A letter to our beloved readers,
As professors of hate, we are always very cautious to never hate. We know how hateful hate can be, so we stay away from it and encourage others to do the same. Unfortunately, the great majority of people can't recognize hate when they see it. This is why we have developed a glossary of hate terms. Basically, these are "hate identifiers" that can assist you in calling out haters. This is a running list and will be updated frequently (let's be honest - hate is a fluid, ever-changing art form. Really, no two hates are the same. This is known as the Snowfhate Theory, but we won't go into that here). From now on, we'll link any new Hate Identifiers within a post to our Hate Glossary, to make it easier for you to understand what all those haters (not us) all around you are doing.
For real though, if you don't want to learn these hate terms, then you are part of the problem. So learn them! If you don't, we hope you get attacked and mauled by thousands of rats, and then the rats go bowling and use your eyes as the ball and they pick ten of themselves at random to act as the pins, but they change the rules so that the pins are allowed to eat the ball, but then you suck so bad at bowling - you're like, Obama bad - that no matter what they do, your sucky eye just rolls into the gutter every time. By the way, the gutter is filled with naked pictures of Bea Arthur, and they're from now, not back when she was hot and on Golden Girls. Not hating, just saying.
See? If we were haters, then that would have been a Hyperbolic Hate, and depending on how you feel about it, you may think that we just hit a Hate Home Run. Now, of course, we're not. But...y'know...if we were, that would have been hating.
Let's just get to the damn list.
Airball Hate (n. or v.): When someone attempts to hate, but so completely misses the point of what they were trying to hate on, that they completely embarrass themselves as opposed to shaming the attempted hatee. Often occurs when someone takes a tongue-in-cheek hate way too seriously, and tries to offer up a valid argument against said hate.
(Closely related to: Swing and Miss Hate)
Anal Hate (n. or v.): Any hate that occurs that is simply done because the person doing the hating is lame and can't take a joke, or is bothered by a technicality that makes the hate inaccurate in some inconsequential way.
Apple Pie Hate (n. or v.): A hate that America does either to the rest of the world - or possibly to itself, or a suppressed group of any kind - that makes us proud and yet would embarrass every other type of person from every other country in the world if it even occurred to them to do it.
Backhanded Hate (n. or v.): See Trojan Hate.
Biblical Hate (n. or v.): A hate so vicious that it - or a closely analogous situation - was prophesized in the Bible.
"I can't believe those guys threatened your friend, and you denied that you even knew him! And not once, but three times? Man...that's some Biblical Hate.
Blank-Check Hate: (n. or v.): On rare occasions, a hater is able to create a situation where, for whatever reason, no matter how much they hate, it will never seem like they are hating too much. This most often occurs as part of a reverse-hate, but can in fact be achieved in a number of ways.
"Every time Andy Pettite talks about Roger Clemens, it just reminds me of how much of a lying douche Clemens is. Whenever Pettite hates, all I can think about is how much Clemens deserves to be hated - it's a blank-check hate."
Blame it on the Butler Hate (aka Blame it on the Dog Hate) (n. or v.): When the hater blames their hate on a subservient party who cannot hate back. Originated in the Victorian Era and perfected by people who cheat at the board game Clue.
Me – "Did you just fart? That smells terrible."
You- "It wasn't me, it was the dog."
Me – "Don't try that Blame it on the Butler Hate with me!"
Boomerang Hate (n. or v.): A hate that takes the reason that someone is hating on you, and then turns the fact that they used that rationale to hate on you into a hate on themselves, thus sending their original hate right back in their face, as if a boomerang. This is a wonderful display of the "not hating just saying" mantra, when done right.
Complementary Hate (n. or v.): A hate that occurs after an original hate has already been presented, and merely affirms the previous hate. Closely related to the "Corollary Hate."
Also known as: Piggy-Back Hate.
Eisenhower Hate (n. or v.): Any hate that is used by a politician to discredit a fellow politician. Note: There are countless subdivisions of Eisenhower Hates, but they all fall underneath this Hate Umbrella.
Evil Genius Hate (n. or v.): A hate where someone thinks of a plan that is incredibly and unnecessarily complicated in order to hate on someone on a worldwide stage.
Fact-Checker Hate (n. or v.): This is a hate that is directed at a miniscule, often meaningless mistake that only could have been pointed out if the Hater did a particularly pathetic amount of research to verify that the original statement was in fact technically wrong.
Friendly-Fire Hate (n. or v.): This occurs when someone is trying to say something nice to someone - usually to make up for someone else's previous hate - but they end up hating even more on the victim, despite trying to cheer them up.
Note: These can be just ridiculously hilarious sometimes. The sadder the hatee, the more the accidental hater is trying to cheer them up, and the more hilarious the unintended hate becomes.
Example: Boyfriend - "Sorry, I wasn't really that great in bed tonight."
Girlfriend - "Aww, don't worry, honey - I never expect much from you anyway."
Halfway Hater (n. or v.): Someone who wants to hate on someone or something, but is for some reason conflicted, and therefore does a less-than-stellar job of hating. Often occurs in the context of politics or romantic relationships.
