People that win the lottery

I’m not hating, but people that win the lottery are complete idiots. Before you get all mad and say “Hey I play the lottery!” I’m not talking about you, asshole. Are you reading this right now? If you are, then that would lead me to believe that you have not won the lottery, because if you had won the lottery you probably would have trouble reading in the first place.

People who play the lottery are not dumb, but the people who win them are incredibly stupid. They all get on the news when they win a big pot of money, and are asked; “So what are you going to do with all of your money?” Your answer = most ignorant thing that your dumb ass can think of. “Oh I don’t know, I’ll probably use this money to build a house. And when I say use this money to build a house, I mean I will literally build a house that is made of 10 dollar bills. It will be a money house.” Actually, I’m giving you too much credit - I said you would use the word “literally,” and upon further review it is clear that you literally don’t know what the word “literally” means. Also, I just realized that building a house out of money that you won in the lottery is too ironic for you to even conceptualize so what you would probably say to answer that question is “Nothing, I’m just going to keep working at the power plant. I know Betsy(either the family dog or his wife…it’s a tough call) wants a new house, I might get that, but nothing fancy.” Yea right asshole. Seriously, someone as dumb as you with millions of dollars!?

You probably will start off your spending spree by upgrading your truck. I’m not saying you would buy a new truck but you would spend money to find a way for it to have more torque and hauling power. You are going to need that extra power to lug home the 8,000 cartons of cigarettes and the 40 cases of beer you just bought. Then I bet you buy you a fancy camera and computer so you could film “The Life of a Lotto Millionaire” and post the videos on youtube for everyone to see what an idiot you are. The whole show will consist of you yelling out “I love the Lotto!” while you are doing some of the dumbest shit imaginable with your money. Look, we know you love the Lotto…ha yea a Lott-o balls in your mouth! Damn! I got you! And yea I know that was stupid and ignorant, but not as stupid and ignorant as you. I could set you up for that joke a thousand times and you would fall for it, over and over.

I wish I could meet you idiots, so I could try to sell you shit. I would try to sell you anything and I know your dumb ass would buy it. I would just have to speak your language, “You see this thing right here? It’s called a morphing machine. What you do is walk inside of it and just think of what you would like to morph into and presto you morph into it. It’s only 3 million dollars!” Now after taking 45 minutes to explain to you what the word “morph” means, you would definitely buy it because you are an idiot. In fact you are so stupid that you didn’t realize that what I just sold you was a cardboard box full of dry ice. I actually wish I could make a real morphing machine and give it to you. Because I know you would use it to change into something dumber than you actually are, which doesn’t even seem possible, but if we are going to pretend there is actually a morphing machine, then maybe it is.

So you like the lotto huh? You do?…Yea a Lott-o balls in your mouth! See I got you again, you idiot. But I digress, one last side note about people who win the lottery; everything I just wrote above is true. The only way it wouldn’t be true is if you asked that you get your lottery winnings paid out to you in millions of new lottery tickets, which is entirely possible. I’m not hating people who win the lottery…I’m just saying.


JM