my life that required tons of discipline. Plus I got to train with my older sisters and get to know them better than I did. I only live once so why not? I'll move on now to my next adventure. I do know the point of this blog is to get folks fired up so i do not take offense to your post. Keep em comming truly interesting to see what folks think. Raise my glass to my next marathon. I will be thinkin about you darling. lol

Katie said...

Not that I've ran a marathon (thinking of it, but haven't yet...and the one I want to do only cost $20 and that includes a meal and a shirt), but I can tell you that those 26.2 stickers on vehicles (not that I would put one on mine) offend me a whole lot less than the tacky ones like "Jeep girls like it dirty and topless" or "Gas, Ass, or Grass: Everyone's paying for a ride" et cetera. Those that parents have to find a decent way to explain to their children...just saying...

Stephen said...

So I have run a marathon, and I find this post pretty hilarious, because for the most part it's pretty accurate.

Most people run marathons for the attention or to feel good about themselves, and honestly I mostly did it just to prove that I could, but as human nature is, of course bragged about it via facebook immediately after... So basically I guess I am kind of a douche bag, or at least had a douche bag moment.

As for the T-shirts or the 26.2 sitckers. If you have one of those on your car you are as douchey as the people with the "co-exist" bumper stickers on your car.

alwaysrunning said...

I believe everyone has a right to their own opinion, but anyone who writes this is normally a fat ass. Just saying. I did a marathon to see if I could do rather than see how many burgers I could eat in one day.

Alan said...

Yeah, funny post. LOts of it is spot on. But let's face it, lots of people talk about their hobbies (or whatever they spend their time doing outside of work). So, why not marathoners?

Don't you talk about your hobbies? Or is it still frowned upon to discuss masturbation openly in your social circle?

It's easy to post random shit, huh?

Olga said...

You're an idiot. You're just hating because you dont have the will power, strength or endurance to even try. Good luck sitting on your couch writing stupid blogs and getting fat!

Zolton said...

Pretty much everything you stated in your blog has been said to me by my husband. Yes, I run marathons... not for charity, not to make friends, and not even to post the little 26.2 sticker on my car. It just makes me feel good and keeps me sane in my crazy life of work, being a wife and mother. I'm not offended by your post; in fact I think it had some pretty funny points.

My husband’s main argument is why I have to pay to run, why not just go out by myself. And I tell him, I don’t have a personal trainer, so when I sign up for a race I have a commitment. I guess I look at races like my personal trainer. And unless you live in a rural area (which I do not), when else are the streets shut down, when would people stand on the roadside to hand you water and food, bathrooms accessible for a quick stop, people cheering and playing music, and when you’re done there are people to give you a massage if needed.

Lastly… I really like running at 5:30am, seeing this big city skyline still sleeping and peaceful as the sun rises up over Lake Michigan is one of my favorite things, it’s the only peaceful time of my day. Nope running isn’t for everyone, but hopefully you and your fellow “non haters” have a hobby that gives you the kind of joy running has given me. And if not… I guess that just sucks for you!

D said...

I would like to run a marathon, in fact, I run 5 miles a day, but why the hell would I pay $60 to do something I can do for free? Oh yeah, it goes to charity... well... why don't they have corporate sponsors pay a certain amount per mile I run? If I'm paying a charity, then I don't expect to do any running. Now, if someone else is willing to pay the charity for each mile I run, then I would gladly run as far as I can to raise money for that charity!

Patrick said...

midget mentality. people train and run marathons to push the levels of their existence. most people live placid lives where they never feel the desire or strive through the pain it takes to complete a marathon. most people aren't mentally strong enough to undertake an event that can take a year of preparation. building up strength. most people are lazy. fat. like to lay in bed when it's cold or they are tired. distance runners are stronger than you. i played college football. i am mentally stronger now as a distance runner than i ever had to be benching 340. that's why we run.

Scott said...

I don't think that the marathon runners understand what's being said (go figure). They want to assume that those who choose not to run marathons are fat and lazy people. I run a half marathon every other week, but I do it on a trail near where I live. The reason why marathons are retarded is that:

A. You are paying to do something that is an innate human ability. We all can run. I see overweight people on The Biggest Loser who have the ability to run marathons. It's mainly mental, and definitely something that shouldnt cost anything.

