"Celebrities" on Reality Shows

I'm not hating on "Celebrities" on reality shows, but they are the saddest examples of humans on earth. In a way, just by making us feel bad for you, you're hating on all of us. Your Pity Hate is not appreciated. Your existence is solely to entertain us with how sorry your life is compared to ours - know your role.

Do you know what Vanilla Ice's real name is? Robert Matthew Van Winkle. Van Winkle, son. Van Winkle!! Really, dude? Did you honestly expect to have that good a life with a last name like "Van Winkle?"

(Important Note: This blog takes no prisoners. You will not find many people who have the balls to go after people like Vanilla Ice and MC Hammer. But we are intimidated by no one. If we lose those contacts, so be it.)

Honestly, why do we care about what any of you are up to twenty years after we barely gave a shit about you in the first place? Oh, you're fat now? Can we watch you not lose weight and struggle with addiction that was brought on by your lack of success since you had a bit role on 'Family Matters'? We would all love that.

The only thing worse than having washed up celebrities compete in reality shows is having them judge them. Since when is David Hasselhoff an expert on talent? Did you really learn that much from studying Yasmine Bleeth? Honestly, David, I know that album you dropped in the early 90's was a huge hit in Germany (not a joke), but I don't know if that makes you an industry "expert." Your song making it to number 1 on the German charts (again, not a joke) is the single worst collective decision that Germans have made in the past hundred...well, let's just say sixty-three years.

Seriously, Hasselhoff, you're on a show called "America's Got Talent!" right now. That's like Helen Keller judging on a show called "America's Got Senses!" Why the fuck are you involved with that show? The only reality show you should be involved with is one in which they do a study to find out how someone can have such disgusting chest hair. Your chest hair is actually outgoing. No, I mean literally. It has its own personality traits, and it's an extrovert. It likes meeting people.


I'm actually pretty sure that 75% of all food that's been sent back at restaurants since 1978, Hasslhoff's chest hair has had something to do with it. In fact, I have the stats to back it up.

Despite all that, now somehow you're a judge on some show about American talent? Unless shaking someone's hand with your chest hair is a talent, I'm pretty you have none. How can the talentless judge the talentless? Calling the kettle talentless, aren't we?

We should have a new reality show where we see which former pseudo-celebrity that has appeared on a reality show can die first. I might actually tune in to that one, because I'd love to see them all die slow - no wait, quick - painful deaths. I'm not hating, I'm just saying.