2009

I'm not hating on 2009, but it hasn't been the most productive year for us. Not hating, just saying.

Trailers

I'm not hating on trailers but...


Annoy Charlie Smith Inc- Trailer from Seaton Smith on Vimeo.

...not hating just saying.

NASA

I'm not hating on NASA, I'm just saying they chose an odd way of fighting global warming. You see, they've been spending nine years developing a satellite designed to measure carbon dioxide emissions in our atmosphere, which would supposedly help us prevent global warming from getting any worse. Tragically, however, the satellite malfunctioned a few minutes after launch and the debris landed in the ocean near Antarctica.

The good news is, NASA, that our economy is doing great right now. So there's really nothing better that we could have spent with the more than a quarter-billion dollars it took to build your little shat-ellite. Certainly not on further developing the electric car, or alternative energies, or anything like that.

But even if your intentions are noble, NASA, let's check the results: Apparently, your best idea to fight global warming is to send a half-billion-dollar, half-ton ball of flaming metal and fuel to Antarctica and have it explode and burn up on contact. Really, NASA? Really? The only way you could have fucked that up more is if you insulated the satellite with 100-dollar bills and bottles of Axe Body Spray (because I'm pretty sure that stuff is way more toxic than hairspray, which would have been the easier reference).

But this isn't a time to hate on Axe Body Spray and all of its snake-related, lack-of-masculinity-compensating products (though I'm sure its day is coming soon here at NHJS). No, today is your day to shine, NASA. Fighting global warming by literally warming the globe with your satellites? Nice work. If irony could combat global warming, you would have just saved the world. But it doesn't, and you didn't. Not hating, just saying.

Will.I.AM is famous?

I’m not hating on Will.i.am, but I’m sick of people saying there is no logical reason why he is famous. Are you people crazy? LOOK at the RESUME'. I can’t think of many words to describe it. Stellar is one. Magical is another. Funky Funky Fresh are three more.

He was in one of the most influential groups of the last 25 years of music, the Black Eyed Peas! Yeah that’s right. There’s a list. There was Sinatra, then Elvis, then the Beatles, Michael Jackson, and then, Black Eyed Peas. It feels right.

Do you know that feeling you have in your chest when the sun rises over the morning to start a new day, and for one moment in your sad life, you think that your past is erased and you’re free to conquer the world? There’s a word in a dictionary for that: it’s WILL.I.AM.

Bless him. His talent cannot be measured. And why try? This is Will fucking I fucking AM. Why would I waste my time trying to name a “song” he’s made? Why would I disrespect his image by trying to associate a “hit” to his name?

Fuck that, let’s be like that Coke commercial and skip the middle man (songs) and compare him to Bob Dylan. He has to be the next Bob Dylan. What would we do if we didn’t have another Bob Dylan that we can manufacture for commercial purposes so easily? Why, the world would be lost!

There are haters. They say absurd things like, “You don’t really like the Black Eyed Peas, you just like Fergie! The Black Eyed Peas without Fergie is the Pips without Gladys Knight, it doesn’t make sense. Why would you want to see a Pip CNN?" My answer to you haters: I didn't see a PIP make a hologram appearance with Anderson Cooper! So there!

Did you hear Will.i.am’s Obama song? Genius, right? Genius in its simplicity, just take his speech and take an old used beat, then have a bunch of stars lip-synch the speech. It felt right. And that’s how you become a genius, you go with what feels right. You let other people do the bulk of the work and you come in at the end and put your little signature on it. Then you wear the fliest hat ever. Have you seen his hats? He must be a genius with that stingy brimmed fedora!

Guess what he went to school for!? Just guess! Fashion. It makes sense, the way he’s walked that runway into America’s heart! You look fierce, Will! You’re an animal!

His biggest achievement is that he was interviewed as a hologram on CNN. Yeah, that’s right. And now he is being compared to Bob Dylan? How did we make that leap? Do you really care? Really? Not me buddy!

Some haters - like Lavar Burton - would say he was doing Hologram shit for years on Star Trek and nobody is wondering about him. Nobody is asking Lavar Burton his perspective on America, and he was in ROOTS! My answer? Where is his stingy brimmed fedora? Best go shopping Geordi La Forge.

I’m not hating on Will.I.AM being famous, I’m just saying.

A NHJS News Brief: The Economies of Hate

The Economy you finally got me. I was fine, I didn’t care before. I was out of your hateful grasp. It didn’t really scare me that folks were losing their jobs left and right. Folks were getting laid off. I still didn’t think you hated me economy. I thought well, you would never do something to me like that, so we are cool right? But now I am a little freaked out. According to CNN the economy is even too shitty for illegal immigrants. SO THEY ARE GOING HOME! What?! You mean to tell me that the economy is so bad that people are going back to countries that were so shitty in the first place that they decided they would have a better life in America? Where they would have to enter illegally and take super low pay jobs to survive and be looked upon by the government of that country as criminals but it was still better then living in their home country. Even with putting up with all of that bullshit it has finally gotten bad enough in America where even Illegal Immigrants would be better off somewhere else, anywhere else.