B. For some reason marathon runners don't get enough personal satisfaction by simply running down the street by themselves. There literally should be zero difference between running 26.2 miles on a trail with a couple of friends and running with a thousand other people who take "running" a little too seriously. Marathon runners need the sense of public pride that they achieved something. They need a medal, a pat on the back and a time sheet to see what percentile they finished in. Then they need to tell everyone on facebook how they did, when the majority of people could not care less.

C. Personal fitness is just that...personal. Marathons should only take place for cash prizes, and only people who are able to run them in qualifying time should be able to compete. Otherwise, why not take your timer and try to beat your average person goals on your own without trying to get attention for running...which again, is just moving your legs quickly. Marathon runners can't be proud of their fitness achievements without making them public. They need positive reinforcement for their ability to run a long way. Awesome.

D. Marathons block roads for people who actually have places to go. I didn't pay tax dollars to have nicely paved roads for your to run on. Go run on the sidewalk.

Elizabeth said...

I'm running my first marathon this weekend and this gave me a great laugh. Lol

Elizabeth said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Paul said...

I run marathons and I found this to be funny as hell because there is a lot of truth to the words.

Keep it coming!

Unknown said...

This post reminds me of how people stupid kids always bag on the smart kids at school. When you cant do something your natural response is to be jealous of people who can, so how about instead of hating on marathon runners you get your fatass off your chair and go get yourself in shape. Thats way instead of hating on people you'll be too busy getting pussy.

evanisgrate said...

I am exactly the douche described in this rant. I thought it was hilarious. Now I am off to facebook to post about my training runs. See ya!

Chris said...

If this is true then the people who compete in ironmans must be real pricks to have the audacity to do something that difficult.

Historywins804 said...

Poor Hater

Unknown said...

Poor Hater

tia said...

Proud Marathoner, LMAO! This is hilarious:) Headed out for a run!

tia said...

Proud marathoner, LMAO! This is hilarious:). Headed out for a r

OopsKusum said...

Holy crap! All this shit and watching middle aged boozos fighting over a hobby like kids over toys for the sake of knowing how do folks raise money for charity through marathons coz it's my first time? I am running the charity marathon for my office and the kids organizatiion we support next week. To hell with what you haters think or post, I am doing it so that those kids can go to school and afford two meals a day with that fund we raise.......and hell yes, I am WILLING to pay that $20 for them!

Pod said...

I have run 23 marathons. So, that's $80*23 = $1,840 in entry fees. 16 weeks of training at 500 miles per regimen, plus the race itself, which is 26-point-two, means
total miles = 526.2*23 = 12,102.6 miles run.

Now, this doesn't make me better than you, although it does make me in better shape than you.

just sayin

BaguaKicksAss said...

Damn, just cause you can't run 2 blocks doesn't mean you have to write a blog dissing those who can ;). Too much time in front of the computer can lead to various health complications due to lack of exercise, cardio, fresh air and the like. I recommend taking up an active hobby before it's too late. Running perhaps?

Natalie Ramos said...

Oh God, You Sure Are Ignorant. I Myself Run Marathons and You Know Why? Because They're FUN! and It's A Great Experience. I Don't Give A Flying Fuck If You Think I Suck Because I Personally Think That You're Just Saying This Because You Can't Even Run A Marathon. Instead Of Writing Stupid Things Online, How About You Go Do Something Productive With Your Life. I Know You're "Just Saying" But It Sounds More To Me Like You're HATING. I'm 15 Years Old And I've Ran Two Marathons So Far , I'm Going For My Third :). You're Probably Like In Your Mid 20's Or Something And You Haven't Even Ran Shit. Soo Enough Of This, I Just Think You Need To Shut Up And Try Running A Marathon Your Self. Oh And FYI They Also Have Marathons For People With Special Needs So There's No Need To Rub Anything In Their Face And As For The Marathons for Cancer, People Do It Because They Want Too. I Mean Think About It, Who's Going To Waist There Time Doing It Just For The Fuck Of It? No One, and I'm Saying This Because Of Experience, I Did The Revlon Cancer walk And I Did It Because I Wanted Too And Yes I Donated Money And Let ME Tell You That It Felt Great. Also My Teacher Once Told Me " Let people Talk, They're just jealous cause they can't Run a marathon. Have Pride Because That's One Thing That No One Can't Take Away From You" .

bujo11 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
bujo11 said...

