I'm not hating, but Diet Dr. Pepper is the worst drink on the planet. And that includes those places in 3rd-world countries where the little kids of a village all bathe in the same pond that they then drink out of.
Oh, come on, it's not that bad, right? Wrong. Because while other drinks may taste terrible, at least they don't hate. The viciousness with which Diet Dr. Pepper hates on regular Dr. Pepper leaves a worse taste in my mouth than any cheap, bitter, college-party beer could ever hope to achieve.
On its website, Diet Dr. Pepper claims that it "offers the same bold taste of regular Dr. Pepper minus the calories." Really? Then why the FUCK would anyone ever buy regular Dr. Pepper? Can you believe that hate? And these guys are brothers of the soda industry! Diet Dr. Pepper is completely selling out its older, more-deserving brother in order to trick people into buying it instead of regular Dr. Pepper. I'm telling you, this is a downright Biblical Hate - when a hate is so vicious that it was prophesized in the Bible. They might as well put fur on the outside of the bottles of Diet Dr. Pepper and claim that it's the firstborn to their blind father. Am I right? Right guys??
Really? Not a lot of Jacob and Esau historians read this blog? Damn it.
Look, Diet Dr. Pepper. You can't go around just claiming that you're something you're not. "Because with Diet Dr. Pepper, there's nothing 'diet' about it." Yeah, except the giant fucking DIET on your label. Stop it, DDP. You're in denial. And you're tearing the family apart with your lies.
Coke, Pepsi, and Root Beer need to have an intervention. Because this isn't just hurting Diet Dr. Pepper's reputation. It's killing Dr. Pepper's self-esteem. Dr. Pepper's been around since 1885, when they started bottling it in Bumfuck, Texas, or wherever it first came from. 125 years, son! And for the first 120, it was happy just being itself. But now, all of a sudden, Dr. Pepper is doing anything it can to be liked again. It came out with a Berries n' Cream Dr. Pepper, then a Cherry Vanilla Dr. Pepper. It's not even enough to be its own flavor anymore. It's new claim is that it's "made with an authentic blend of 23 flavors." Umm....do you mean ingredients? What does that even mean, Dr. Pepper? I'm pretty sure every product is a combination of the "flavors" of all its ingredients. Listen, I'm pretty sure you're one flavor - Dr. Pepper flavored. Dr. Pepper, I like your flavor! I know this is turning into a middle-school PSA, but don't be afraid to be yourself! I'm just worried that next month I'm gonna see a 6-pack of Dr. P. that says "New Dr. Pepper - now it smokes!" Dr. Pepper, I like you just the way you are. You're special to me.
Oh, and Diet Dr. Pepper? Yeah, it still tastes like shit. Dr. Pepper? Delicious. Diet Dr. Pepper? The single worst beverage - and maybe the biggest hater - in beverage history. I hope you get in a horrific car accident with Moxie and Tab, and none of you are ever seen again. I'm not hating, I'm just saying.
Posts
11 comments:
why is "bumfuck" a tag on all of your blogs!!!
don't think someone wouldn't notice, bryson of sam's club.
also, when did you switch to brand names?! last i checked, you were drinking bubble gum flavored Food Lion soda.
yeah son, i just referenced a midwest chain!
hell nawparna
seriously, Moxie fucking sucks. i thought I was the only person that had a crazy grandma that only served meals with the option of drinking Moxie or nothing. good hate on that.
Yeah, I wanted to slip in a hate on that, even though I was afraid it was something that somehow only my family knew existed.
And nice Anecdotal Hate. Seriously, that stuff is just incredibly nasty. My grandma gets it for my dad every time we visit. I used to get hopeful, because the orange can is so promising...but it's just terrible. I'm not hating, I'm just saying.
Anyway, thanks for commenting! I'm so glad we could CorroborHate!
Bullshit! DDP is the best.
Are you a fly, Jamie? Because I read once that flies actually eat poop. Like, they really, honestly enjoy the stuff. Actually, I think I just deducted that based on a joke on a birthday card I got once, but whatever, I'm sure it's true.
So I guess if you're a fly, then your post makes sense. But how can a fly post on a blog? There's a disconnect in my logic that I simply am not able to remedy. You are clearly a fly, because you enjoy the taste of straight shit. And yet you are clearly not, because flies are not able to post comments on blogs. Do you have a spider that posts comments for you, ala a 21st century version of Charlotte's Web? And if so, is it called "Charlotte's Web-site"?
NICE.
But seriously, DDP is the best? Were you a judge in a "What is the best at having the same taste as an old man's ass cheeks" contest? Because in that case, I see what you're saying. It wins the blue ribbon, no doubt.
Seriously, I want to know. Does such a contest exist? I'm curious. Please explain. Either that, or you needed some extra money in college and decided to sign a waiver so that some science grad students could do whatever they wanted to you, and they removed your taste buds and replaced them with a new experimental strand of DNA called the "toilet gene", which actually enjoys things that taste like dung being on or near it.
I'm not hating, I'm just saying. And I'm saying it an incredibly verbose way.
I'm not hating, just saying, but Dr Pepper and Diet Dr Pepper don't have a period in their names. You should get your hate right before bringing your wildly mis-informed self on the internet like that. However, I respect your Biblical reference; that is some serious hate that looked to never be duplicated. Of course, Diet Dr Pepper went there. Oh yeah, it went there hard.
"They might as well put fur on the outside of the bottles of Diet Dr. Pepper and claim that it's the firstborn to their blind father. Am I right? Right guys??"
Amen brother, amen.
The funny thing? I am actually drinking a diet doctor pepper while reading this post!
I felt a bit offended.
*sniff sniff*
Dear Bryson,
This was pretty funny, but I don't think anything in the actual blog post was funnier than the rip you just made on Ms. Jamie here. I salute you for your beautiful execution of verbose non-hating.
Sincerely,
Your mystery friend
Jacob didn't hate Esau... he just wanted his birthright. Esau didn't want it... he sold it for food. Maybe it could be Cain and Abel hate. Maybe. But you're right DDP sucks.
Matt: I'm not hating, but that's one of the biggest Boomerang Hates I've ever seen - that's when somebody tries to hate, but their attempt to hate on someone else actually backfires and their own hate completely hates on themselves.
You see, you wrote a post critiquing my grammar - or rather, that I was unwilling to accept Dr. Pepper's shitty lack of grammar - and hating on my ability to use the English language properly. However, the height of your hate was accusing me of being wildly "mis-informed". But "mis-informed" isn't a word. I think you meant "misinformed", which is, in fact, an actual word.
Do you understand what you did, Matt? You actually hated on me for adding unnecessary elements to words, and within the very word you used to describe what that made me, you actually did the exact same thing yourself! You just set the record for the most Ironic Hate of all-time!! Congratulations!!!
Wait a second. There's no way a hate so ironic can be achieved without the help of science - it's just not natural.
This isn't fair! I've worked hard my whole life to hate ironically, and I've never come close to something like that. Has BALCO come out with some new HGH - Hate Growth Hormone? Do they have the Ironic Cream? Or maybe they came out with "Ironic Clear", which is actually a completely opaque substance that allows you to recover faster from previous ironic hates?
Please! Tell me, Matt! How did you possibly hate so ironically!? Oh well...I guess I don't know since I'm so mis-informed.
I'm not ha-ting, I'm just say-ing.
Post a Comment