"Look, he didn't 'mislead' - he lied. Don't be a Halfway Hater on this."
Hate Delay (n.): A scientific term denoting when a hate takes place, but the person being hated doesn't even realize they're being hated until well after they're able to respond to the hate.
"I would have punched him in the face if I'd realized what he was saying, but there was a two-hour hate-delay."
Hate Home Run (n.): A spectacular hate that absolutely maximizes the potential for hating in a given situation. This can only be topped by the incredibly rare "Hate Grand Slam."
"I think it's fair to say that Gawker stepped up to the plate and hit a Hate Home Run."
(origin: Katya, 'People That Think We are White')
Hate Paranoia (n.): When someone becomes so consumed with the fear of being hated on that they actually alter their actions in order to try to avoid that fate.
"I've been studying tap for about seven years now, and I really wanted to perform in the school talent show - I even had a specially-made leotard made for my outrageously jelly-like body - but I had to cancel last minute because of Hate Paranoia."
Hate Validation (n.): This occurs when a statement is originally interpreted as hating, but the reaction to said hate in some way validates the legitimacy of the statement, therefore proving that it was in fact not hating, but just saying.
Me: "I bet you cry like a little girl when someone makes fun of you."
You: (bursting into hysterical crying fit) "You take that back! Why?! Oh God, Why?!? Why are you hating like that!?"
Me: "That's not hating, son. Not after that Hate Validation."
Hater Power Move (n.): An action - taken by a Hater - that asserts his hating dominance, even amongst other lesser haters. These are often closely related to McCarthy Hates or can lead to the acquisition of Master Hater Territory.
Hate-Stacking (v.): To combine the use of multiple forms of hate in order to intensify a particular hate.
"Damn, she hit you with the Trojan Hate AND her girl came in for the Monkey in the Middle Hate?! That's some serious Hate-Stacking!"
Hate-storian (n.): A person with expertise in the field of Hating. This includes, but is not limited to: an ability to respect quality hates, an intimate knowledge of the history of hating, an appreciation for both the healing and destructive power of hating, and - in extreme circumstances, and only when merited - an ability to hate with extreme ferocity in order to restore what is just and good in this world.
See also: Us.
Hating Props (n.): The credit that is given to someone after a hate is dropped. Can be given after any hate, though is usually reserved for particularly vicious and/or effective hates. Also can be given for a career body of work, i.e. "I hate Pat Robertson, but the man does deserve some Hating Props."
Hyperbolic Hate (n. or v.): A hate that is, in some way, absolutely extreme and ridiculous. Often times blames all of the world's problems on a small and pretty much irrrelevant aspect of society. Really any hate that is blown out of proportion.
"I'm serious, man - the world is coming to an end soon because of global warming, and global warming can be blamed on industrialization, and what really put industrialization on the map was the cotton gin. Eli Whitney pretty much ended the world."
Note: Example was intentionally written with extreme levels of ignorance.
Imperialist Hate (n. or v.): This occurs when you undercut the market and expand across Earth without even the slightest concern for how this may ruin the world economy. Often involves selling a very shitty product at a deceptively cheap price in order to make old people bitter and sad.
Insecure Male Hate (n.): A hate where a man will hate on a woman - or women - due to her being much more successful and respected than he is, or his general fear of being emasculated.
Also known as: Porsche Hate.
King Solomon Hate (n. or v.): A hate in which the hater makes the two haters he is hating on look bad for hating on each other, as he himself hates on both of them equally.
Marty McFly Hate (n. or v.): A different type of Delayed Hate, in which the Hate Delay is 100 hundred years or more. Hate is characterized by the fact that by the time the hate is fully realized, the world is an entirely different place than when the hate first occurred.
"I can't believe the Bourgeoisie tricked the Proletariats into working for hundreds of years without giving them a real chance to move up in the social hierarchy of medieval times! That is some serious Marty McFly hate!"
Masterhate (v.): the act of dropping a hate that no one enjoys except the person who said it; usually occurs late at night in front of a computer screen and involves copious amounts of lotion and tears.
"I hope you enjoyed that masterhation session, because no one else did."
Click here for perfect example.
(origin: jackson, 'A Glossary of Hate')
Master Hater Territory (n.): The area within which a particularly vicious hater subsides, or claims ownership of. Often - though not exclusively - this land has been acquired through an act that involves some form of hating.
McCarthy Hate (n. or v.): A hate so irrational and unfounded that it becomes a historical event.
Meta-Humor Hate (n. or v.): See also: this entire site.
(origin: this douchebag named Charlie, 'Guest Sayer (Hater) Charlie Willson')
Mine Field Hate: A self hate that is done completely by accident
Minutia-Hate (n. or v.): A hate on something that is so immaterial, it's hard to even make a case that the hate wasn't a complete waste of time. An evolutionary ancestor to the yet-to-have-its-existence-proven "Single Cell Hate."