The person who wrote this blog is indeed a hater! I guess we all can't be apart of the 1-2% of Americans who complete marathons but there is no need to hate. Geez!

MasterOfInertia said...

Marathons will make you a goddamn sexual tyrannosaurus, just like me!

MasterOfInertia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Dave said...

You know, back when my life was miserable I used to think like this. Somehow it kinda makes you feel "smart" and "witty" and to an extent, it's actually true.
Being a runner now, I can now tell for sure this moron hasn't done shit in his life worth being proud of. It's been one hell of a tough journey but looking bad i can't help it but to feel sorry for this kind of douchebags, who can hate on something as cool as running to feel good bout themselves. Way to go "smartass"!!

Stella Johnson said...

I think runners pay to participate in events for two reasons:

1) They want to mix their interests with some social interaction. The atmosphere is a lot of fun. Not all marathons are huge, big city jungles; many are smaller and more tight-knit.

I suppose this would be like someone who enjoys listening to music. Sometimes it is fun to go to mix parties and listen to music together while interacting.

2) You can say you go trail running by yourself as much as you want. But you do not push and measure your limits unless you are under the kind of adrenal-rushing pressure that a "race" can provide.

Source: I am a runner! and enjoyed reading this post, mostly to laugh at :)

Andy Vanhoe said...

I cant wait to put the 13.1 sticker on my F150 and possibly a tattoo so everyone can see it! Great article!!

Potato Venture said...

Why pay to go to concerts when you can just you tube? Concerts, rallies, political events take up the roads/ect., but one thing they all usually do is raise money for the city.

I like running in races because it is an awesome experience to be a part of. Not for some egotistical agenda.

Obviously marathon runners need to train hard before even attempting an event...so I promise you there are plenty of miles being logged when nobody is looking or cares.

Art Fundamentals said...

First off...this...

http://www.marathons2013.com/marathons-in-nicaragua-2013/nicaragua#list


Second...

http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/sports/maickel-melamed-chicago-marathon-227642901.html

Third...

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=douche

Do the math.

Jonathan Kurtz said...

This shit is pretty funny. Midget part was cracking me up.

That said, I race a lot, including the occasional marathon. There's a difference in a race than there is running by yourself. For me and other competitive runners, I can always push the pace faster. So the reason I pay for this shit, is so that I can run qualifying times for other marathons, e.g. Boston.

Plus since I can't strap on football pads and get a pick up game with a bunch of 30 year olds regularly, so it's nice to have something to be competitive at again.

But for sure those bumper stickers are ridiculous. I always judge finishers of half and full marathons by the amount of time they wear there "participation medal".

Shit most runners are douche bags. I'm a douche bag. I would punch me in the face if I was someone else.

.

Noonan said...

LOVE this!! Yesterday I saw the very best of marathon running behavior. A woman decked out in her "look at me" running garb on a public track at a public school park... yelled at the top of her (I'm sure exceedinly healthy) lungs for people to get out of her way because "I'm training here!!!!" Yeah, bitch, we see you. We saw the stupid stickers all over your car in the parking lot. It is a HOBBY. Get the eff over yourselves. You do not own the road, world, or whatever. (just to save some of you from cutting into your precious hobby time, I have run a marathon myself, am not a lard ass couch potato, and would be happy to give any of you a kidney function test after your run to see what awesome heath you are in.) Take your everybody gets a medal and stickers home to your treadmill if you have to be such a major bitch to other people. We know it is all for you and your stress level or to get away from your children or whatever. Just don't put that self righteous crap all over other people because you think you are better than them.