George W. I think you are actually smarter then I gave you credit for. You crafty yet twisted son of a bitch(sorry Barb, not hating), when you were in office, you always told us you would be able to handle the Illegal Immigrant issue we had here but I didn’t know you were going to do it like that! You actually got illegal immigrants to voluntarily leave the country. Many folks would consider you are hero for that, I consider you to be an evil genie. I may have wished at some point, that there was a compromise where illegal immigrants who were working could obtain citzenship if they wanted and we can all be happy, you said "what if I told you immigrants would actually want to return home voluntarily," I was like "I guess so if you can make that happen," you said "ok cool", but then you just dropped a monumental Evil Genie Hate.



That’s when you grant someone a wish but their lives end up being shittier then it was before the wish was granted as a direct result of fufilling the initial wish. If I were to wish for a million dollars, you would probably have the cops beat the shit out of me and as I lay unconscious clinging to life, Al Sharpton would sue the city, and I would get a million bucks out of it. Yea, thanks a lot asshole, thanks for everything.

MySpace and their Pedophile friends

I’m not hating on MySpace for finally kicking off 90,000 registered sex offenders, but what the hell took you so long?

How many Chris Hanson episodes where MySpace was mentioned was it gonna take for you to realize you had a problem? How many shout-outs by perverts being struggled to the ground by the police was gonna give you a hint?

I mean true, MySpace is known for its off-the-record, interoffice slogan: “Pussy is like blackjack - 16 and under, hit it. 17 and over, don't bother.” But you had to know that people outside your inner circle weren’t gonna get the “joke.”

Come on Tom, is that really your picture, or is that a picture of your nephew? Or is that a picture of you 30 years ago, cause it’s getting to the point where I’m wondering if Tom likes his grass on the new growth side if you know what I mean. I’m not calling Tom a pedophile but…wait I think I am.

If I was just walking down the street and witnessed a murder and don’t report it, I can go to jail, right? Now what if I build a popular room and in this room everybody can talk to everybody and a few little girls get raped - let's say...90,000 of them - wouldn’t I be in jail too cause I built the room and didn’t stop convicted sex offenders in there? And then wouldn’t I look stupid if out of the blue I make a big to-do and say, “Hey sex offenders! You can’t hang out here anymore! All of you, out!!” Wouldn’t you think I like little girls too? That’s right. So Tom fucks little boys. It makes sense.

And who was this “hero” who finally brought it up in a board meeting? Who finally raised his hand and said, “I mean, I love underage girls whose parents are out of town and take inappropriate pictures of themselves as profile pictures as much as the next guy, but don’t you think we got to do something here?” Then I would have loved to see Tom’s face, fresh from his daydream of SEXXYGIRL69696969, whose profile he looks up from and says, “I don’t touch little boys. I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

The room is quiet for a moment before our Hero says, “Um, I didn’t say you were, sir.”

Then Tom quickly responds, “You think I like little boys? Well I’ll show you. We’re banning every sex offender on MySpace. Today.”

I’m not hating on MySpace, I’m just saying.

NHJS Special Report: Someone Farted on Mars!

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have just received word from NASA that they have found trace amounts of methane on Mars. DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?! Methane on Mars, yo. Someone farted on Mars. That means that there could be aliens and shit. Holy Shit. Alien life - well, like alien plant life. Or like an alien amoeba...or nothing.

So there is like water on Mars, right? Oh, you guys just found “Water-Ice” - which I am pretty sure is just ice. That’s cool, and small concentrations of salt? Oh okay, I didn’t know about the salt. So wait, what you are telling me is that there is possibly the lamest, most insignificant particle of life on Mars!? That lives off of Mars-flavored slushies and salt licks?...Or maybe there is just water-ice, salt, and farts, but no life on Mars? That’s a distinct possibility as well, correct?

Well NASA, that’s great. Hey, guess what I found? Now I know this sounds so crazy and I hope you are sitting down for this one, but…Someone’s mom found 2 unopened condoms that are 4 years old in her 16 year-old's nightstand. There is a possibility that he is having sex - the mother is pretty sure that he is. Even though her son is adolescently awkward as hell. There is no other evidence of actual intercourse taking place, given that her son hasn’t brought a girl to the house since his cousin visited 6 years ago. The trace amounts of Vaseline that she found leaves her convinced that he may have been using it as some sort of lubricant to assist in the act. There was also trace amounts of methane found in the room.

You see how I did that, NASA? NASA, please stop with your Mom Hate, where you hate by completely overreacting and jumping to conclusions about shit because you feel like you have to. Why don’t you get all crazy when something crazy actually happens? Like record an Alien farting on audio or something, and then come talk to me. Otherwise, just get out of my room!

Clearly, I'm Not Hating, Just Saying.