(origin: Chris, 'H.o.W. Ronald Susilo')
Monkey in the Middle Hate (n. or v.): A hate where two haters collaborhate to hate on one party, thus ruining any chance of the hatee being able to pull off a Reverse Hate.
Murphy's Hate (n.): Occurs when someone or something is nearly perfect in every way, but there is one tiny thing wrong with it, and that lone flaw is exposed and focused on by the Hater.
Necessi-Hate (n. or v.): A hate reaction that occurs when faced with a hate that is so unfounded and ridiculous that a hate on the original hater becomes not only deserved, but downright required.
"At first I was trying to stay cool, but a hate that ignorant necessihated a Reverse Hate."
(origin: Shinyfluff, 'A Glossary of Hate')
Nike Hating (n.): Paying people from a third-world country an embarrassingly small amount in order to make your products available for a very affordable price, but then pricing your products as if every single worker in aforementioned countries is given a 401 k.
Outsource Hate (n. or v.): A form of hate where the person who wants to hate employs another person to hate for them. Positives include being able to avoid Reverse Hates. Negatives include the lack of credit received for a great hate.
Patriot Act Hate (n.): A hate all over your privacy. See also, every major decision made by the Bush Presidency in the supposed interest of national security.
Piggy-Back Hate (n. or v.): See Complementary Hate.
Porsche Hate (n. or v.): See Insecure-Male Hate.
Reverse Hate (n. or v.): Occurs when someone is able to hate on the hate of someone else, therefore negating the effectiveness of the original hate. Doubly effective if the hate of the hate is even harsher than the original hate, meaning that every time someone thinks of the original hate, they are reminded of the superior reverse hate, therefore losing respect for the original hater. (for closely related term, see also: Boomerang Hate)
You - "Your blog sucks"
Me - "Yea, well that hate sucked. In fact, if that hate sucked any harder it would suck almost as much as you...which is about 18 dicks at a time."
You - "Damn, why you got to Reverse Hate like that?!"
Rip Van Winkle Hate (n. or v.): A form of Hate Delay, but the hate lays dormant and goes unnoticed for 20 years or more.
Single Cell Hate (n.): A hate so unmerited, and directed at something so ineffectual, that it actually alters the course of humanity as we know it.
Important Note: Existence not yet proven.
Sling-Shot Hate (n.): A timely hate when you have some hate to drop on someone, but rather than hate on them then and there, you instead save it up until right when it will do the most damage.
"I can't believe they brought that shit up two days before the election! Damn...that was one hell of a Sling-Shot Hate."
Snitching (v.): Hating by calling someone out on a hate that they did on someone else in order to inflict hate upon the original hater. i.e. referees, umpires, corporate whistle-blowers. Often immediately preceded by the word "stop" when used by rappers.
Supreme Hateration (n.): An especially harsh example of hating. Often times - though not always - so harsh that it's not actually funny. Often accentuated by italicizing the word 'supreme.'
"Did you see what Lorena Bobbitt did to her husband? Damn...that was some supreme hateration.
Teach For America Hate (n.): A hate on grammar that is so bad that it insults teachers everywhere.
Trojan Hate (n. or v.): A hate in which the hater appears to be complimenting someone but is in fact hating on them. Also known as a "backhanded hate".
"Wow, you're a really great actor. You should get your own sitcom on Fox, just like Michael Rappaport."
Van Gogh Hate (n. or v.) – A hate that is so genius that it isn’t understood or appreciated until long after the original hater is dead. This hate is often confused with hates that suck.
“Don’t be so quick to Reverse Hate on me, son. This could very well be a Van Gogh Hate.”
White Hate (n. or v.) - The worst type of hate that we've found in our time studying hating. This is pretty much any natural thought that a white person has on a daily basis without even thinking about it.
Wow Hate (n. or v.) - This is a hate that is so harsh and so borderline-offensive that it's barely even enjoyable to hear. It usually will present an offensive topic or image so that the third party involved is pretty much dared to hate the sayer more than the hater because of such a flippant reference to said offensive topic. It's a gutsy move, but when it works, it is a viciously powerful hate. Often elicits nothing but the word "Wow."
Hater: "Yo, son. Your life is so sad it makes the holocaust look like an episode of Teletubbies."
(Hatee begins silently crying; no one says a word for several minutes)
Witness to Hate: "Wow."
Note: This hate is not to be confused with a WoW Hate, which is when a nerd hates on a fellow nerd, but ends up hating on both of them, because they both understand the nerdy, massive-multiplayer-online references found within the hate.
This is, quite honestly, just the tip of the ol' iceberg when it comes to the Dictionary of Hate. We'll continue adding to this as we see fit. In the meantime, hopefully these definitions help you to recognize the specific types of haters out there, along with their individual tendencies and preferences. Also hopefully - hopefully! - it makes you realize why we are so against any form of hating here at NotHatingJustSaying. The stakes are too high, hating is too evil, and frankly, the fate of the world hangs...whoops. We almost dropped a Hyperbolic Hate on you there for a second.
NOTE: This will now be a part of our Hating By-Laws, in case you ever need to reference it in the future.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
A letter to our beloved readers,